on aloneness

So I look back through previous posts and I see that each passing year, at some point, I write about aloneness.  In August 2011 I identified "aloneness" as my life theme.  I find this fascinating.  I sat down tonight thinking about writing a sorry-for-myself blurb about feeling so alone in the world.  I was planning to moan about the sense of family some people find in their life long friendship groups - and how alone in the world, how lacking in family, I often feel. 
Now that I see this pattern however, and as I reflect on my own self indulgent self pity, I realise that I need to start taking responsibility for the choices that I make which lead to feeling alone.  I crave closeness and yet I push it away at the same time.  I yearn for connectedness yet I find it hard to maintain consistently. 
I have the sense that as I grow older I become harder to engage with, more self contained... and it does concern me.  And as I make the life choices I am making - to work overseas, to be a single mum, to take on multiple interests and leave little physical space in my life for free socialising, to spread myself thinly amongst many connections rather than focusing on deepening a few... these choices are what leads me to the place I am in. 
I crave connectedness, but struggle to find people who are inspirational to connect with.  I crave social interaction, yet I fill my time with tasks and busy-ness.  I crave closeness yet I am surprised to admit that I am shy, and am often hobbled by my own social awkwardness and shyness. 
Is this my path?  Am I to wander alone, forming a few connections and leaving them behind?  Is my love of freedom and solitude winning out over my love of connection and closeness?  Is it possible to have both?  That is the question I would really like to answer...
I feel like I have spent my life searching for the place where I will feel at home and interconnected with those around me.  Sometimes I feel like I have found it, but so far that feeling has not lasted and eventually I end up feeling lost, like an alien, held at arms length from the rest of the world that is merrily toasting best friends and being brides maids for each other.
I make new connections easily, but I find it so hard to go past the immediate interaction to a deeper level of committed friendship.  I crave this - I want it - but I don't know how to do it.  I make mistakes and people get upset with me and it breaks my heart into smaller pieces each time. 
Perhaps one day I will wander into a corner of the world where people get me, where I am able to find the love I crave, where I feel at home and where I know that these are the people who will be there for me, and I will be there for them, no matter what.  Will I find this in familiar spaces or new horizons?  I don't know.  I will keep looking....