I love my daughter like an ache.... I love her in a way that almost hurts, that is almost painful. I watch her, see her move in the world, exploring new sensations, swimming in new knowledge... I watch her and she is at once more familiar than my own body - and at the same time totally strange, alien, unfathomable. I cannot wrap my mind around how her perfect imperfect little self came to be in the world. She looks at me with eyes that own me, consume me, rely on me... and I cannot understand how this miracle came to be. How is she my child? How did that perfect upturned nose come into existence? How was I a part of that? Most of the time I feel like she somehow came through me. I cannot imagine that I made something so exquisite myself - made of my cells, my blood, my wishing... Instead I feel that she entered this world through me, as though I am merely a grateful witness. I watch her jumping in muddy puddles - full of joy, full of the experience of life - and my heart is filled with inexplicable inexpressible joy. I need only look at her to smile and to ache a little inside. I feel like a school girl with a crush, I have a huge lifelong crush on this little person. I see her faults, I see her determination to be frustrating sometimes, her annoying streak of rebelliousness. I see her messy hair, curling every which way and a bit thin for true beauty. I see her little face - pretty not classically beautiful. And yet to me she is everything - and utterly adorable. I spend my days gazing at her like a fool - filling my eyes with her, needing to kiss her and cuddle her every second moment. I miss her when she is in the next room and I love to just be near her, lay by her while she sleeps, listen to her breathe, watch her play when she doesn't realise I am watching, see her interact with life in her own special and unique way. I see her grow and change - bittersweet because I have to let go of all the past wonders of her baby days at the same time as I am thrilled to see each new level of newness, each blossoming of her personality and mind, the birth of each new ability and understanding. I have never seen her as part of me - she is totally and completely her own person - but I feel whole when I am holding her. I feel honoured, privileged, in awe of her love for me. I have to pinch myself when I realise that I am the one she turns to when she is hurt, scared, happy, unsure... sometimes the honour feels so great it threatens to burst out of my chest in bubbles of pride. Its like a miracle gift that is a constant surprise - like winning the lottery at the point when all was lost - and each day, each moment, you have to touch the cheque again to be sure its real. Every night I go and stand by her bed while she sleeps and just breathe in the completely mind blowing reality of her existence. My heart feels too human to contain the wonder of it. Her little fingers, in mine, seem like a dream - like the yummiest gooiest chocolatey-est desert in the world - like a morsel of the best tasting treat ever melting into your taste buds.... and you are filled with the pleasure and the sense of wanting to savour every precious passing moment. I love her in a wordless, all consuming, every cell of my body kind of way. I know that for the rest of my existence, my world will orientate around her existence. I touch her nose, her little lips, stroke her hair or rub her back and feel those little fragile bones and the thin soft skin over them... and its like falling in love anew with each passing moment. So perfect, so fragile, so adorable.... I cannot believe that I am lucky enough to experience this gift. I would die for her, kill for her, lift a car for her... I would lay in the mud to make her happy, and give her my last piece of chocolate without hesitation. I cannot imagine how any moments could be happier than being with her, and I don't long her time away from her - I long for more time with her. I delay putting her to bed at night just so that I can spend more time just being quietly in her presence, talking, experiencing. Imperfectly perfect, utterly loveable, completely loved... my angel daughter. I would give her the world knowing that every moment gives me so much more in return. The words feel way too small but all I know, with all of me, is that I love her... beyond words.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
mother's love
I love my daughter like an ache.... I love her in a way that almost hurts, that is almost painful. I watch her, see her move in the world, exploring new sensations, swimming in new knowledge... I watch her and she is at once more familiar than my own body - and at the same time totally strange, alien, unfathomable. I cannot wrap my mind around how her perfect imperfect little self came to be in the world. She looks at me with eyes that own me, consume me, rely on me... and I cannot understand how this miracle came to be. How is she my child? How did that perfect upturned nose come into existence? How was I a part of that? Most of the time I feel like she somehow came through me. I cannot imagine that I made something so exquisite myself - made of my cells, my blood, my wishing... Instead I feel that she entered this world through me, as though I am merely a grateful witness. I watch her jumping in muddy puddles - full of joy, full of the experience of life - and my heart is filled with inexplicable inexpressible joy. I need only look at her to smile and to ache a little inside. I feel like a school girl with a crush, I have a huge lifelong crush on this little person. I see her faults, I see her determination to be frustrating sometimes, her annoying streak of rebelliousness. I see her messy hair, curling every which way and a bit thin for true beauty. I see her little face - pretty not classically beautiful. And yet to me she is everything - and utterly adorable. I spend my days gazing at her like a fool - filling my eyes with her, needing to kiss her and cuddle her every second moment. I miss her when she is in the next room and I love to just be near her, lay by her while she sleeps, listen to her breathe, watch her play when she doesn't realise I am watching, see her interact with life in her own special and unique way. I see her grow and change - bittersweet because I have to let go of all the past wonders of her baby days at the same time as I am thrilled to see each new level of newness, each blossoming of her personality and mind, the birth of each new ability and understanding. I have never seen her as part of me - she is totally and completely her own person - but I feel whole when I am holding her. I feel honoured, privileged, in awe of her love for me. I have to pinch myself when I realise that I am the one she turns to when she is hurt, scared, happy, unsure... sometimes the honour feels so great it threatens to burst out of my chest in bubbles of pride. Its like a miracle gift that is a constant surprise - like winning the lottery at the point when all was lost - and each day, each moment, you have to touch the cheque again to be sure its real. Every night I go and stand by her bed while she sleeps and just breathe in the completely mind blowing reality of her existence. My heart feels too human to contain the wonder of it. Her little fingers, in mine, seem like a dream - like the yummiest gooiest chocolatey-est desert in the world - like a morsel of the best tasting treat ever melting into your taste buds.... and you are filled with the pleasure and the sense of wanting to savour every precious passing moment. I love her in a wordless, all consuming, every cell of my body kind of way. I know that for the rest of my existence, my world will orientate around her existence. I touch her nose, her little lips, stroke her hair or rub her back and feel those little fragile bones and the thin soft skin over them... and its like falling in love anew with each passing moment. So perfect, so fragile, so adorable.... I cannot believe that I am lucky enough to experience this gift. I would die for her, kill for her, lift a car for her... I would lay in the mud to make her happy, and give her my last piece of chocolate without hesitation. I cannot imagine how any moments could be happier than being with her, and I don't long her time away from her - I long for more time with her. I delay putting her to bed at night just so that I can spend more time just being quietly in her presence, talking, experiencing. Imperfectly perfect, utterly loveable, completely loved... my angel daughter. I would give her the world knowing that every moment gives me so much more in return. The words feel way too small but all I know, with all of me, is that I love her... beyond words.
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