a weekend....

So I took the weekend off.  I am surprised at myself, and I am feeling rather guilty indeed.  But I took the whole weekend off.  I know, I know... it shouldn't be such a big deal, self care is important...yudda yudda... I know all of that.  But still, I am stunned that I did it.  I took the whole weekend off.  Even now - I sat down to do work, and I didn't.  What's in a weekend?  Well... I think its both a sign of my complete mental burn out, and a remedy.  I am not entirely sure if I am attempting to fix my broken brain by taking the weekend off...or if I am incapable of anything else because my brain is broken.
Once upon a time I thought I was pretty invincible.  I wanted to save the world...and I figured I had it in me if I could just find an opportunity to prove it.  I am was the girl who believed that.  I had always been pretty successful at the stuff I did, so I figured that would carry me through.  But I am learning that I have limits.  I am old and I am tired.  I have limits and I am no longer sure that I have it in my to save the world.  I think perhaps its time to throw in the towel.  I have another year here, and a very large mess to fix.  And when I am done, I think perhaps I am done.  Maybe then I can rest on my laurels and tell myself that I didn't save the world, but I did do good in a little part of it, and thats enough.  I don't want to work with gang raped infants in Liberia.  I don't want to work with women burning themselves in Afganistan.  I don't think I have it in me to do the things I am passionate about changing.  I wish I did...but I fear that I don't.  I don't have any clue what on earth I am going to do with the rest of my life... but I am starting to be pretty sure that I won't spend it saving the world.  I think its time for me.  I think its time for me to find a little piece of happiness and try and hold onto it.  I think its time to stop trying to look around the corner all the time...time to stop looking for the big thing that will make my life mean something.  I think its time to meditate more, to work on saving my inner world.  I think its time to accept that I am not the person that I thought I might be, I am not the one who saves the world.  I'm tired.  I'm old... and I want a home.  I want a love.  I want peace.  I want to find joy instead of struggling through each day.
So I took the weekend off.  And yes, I feel guilty.  No platitudes or rationalisations please - I am allowed to feel guilty about neglecting the work that was due and the part of myself that did want to do it.  I feel guilty because I am torn between two options, both of which I want - a productive work weekend and a weekend off.  Either choice would have left me regretting the other.    But I made a choice.  I drank cocktails and swam with my angel.  I read Sherlock Holmes instead of writing proposals.  I watched Weeds and Greys Anatomy instead of doing statistics.
I am burnt out... and I hope I find my energy and drive again tomorrow... but for now... I am going to bed to enjoy the last of my weekend off.