the search...

So I am tired... I'm tired because I don't sleep enough.  I say I don't sleep enough because I am busy working, but that's not the strictly truth.  I do work a lot at night, and I do often need to, to stay on top of the endless mountain of work (or at least on the mountain if not at the top).  But the truth is that I also don't sleep a lot because I stay up too late.  It sounds simple I know, like, duh.  I stay up too late at night so I am tired the next day.  I get this.  Its the reasons why I stay up too late that are more complex.
There is something deeply symbolic about ending a day I think.  Ending a day by choosing to lay your head down, close your eyes and sleep - its an ending that is necessary to go through before the new day can start. For many I know that going to sleep is a blessed escape from the day.  For many it is a practicality - their bodies need sleep, so they go to bed.  For me it has always been more complicated.
When I end a day I like to feel that I have achieved what I wanted for the day.  I end a day happily when I am satisfied with my day, when I am satisfied with my life.  I end a day happily when I feel that the world is in balance.  The rest of the time I go kicking and screaming, metaphorically.  I drag myself off when I can no longer put it off.  When my head has fallen on my keyboard too many times, or my vision is so blurry I can no longer make excuses to stay up.
And this is a sign, its a sign that I am not satisfied.  I push later, longer, harder... compress the sleep hours into less and less space in my life when I am not happy with the awake hours.  Somehow I think that if I just keep going I will find something that gives me the sense of completion I need to happily snuggle in for the night.  And at the moment I am just not finding it.
I realise that I have done this for most of my adult life and I am saddened and disappointed to realise that I have spent a lot of my adult life incomplete.  I have been looking for something for a really long time... what that is totally eludes me.  Maybe its love, maybe its a sense of home, maybe its a "gang", maybe its an intangible sense of belonging.  I have never found it and really - that is just sad.
I want those things.  I truly cannot understand why they have eluded me.
Does anyone else feel like that?