the joys of public speaking

So tomorrow I have to stand in front of a crowd of media, big wig donors and stakeholders, colleagues and my staff and give a stupid speech.  The speech isn't stupid but I am feeling somewhat petulant about it so be tolerant of me.  Its quite a good speech, if I do say so myself...I was quite happy with how it came out.  Now if only I could get someone else to read it I would be thrilled.
I am not a limelight girl.  At parties I hover in the kitchen.  At events I stand back and applaud others.  Somehow I agreed to be a CEO but I work closely with my team of managers - its never just about me.  I hate the attention being on me.  Yes I am an aquarian, a natural entertainer - but only if its not about me.  I love other people's birthdays, but don't really love my own.  You won't be surprised therefore to learn that I hate giving speeches.
So I am talking to myself and trying to remind myself that really, in the grand scheme of life, this is really not a big event.  Its just a day, just two hours.  There are people who are starving, people who are fighting wars, people who are losing their homes, and people who are dying.  This really doesn't rate on the scale of importance.  Perspective woman!
If I allow it to it could become an elephant in my head, filling all the spaces and trumpeting in my ear.  But really - life is full of MUCH more important things than my little speech.  It will be over before I know it, all I have to do is act confident and put on a show, and all will be fine.
Sigh.
Sod off elephant.

I guess I am anything but ordinary.

investing!

The last time I lived in Fiji I stumbled across an artist's work, and it re-inspired me in my own creativity.  I was stunned by his work, I took photos of it and sent them to my friends, and I treasured them as reminders that art could still inspire me.
At that time the work was doing a tour of the South Pacific, and it was not for sale.  And I was a poor volunteer...
This week I went to an exhibition of local arts, and he was there, and I met him.  And I was able to see his new paintings.  Its a new style, a little different to the ones I saw 5 years ago, but still beautiful.  And this time I am not a poor volunteer, I am a CEO....and this time I got to buy one.
I now own a Mason James Lee original and I love it.  May it inspire me to fly high, stay pure and see the patterns of life with perspective.

let them eat vegies...

Let it be known that we are harvesting the spoils of our labours... and we are eating of it!  Cucumbers feature daily on the little angel's plate, freshly plucked from the vines.  Tomatoes ripen with joyous regularity on the shelf safe coming from the thieving birds, basil enriches my pasta, lettuces fill out my salads and bok choy greens my tofu.
Rewards abound...

hotel room ramblings

So I am in a hotel room in Suva... after a looong day of bus trip and meetings, and I should be sleeping in preparation for tomorrow's very long day of meetings.  I find myself in my days conducting myself in ways that I wouldn't have expected myself to be able to.  I find myself confidently negotiating, planning, holding the big picture and strategising... how did I become this person?  little old me?
But now I am tired, in a hotel room far from my little angel, working away at midnight... I miss my home, my veggie garden, my chickens, my child... Sometimes its hard to stay focussed on the people I am working to help and not get caught up in the game if it all... to take on the challenge for its own sake rather than with clear motivation for the people at the end of the process.
I'm going into a challenging meeting tomorrow and I am going to take that as my mantra - this is about the people, the women, the vulnerable... this is about how to best help them - not how to prove how good I am, how good my organisation is...
Keeping it real.  Putting People First.

It politics, damn it, but I care...

So for most of my life I have avoided politics... I will admit - I have kind of taken it for granted that the basic moralities would be covered, and the rest, well - I am still in grief over when Howard was re-elected the first time and I think that day something in me broke and has never repaired.  It was the day I gave up on democracy.  I simply cannot fathom how the stupid greedy self-serving uneducated masses get to decide my future.  So I have avoided it, I vote...but I try to stay out of really engaging in it.  The Kevin11 election reawakened my optimism for a while, and then it was dashed on the rocks when that woman-who-is-an-insult-to-unmarried-women muscled her way in.
And now I have reached an all time low.  I cannot understand how the greedy bastards can say "oh labour is making a mess of everything" and "oh we have some debt so its all labour's fault" and "me making money is the only priority" and overlook the reality that we are a remarkably strong financial position internationally, our dollar is stronger than ever, and we have somehow managed this while still supporting women and vulnerable people in our communities.  So Queensland is the precurser of what is no doubt going to happen nationally - asshole bastards are dismantling all the basic services that support our most needy and vulnerable  groups, they are slashing women's services, they are slashing jobs and attacking the people who have no money to fight back.  They fund horse tracks and goat racing while defunding breast cancer and HIV services.
I am ashamed.  I am so horrified each day as I read about more and more unthinkable realities coming to be.  I am utterly and completely powerless but if nothing else, I have started to care again.  At first I wanted to run away, live somewhere else, not be confronted by the evilness... now I am starting to want to fight, to rally, to protest... to at least be one small drop in the resistance.
You assholes... you are not the bloody boss of me!  so there!

yep, melancholia... mild but annoying...

welcome chicks!

So we welcome Hannah 2 and Frankie into our cardboard box home, and soon into their massive fort knox style play palace in our yard.  May they fare better than Hannah 1.  It will take 4-5 months for them to start to lay eggs apparently... its like, quite a, sort of, commitment!

what did I do this week...

So its wednesday... and I pause to reflect on the week... what have I achieved this week?
Hmmm
A new 3.1 million dollar funding package for work to decrease gender based violence in Fiji...
A new partnership with save the children to provide specialist counselling services to kids who have been victims of sexual exploitation...
A new partnership with the National Council on Prevention of Suicide, and Fiji Police, to improve methods for targeting suicide prevention strategies to the people who need them most...
A new agreement to be the lead/convening agency of the working party to establish minimum standards and strategies for delivering mental health and psychosocial support in disasters.
A new agreement with Unicef to support our school based counselling programs
A new funding agreement to provide water filters to flood affected families
A new beginning to the total restructure of the way we are core funded over the next three years.
A new manager of counselling services
New branch managers for two of our branches
A new opportunity to work with one of the other major NGO's who have refused to communicate with us for years...
A new way of approaching the asia pacific sex work agency symposium we are hosting

Hmmm - and thats on top of the normal day to day work of being a CEO.  Not too bad for a Monday and Tuesday...plus 8 hours of driving to and from Suva...

Oh and two new chickens and a new first cucumber in my garden!

No wonder I am a bit tired.
It must be the cucumber.