The kindness of receiving

So this week I reconnected with a friend... it is a friendship which has seen its ups and its downs, its peaks of joy and celebration and its valleys of fog and gloom... it has not been an easy road, but in many ways I think I appreciate it more richly for the knowledge that it is hard won and worth the trek. If we flew to the top of a mountain would we admire the view as much as if we earned it by sweating up the path? In any case... rekindling the warmth of this friendship has reminded me of a valuable lesson that I am being taught at this time in my life.

I have so enjoyed the generous support of my dear ones this week (see previous post) and this is a precious part of my reminding myself of the importance of balancing giving and receiving. I recognise in myself a propensity to give and give and an avoidance of sitting back and having the stillness to allow others to give to me. I can, at times, bombard people with kindness - in a "doing for you" way that does not allow space for them to do for me. This is, of course, rooted in a fear that they will not want to do for me... and when they do - then I often react in stress, and with the need to prove that I do not need them to do for me.... Since having a child I have been learning over and over again that allowing someone to help me/us does not necessarily mean that I am incapable, or that anyone views me that way. I am learning that it is ok to accept support even when I could/would be able to do it myself.... I am learning that accepting support does not need to threaten me or make me seem like a needy person. I am realising again that closeness is about balance, and that warmth from others does not necessarily need to be earned by doing, it can be earned by appreciatively receiving. I am reminded that friendship is about equality and mutuality. I am learning, again, the lesson of the kindness of receiving.

And so in reconnecting with my friend I am finding my feet in a friendship where previously I worked so hard to make a place for myself by giving and "doing for"... and where now, in a space of not being needed anymore... there might be the space to feel wanted.

Regardless of what has come before or what will come in the future... its a good feeling to be growing myself in this way.