Not holding back, not jumping off a cliff…

This year's life theme.... balance....

How do I balance putting myself forward, confidently, believing in myself and going for goals…with the risk of throwing myself off a cliff in a tangle of over-commitment and attempts to do so much that nothing gets done properly?… How do I work out the difference between pacing myself, and holding back in fear?  How do I do enough, but not too much, but not miss opportunities…but not push myself too hard…but seize the day…but live a simple life….???

Living through my child

I love my kid… I love her from deep inside my cells…so it stands to reason that I want, with all my heart, for her to be happy.  What I am starting to reflect on is how much my own definitions of happiness, my own life wishes, my own insecurities, affect my parenting.

As a child, I wanted friends…lots of them… I wanted to fit in, to be liked, to feel ‘cool’ and to surround myself with people who would unconditionally, reliably, want me there for them and in turn be there for me.  My experience was, however, more that friendships ebbed and flowed…sometimes I felt surrounded by love and laughter, and at other times I felt deeply alone and lonely.  I feared that loneliness and as I became an adult I worked double-time to try and avoid it.  I relentlessly gathered people, hoping sheer quantity would secure me against ever feeling alone… I worked over-time, to the point of exhaustion, to keep friends in my life as regularly and as richly as possible.  I bent myself in knots to be what I thought they wanted me to be… so that I would never feel alone.

And yet, I have often felt lonely and deeply alone. 

I watch myself now, in my parenting, and my fear of loneliness niggles at me… I fear it for her and now I see myself working over-time, this time for her friends…organising play-dates, throwing elaborate parties, building friendships with other mothers… All so that she will never feel alone.  And reflecting on this I realise that I have to stop.  I have to step back.  If people like her, as a person, its unnecessary.  If people don’t really like her, as a person, its futile. 

My fears, my insecurities… not hers.

When life is grand....

When life is grand I forget to blog...
When life is grand, my heart is filled with love and there is less room for introspection and reflection
When life is grand I look outward instead of in
When life is grand I sleep more, eat more, do more
When life is grand I run more on hugs than words
When life is grand I am happy in the knowledge that my dear friends are there, by choice, for enjoyment, even when I don't need a shoulder to lean on
When life is grand I fill my days with love and life
Life is grand!
My blog is neglected....

Doing for yourself

So I have been feeling a little depleted.  Life has been hectic and I am giving a lot of my energy and attention to looking after my loved ones at the moment.  I love this, don't get me wrong... being dedicated to caring for and about the people in my life is a fundamental chunk of my personality, of who I am in the world... but at the same time I know I need to replenish my stocks of energy sometimes.  So I happened across this LifeBuzz post recently and it seemed to have some good stuff in it...

http://www.lifebuzz.com/start-doing/

And so I decided to take a note of the main points... and to start to try and more consciously focus on these things in my days.  What is interesting, as I read through them now, is how proud I feel because actually... I am already doing a lot of them.  But it is useful to revisit, reaffirm, reinforce and renew.... My challenge to myself is to make sure that I am doing all of them, as much of the time as possible.

So there they are : 30 things to start doing for yourself
#1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

#2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

#3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.

#4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

#5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

#6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

#7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

#8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.

#9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.

#10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

#11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.

#12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.

#13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.

#14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

#15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.

#16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

#17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

#18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

#19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

#20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.

#21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.

#22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.

#23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.

#24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

#25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

#26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.

#27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

#28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.

#29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness.

#30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Catch up.....

So I've been going around in circles... It's been so long since I wrote anything here that there is too much to catch up on... And the longer I leave it the more unsaid things build up in a long line between my mind and the page. They jiggle in the queue, not wanting to be forgotten... And I shush them and go off to do something else....
So many milestones.... My little baby girl has grown up, donned a maroon uniform, and started big girl school.  She loves it so much I am almost jealous....not jealous for her affection but jealous that my own heady days of primary school excitement are a dim dusty recollection of the past.  I stand outside the classroom and I can almost taste the excitement, the brains stretching and growing into new shapes, the hearts opening like new leaves unfurling....
My heart has found a glove... A person who fits me, wraps me, makes me feel warm and soft and comfortable. I chose to put aside fear and invite her to make her home with us. And slowly, one little tentative step and a time, we are finding out what if these three make some kind of family shape.
My mind has found new stimulation as I have set foot determinedly on a path of study that maybe just might lead to a career of sorts. After being Jill-of-all-trades-master-of-none for all of my life, I may have found something that resembles a pathway...small stepping stones towards being someone who can tell you what makes people happy....sort of.... My new passion is how we evaluate changes in wellbeing in social programs. It's hard, full of conceptual assumptions and subjective quick sand... But I see a direction laid out before me and I am testing the grounds...
Many many more small and large changes and experiences flow around me and through me and have done since last I turned to my blog to record the snapshots of this adventure I am part of. Mostly however, I find myself in a quiet settled space. Loving my daughter fills my days and makes me have to grow my heart regularly to fit it all in. Loving my fire haired muse gives me a sense of peace and balance in my days. Loving my home and shaping it around me gives me a sense of roots and place. I breath and face each day with a sense of equanimity and I sleep well.
Life is good.

Family Christmas

So this year we had our first "proper" family Christmas... I say "proper" in inverted commas because while I have always loved our little family Christmases, a part of me has felt like they were not quite the thing... You know....the crowded table full of family and food, kids running wild, people having four conversations at once and a general state of chaotic happiness that I see in movies....
And so this year we had just that... My uncle, aunt, cousin, cousins husband and two kids, my mum and dad and daughter...all gathered around the groaning table.... wrapping paper shreds and misplaced wine glasses, snoring post-feast men and mums chasing over-excited kids.... And it was delightful and lovely... And I am so glad that we made the effort to relocate Christmas to another state so that we could experience this iconic family moment...
I am glad not only because it was a lot of fun and satisfied the urge I have had for years to experience a "normal" Christmas.... And am also glad because while I really enjoyed it... I didn't enjoy it significantly more than our usual peaceful simple celebrations.  For many years it was just three of us, then four, with a couple of extras joining on different years along the way.  And we have our routines and our likes... And we strive to fill the empty chairs with extra efforts and cheer.... And I love that too...  And next year I am looking forward to another new and beloved face at our table, and so sharing a new family table as well...
So now I feel at peace with the ghost of Christmas... Whether small or large, whether our immediate family or the whole horde...Christmas is about love...and in our little family we have that in abundance... And that's plenty for me.

Dreamer

So I am a dreamer.
I have thousands of dreams... I have uncountable moments in my day when I pause to imagine a life that could be.  I throw ideas out onto the universal winds...bubbles cast out into the day, each holding a world of possibility....I make impossible plans and I wonder what it would be like to live each of them...

I create lists in my head of all the things I could do in life... I dream up new options and opportunities every day.  The happier I am, the more I dream of what could be...

I want to make a difference in the world.  I want to live an interesting life.  I want to believe that my life will be different, will mean something different, will be a road less traveled.  I want to be courageous about dreaming of the endless possibilities that life offers, and I want to live amongst those dreams each day.

I want to do aid work in Africa and Guatemala.  I think I should go and work with orphans of Sudan.  I dream of living on a small tropical island for six months immersed in my art making and creating things of beauty.  I want to visit my friends in far-flung places.  I want to go to Japan, Lesbos, Flores, Turkey, Laos (again), Bhutan, Tibet, Cambodia, South and Central America, Cuba, Canada, New Zealand.... and everywhere else.  I want to see snow.  I want to go back and live and work in Kathmandu again.  I want to run successful aid agencies.  I want to write about the world and life.  I want to photograph each beautiful fleeting moment of this incredible life.  I want to spend time living in spiritual places, go to meditation classes, read inspiring books and improve my mind.  I have thousands of books and movies and places I want to experience.  I want to take my child to dharma club and dancing and gymnastics and art and acting and everything that will make her a well rounded confident little person in the world.   I want to develop a more useful career, do a PhD, become an expert at something.  I want to really know that I am helping people.  I want to write a children's book, have an exhibition, live in a gorgeously decorated house full of tasteful things I made myself, have a thriving veggie garden, bake bread and do volunteer work.  I want a successful career. I want a simple life.  I want to be an awesome parent and a fabulous friend.  I want to be a dedicated partner and have a rich family life.  I want to exercise regularly, live organically and budget my money well.  I have so many little things that I want to do in each day that I live surrounded by little voices calling me..."hey, what about this, this, that..."

My mind is like a bubble machine and my dreams erupt in rainbow bursts and float around me.  I know that I will never do them all.  I know that in reality a lot of my life is going to be spent cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, washing school uniforms, driving to swimming lessons, driving to gymnastics and play dates, having dinner parties sometimes and going out for Sunday breakfast.  I know that my life is most likely to continue to be fairly domestic, semi-interesting, not totally boring and just a little bit special.  I know that I am not going to be the one who makes a huge difference in the world.  I know that I am not going to be the head of the UN, I am not going to be Prime Minister, I am not going to be the one who runs Save the Children in Sudan, I am not going to be the one who frees Tibet.  Mostly I am ok with that.... Mostly.  Thats why I need my dreams.

When I dream up a plan...no matter how wild and crazy the idea is...for a moment while I am dreaming it I let myself feel it as a reality.  I open my mind to the option and I dive in, just for a moment, and feel that choice envelop me.  And in that one simple moment of dreaming, I get to live that life - that fabulous interesting courageous adventurous life.  I get to be the one who climbs a mountain, faces a fear, builds a snowman, saves the children, explores new horizons, makes a difference.  I get to feel what it is like to be that person.  I get to live it, in my mind, just for a moment.

I know that all of my dreams, in reality, come with massive consequences, hard choices, costs and sacrifices.  I know that it is physically impossible for me to do all that I dream.  I know that I probably would not really choose to do many of them, if the option became real.  But that doesn't matter.  When I dream I suspend reality, cast off the consequences, experience the dream cost-free. When I dream I don't have to face the realities of child care, money, disease, distance from loved ones, logistics. When I dream I get to be the person who does those things, because somewhere in the world someone is doing those things, and no - its not me.   In my dreams I get to borrow another life for a moment.  I get to be more than I am.

I get that sometimes this way of being is stressful for people around me, the people who care about me, the people who are potentially affected by my wild planning, the people who have learned to cringe slightly each time I say "Maybe I could...."  or "Lets....".  I get that it must be hard for the people who think, even for a moment, that I may either really do each of those things; or that I may suffer for not being able to do them.   I am sorry for this...but I need my dreams.  My dreams allow me to not have to live every option, take every step, really do everything I want to do.  My dreams let me live the moment and let it go, happily, peacefully.  My dreams are what allow me to be happy in the here and now.

My life is short, who knows how short...but certainly not long enough or wide enough for most of my dreams to become reality.  So I dream, I create a bubble and for a moment I live inside its rainbow sphere.  I float, in the dream, and experience it, taste it, feel it.  I add it to the bubble cloud, the memory bank of things that may or may not ever come true.  I record it for posterity, make it known that I was at least able to dream it.  I put it out there as an option, and then I can let it go, put on the kettle, do the dishes, put on a load of washing, go to bed.  And my dream floats in the cloud of bubbles that surround me as I move through daily life, dream bubbles that add colour and possibility to my days.

I need my dreams.  They let me be so much more than I ever will be.  They let me be happy with who I am.

we are ready!

So this week my baby girl had her first experience of "Big School"...
Wide eyed she approached the traditional old building, gazing up up up to the high bell tower standing proudly against the bright blue summer sky.   Barely able to contain her excitement as she peered in through the big oak doors she prompted many a smile from the nervously entering mums by crying out "Mummy mummy, is that Big School in there??"
She gripped my hand tightly as we found her new classroom, and then in the bumbling crowds of unfamiliar mums and shyly curious little ones, she slipped from my fingers and was gone...I looked, slightly anxiously, between the plaits and many eager eyes for that little slip of a piece of me that I know so well... and eventually I spotted her, doing the rounds, touching everything with keen fingers, locating and categorising the different tools of childhood, landing on the globe on the teachers desk with enthusiasm.
Around her bobbing head there were tearful eyes, sobbing little people gripping their mummies tightly...tight faced mothers edging backwards reluctantly... Not us though.  "Bye Mummy" she called, only turning back to benevolently give in to my pleading for a kiss goodbye.
I hovered, peeped, toured the school, met the P&C and shelled out wads of cash for terribly unattractive and over-sized school uniforms.
Meanwhile I caught glimpses of her jumping through rainbow hoops, assembling unfamiliar puzzles, weaving her way out of childhood and into Big Girl World.
At the end I opened my arms to my beaming angel and I stepped into the new role - that of the mother collecting her child from school, desperate to know all about their day, eager to share the wonder, to uncover the secrets of all that we miss out on in the mysterious land of the school room. And at the end there were the tears.  Not for us the reluctant holding onto Mummy and childhood...No.  My angel sat by the roadside on the way to the car and sobbed.  "But Mummy, I miss Big School!  I want to stay here NOW....Why can't I stay at big school??"
She is ready.  Now I just have to catch up.

standing still, being...

There are moments in time that are for doing.
There are times that are for moving, creating, learning, growing...
And there are times that are for standing still and welcoming the simple unfolding of life.

There is a phrase that has been echoing through my life for many months now.  It has guided me forward in the tough times, the times in the past year when life felt draining and cloudy, when the learning was hard earned.  Over the last year the phrase danced through my mind tantalisingly and I knew that it was not for the current time, it was my promised reward for future...
And then when I got off the plane in Australia I sniffed the air and I knew that it had become my now.

The phrase is :
"Confident of being in just the right place, at the right time... I knew that all I had to do was to stand still and my future would find me."

My time away from home was limbo time, learning time, giving time.  It was the right thing to do at that time and the right place to be to do it...but it was not a place and time for "me".  What I needed was to get through that time, achieve what I achieved, learn what I learned, and move forward to now, to here.

This is how I have been feeling since we touched down in Australia... I am here, I am home.  I am in my place.  And so I have been confident.  I have known that the time of my phrase was here and all I needed to do was to stand still.  So I stood.  I smiled.  I grew flowers and I tended my friendships.  I smiled some more and I breathed in the fresh air of the beauty of each moment.  I was content, patient, happy.

And then as I stood still a change happened in the air around me.  I was calm and I breathed and I smiled a little more.  A new sweet, gentle, warm, rainbow-tinted breeze entered my life.  And as I stood still I felt an unfolding of the future happening in my life.  Tendrils and tickles and hints of days to come.  As the colours danced I said to them "Hello!  Are you my future come to find me?" And the colours breathed "yes please, I think we might be".  And where the coloured breezes touched the earth a single fresh new shoot emerged, a curling spiral unfolding, a path on which to travel...

Let it go,
Let it out,
Let it all unravel,
Let it free
And it will be
A path on which to travel.

Kindy Girl...

My baby started Kindy today....
Another threshold leapt over with her steady determination to move forward in life.
She proudly carried her new lunchbox and put it in the lunchbox tub.  She remembered where her locker was, and put her bag away... Then she turned and smiled at me, two long plaits swinging as she waved... "Bye mum!"...and I was dismissed.
Thankfully her face lit up when I asked if she would like me to stay for a little while...she was happy to share this transitional moment with me....but once inside it was clear that I was welcome but unnnecessary.  She was happy exploring, meeting new friends, discovering new toys, making her place in this new world.
As I watched her I realised that once upon a time, when I looked in her face, I marvelled at seeing my baby growing up. Now when I look at her I no longer see a growing up baby...I see a little person full of the rich potential of who she is becoming. She is no longer defined by who she was, but who she will be.  And I am so crazy proud of the person she is becoming.  She is smart, funny, kind, brave, open, inquisitive, independent and confident. She is strong willed and knows exactly what she wants. The fact that she is confident enough to believe that she can do what she sets her mind to fills me with pride. The fact that she argues her point but accepts, without tears or tantrums, the times when she cannot do what she wants makes me even more proud.
Yes my little angel is growing into herself and she is beautiful.

Happiness....

I'm home.
I feel at home.
I feel like I am home.
In my youth I fled the restrictions of the familiar, I craved the new and interesting...the adventure...
As I have aged I have noticed, with some bemusement, my process of becoming more and more home and stability oriented. I have routines. I love my routines...the same comfortable places bring me comfort.  Once I would have laughed at myself, but now I am learning to embrace this different sense of self.
I used to fight it, force myself out of my comfort zone...now I surrender and revel in it.
I am happy.
I am extraordinarily happy at the moment, happy in a simple, breath in the moment sort of way, a way which undeniably tells me that I must be in just the right place and the right time.
And as they do when I am in the right place, things are falling into place.
Nothing in life is perfect but my experience is that when you have trusted the direction your feet take you, when you have allowed yourself to follow your instincts...then things just flow as they should. This is how I feel at the moment.
Happy.
It's a good feeling.