The wump of gump

its those moments...

So if a lifetime is made up of moments, I want remember my life by these moments...

Thwarted in our beach sand castle plans by the darkening clouds, we took to the roads for an adventure instead.  (by "roads" I mean driveway, and by "adventure" I mean riding up and down the drive way with mummy running behind to help with the uphill bit at the end).

Ah the pride of peddling very very fast, and not falling off the side of the driveway into the muddy swamp either side...
Ah the elation of reaching the top of the hill at the end of the driveway...
Ah the nervous excitement of rolling down the hill with mummy's reassuring hand on the back of the bike...

And then... lets do it all again!  and again!  and One-More-Time...Pleeeeeease....

Its these moments that define a childhood, for little and big people.

Clever angel

R O O F. Mummy, does this make "roof"?

The angel wanted in on the action...

"Mummy with very long hair, and she grows and grows until she reaches her hair..."

#5 keeping all the balls bouncing...

#4 contemplating opportunity...

Hello Ukraine!

So looking at the stats page I see that my blog has had 11 hits from the Ukraine today.... That's a new one for me! Welcome Ukrainians!

#3 you are my smile...

#2 static head...

Let down by technology

Not a good start to my pledge... Doing my sketches but they refuse to load on my blog... Let me just assure my readers that my commitment is there, it the display of it is thwarted....

Update: fixed!

New challenge... Sketch #1

 

So I have decided to set myself a new personal challenge. In the ongoing quest to maintain positive life balance and keep myself sane in what is rapidly becoming a completely insane year, I am trying to reconnect with the past artist version of myself.   I liked her, she was cool.  She drew in her art journal daily... She was grounded in her emotions (if they were filled with youthful angst). She took risks, was open and adventurous, and she was creative in her life.  I'd like to see more of her. I know she's grown up, and changed, but I know she is still in there, just enjoying an extended nap. 

So since being back in tropical disturbance land I've taken up painting again. With my limits of time and energy I haven't exactly been prolific, but it made me happy to start back down that path. 

I can feel the work monkey sucking at my back, wrapping me in the endless tentacles of the unachievable to do list...and so in order to keep a grip on my journey back to my artist self I have decided to post a sketch a day for 21 days.  Readers may recall last year's 21 days to inner beauty challenge... And this one continues the theme by using 21 days to change a habit, reinforce a new habit or break an old one. 

So here goes... 21 days, 21 sketches... Just quickies... Just to keep my mind in visual self expression mode... And this is today's.

gratifying...

So I am terribly pleased to know that I must be doing something right at home... today the angel kissed my knee and said "I really like you today mummy"... words of endorsement indeed.

Yes Boss...

So it may not come as a surprise to some in my life, but I have realised that I may have a little issue with authority figures... I have been noticing that when ever I am deeply unhappy in a job the reason is almost always a "bad" boss.  In this case I AM the boss... so its my board that have the power to render me almost blind with rage and frustration.  I have been trying to work out where this might be coming from... what is it in me that reacts so vehemently to someone telling me what to do - if I don't agree with them.  I have great respect for bosses who simply let me do my own thing most of the time and provide gentle guidance and support when required.  What really gets my goat though is bosses who I don't agree with but have to follow anyway... it eats me inside.... I lay awake at night, and ruminate on it constantly... its a deep frustration and a silent rage that renders me almost irrational.  Is this a childhood issue that is unresolved?  Is this an arrogance and pride in me that thinks I know better?  Is this my natural and common fury at perceived injustice?  Am I just a bad loser?
It seems that the universe is determined that I confront this issue.  I've had a few really great bosses, but I have had quite a share of ones that have prematurely aged me.  The other time I recall being really frustrated was running a struggling business in which I was the boss - and I wasn't a great one.  So I was mad at myself as well as the situation.  So here I am again - in a really hard job but one that I do actually enjoy, despite the workload... and the thing that is making me walk on the day that my contract ends is a bad boss/board.  Now I know that they are actually independently shit - many people who have no reason to lie to me have indicated that I really do have the bad end of the stick with this one.  And sadly the way that our constitution was written means that they can't be sacked, they can't be brought into line and they can't be controlled except by their own members.  So I am rendered almost powerless and it is eating me up from the inside out.  So... this is my challenge... I will find a way to overcome how badly this affects me.  I will find a way to keep calm.  I will find a way to see this as an opportunity for me to learn about my own issues with authority.
I will turn this around and use it for good instead of evil.
Wish me luck!

And then there was more....

So.... I have realised that the theme for my year as CEO is "going beyond"... The strongest sense I have of the year is that every time I think that I am completely over loaded and stretched as far as I can be.... Then the universe gives me more.... It's crazy.  So at the moment I am almost single handedly running this ocean liner of an organisation since all of the senior management positions are currently vacant.  Thank god I still have my CFO, and my National Manager of Sustainable Futures Programs (yes I named the position coz I am just like that) is back from leave next week....for two months until she goes on maternity leave.... But I am about to get word on a new lot of funding to provide services in 7 other pacific countries (long story, ask me later) and due to a stuff up on the side of the donors I now have to produce an extra $120,000 dollars worth of policies, org review, manuals and other documents before I leave so that the organisation can get the operational and wages money we were promised and have already spent.
So on top of everything else.... Much much more....
But you know what? I'm ok.... I'm smiling... I may be hysterical but then again, I look back over what I have achieved this last year and I think....I've managed to do a huge amount...I've actually done an amazing job under the circumstances...it's been really hard, but I've done it... And yes, I will do this too... And I'm being a great mum, and I'm doing 12wbt and losing weight, and I'm keeping up my social life, painting, reading... Somehow I am holding life together and I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Arrrrrgggg

Seriously at risk of disappearing under a tsunami of work... I've been trying to maintain work life balance this year... But after one month the lack of night and weekend work has left me seriously under a pile of craziness and a looooong way from the good end of my to do list.  I think it's time to give in and be consumed... To dive back into crazy land and let the beasts have me.  6 months and 5 days to go... Counting counting .....

Ants

This country is crawling with ants. My home is full of ants. Everything I touch has ants on it... Every morsel of food or drop of drink left momentarily unattended is ruthlessly claimed by them.  It rains almost everyday at the moment so the sodding ants are perpetually in a state of panic migration.... They are not like Aussie ants though... They are tiny tiny and ever so numerous. Imagine all the ants in your house divided themselves into 12 pieces of ant, which each became an ant itself...and then imagine those ants crawling on the back of your arms, and your neck, and the back of your hands, and that point between your  shoulder blades that is really hard to reach... Then add the thick layer of sweaty slime that the ants are sliding around in on your body and you may start to get a sense of how I feel about these ants.  I used to be relatively kind to little creatures. I've been known to go to great lengths to avoid killing ants.... But these little bastards bring out a vicious murderous side of me that is rarely seen and best left unexplored... Please ants... Get thee hence... I cannot abide thee....

41

41.
I'm now 41.  In many ways this feels really quite different to 40. At 41 I think I am past the age of having a second child.... Which comes with some grief but also a quiet acceptance of my choice. I feel that I am also officially an adult, with all the guts and glory that the lofty title entails. I feel different. I question myself less. I care less what others think of me. I take risks more confidently. I avoid less and confront more. I have an abiding sense of time running out. I am firmer with myself. I make fewer excuses and I am learning to look less to others to blame or solve things for me, and more to myself to step up and take responsibility. I know how to work hard. I know how to fail and to succeed with grace. I don't let a failure make me feel like I am a failure. I have learned a lot and I am also more acutely aware of how much I don't know. I feel guilt for not knowing more at my age. Knowing seems more important than doing in some ways.  I am both more cautious, more thoughtful, and less cautious, more confident. I sound like a parent at times and it doesn't make me cringe because I am ok with being a mother, acting like a mother...  I am much more comfortable in my own quiet company than ever before.  Although I am not entirely free of the desire to be liked by others and a slight paranoia about not being liked is still hanging around, it is less debilitating than in the past.
I'm 41. I wish that life was much much longer. I want to live for at least another 4 lifetimes... But I won't and there is a little grief that tinges my choices now... There is just not enough time left for everything I want to do in life....
But I am 41... I am on my path.... I trust that I am walking in a good direction and I am committed to making the most of the time I have left.

its all about team work...

latest words of little angel delight... "mum, can you please help me pick up the pretend milk?" Me : "have you made a mess sweetie?" "yes can you please help me... its about team work mummy"...

another shining milestone...

So my kid has learned the fine art of subterfuge it seems.... this afternoon she came running to me to beg me to come and take care of the wasp flying around in her room... As I entered her room she suddenly realised I would see the open packet of lollies on her bed.... She did a quick swivel, positioned herself in front of the lollies and declared "oh, its ok mum, there is nothing wrong here".... at least she admitted, when confronted, that she was trying to hide the lollies. At which point I let her eat them because she was just too damn cute.

making an angel smile

 

So there are a great many things that I would like to do in life... so many that I most often find myself tangled in the web of choices and rendered immobile by the limitless options... But in the last month or so I have realised, more than ever, that there is really only one path that matters most.  I have a great many things that I would like to be doing with my life - if I was just thinking about me.  Thus far I have pulled myself in knots trying to tick off the good parent goal on my list and as many others as possible at the same time.  This New Year I realise that actually the thing that really makes me happy is making this little face smile.  In the end I can put aside my stressing about which is the most meaningful path to take and whether to save the world or be an artist or study or grow vegetables...because in the end there is only one litmus test to pass - do my choices make my angel happy?  and all the rest is compromise.