Little angel is finding her voice... no longer the merry chirping little bird...she has learned to voice her discontent in no uncertain terms!

thoughts on being a mother #3

So tonight I cannot quite believe that this perfect little person, this little angel child came from me...
Her cells were made from my cells... her body from my body...
Such a miracle.

thoughts on being a mother #2

So last night I lay in bed... it was cold out in the room, and I was warm and comfortable under my doona. I had only been asleep for an hour before grunty snuffleupagus started up again... grunt, grumble, grunt...pause.... grunt grunt... pause... I know from experience that her eyes are closed but she is starting to be aware that she is hungry... And it struck me... this is not just a temporary thing... I am going to feeding this child for months and months... and then of course my thinking flowed on... I am going to be looking after this child's needs for a long long time... I am responsible for this child for the rest of my life!
Wow...
As is, I am sure, quite normal...the feelings I have for her and about being a mother are not consistent. Sometimes I look at her and my heart melts and I feel full of warm mooshy chocolate fudge feelings...Sometimes I look at her and feel nothing. Sometimes I care for her out of duty...Sometimes I almost (but not quite) resent having to get out of bed and offer my breasts to her, yet again... Sometimes an expression of discomfort on her face will move me to tears. Sometimes I am so full of joy at how incredibly lucky I am, and can't imagine doing anything else...Sometimes I already find I miss my old life a bit...
And I suppose that all I can do is roll with it... surf the waves of the different feelings evoked by this all consuming process... and trust that overall the balance is strongly weighted towards love. I am sure that when she smiles at me for the first time the moments of feeling slightly overwhelmed will all be worth it!

thoughts on being a mother #1

So here I sit... my child lies sleeping restlessly in her bassinet beside me... the tinkle of children's sleep music drifts across the room as I condition her to drift off whenever this music is played... she grunts occasionally, a guttural and indelicate but decidedly cute sound, but stays in dream land.
A few minutes ago I held her in my arms in the dim light of my room... and I soothed her... and I gazed at her little face and tried to get my head around the fact that she is my daughter...for life she will be my daughter... this journey that is my life will, from now, be lived as two not a solo flight...
This is a huge change for me...the independent aquarian who is used to being answerable to no-one, doing things "my way"... being impulsive at times, being withdrawn into myself at times, being adventurous as the whim takes me... Now I must always think of her...her needs, her wishes, her goals...
I tried to imagine the moments that lie ahead...the first time she calls me "mummy", the first time I sit in a school hall to watch her in a concert, the moments when I pick her up from school and she runs to me full of stories of her day, the first time she skins her knee or has a bad dream and cries for her mummy...and thousands more... this is now me - my life.
I have imagined it for so long that now that it is here it still feels unreal - like I am still imagining it, dreaming about it... like one day I will wake up and she will not be here and I will realise it was all a day dream that was so vivid it felt real.
I know its real, and I don't know its real... at the same time.
I have been so extremely well supported that I have not had a shock moment of realisation of the hard reality of being a parent...I have been so lucky that it has all seemed easy so far - too easy perhaps... maybe that is why I am taking time to get my head into the reality of it.
And at the same time it feels so natural and like I am doing the thing I was born to do... there has not been a harsh transition into the role of mother... I have just slipped into it like a comfortable old jacket. And so perhaps what I mistake for a sense of unreality is actually more of a sense of comfort in the new reality - perhaps it is the strangeness that is missing...
Only time will tell how my head and heart will deal with what is a fundamental core life change, the realisation of my life's dreams, and at the same time - just simple and beautiful.
:-)

my baby is a genius

With my tongue firmly pressed to my cheek wall I pronounce with glee that my baby is a genius :-) At only 16 days old she is already well ahead of her developmental milestones... She can already roll from her tummy onto her back - and babies are not supposed to be able to do that until around 4 months I believe... and she can reach up and hit her hanging toys and make them move... again - not expected until months down the track... Indi spent a happy half hour making those toys dance!
Of course I expect that she will crawl in the next couple of weeks, be walking in no time... be talking around the same time as she sings her first operetta... and be enrolled in medicine by primary school age! I have decided that she is going to be the head of medicine sans frontier prior to giving me adorable clever grandchildren... so she had better get a wiggle on!
:-)

pics

Most precious delicate little one...
She changes moment to moment, from one feed to the next she is more alert, more engaged, more involved in the sensations of life...
Today she discovered she can suck her own thumb!
Each moment is so precious, to be held, savoured, treasured, remembered.... the 700 odd photos so far will help!
These are just a couple that I like :-)

first steps

so I have not written since my dear little Indigo was born... I have started a few times and not gotten far. I think in my mind this is such a momentus, huge, amazing event that I have been thinking that it needed and deserved a big and very meaningful blog entry...
But of course I have not had the time or headspace to do a big colourful and detailed entry...much as I would love to.
So in the end lets settle for a short post just to get the ball rolling...

So please join me in welcoming the gorgeous ms Indigo Rose!

Songs for Indigo

So I have been making a compilation of Songs for Indigo...
All suggestions welcome!
So far it starts out boppy and fun and then gets sleepier as it goes along...
So far it is :

Jungle drum by Emiliana Torrini
Bubbly by Colby Calliat
Indigo by Moloko
You're beautiful by James Blunt... (this one has the word "fucking" in it once...but I will hum over that!)
I'm Yours by Jason Moraz
Ice cream by Sarah McLachlan
Lovin U by Alicia Keys
Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall
Imagine by Alison Crow (a live cover of the John Lennon song)
Indigo Girl by Watershed (so cute!)
Saving Grace by Pete Murray
Butterflies by Alicia Keys
You've got a friend by Carol King
Wild Child by Enya
You are so beautiful by Louis Armstrong
Warm ways by Fleetwood Mac
My Darling Child by Sinead O'Conner
Goodnight my love by Sarah Vaughan
All the pretty horses by Olivia Newton John
The Indigo by Yaruma (a gorgeous instrumental)
In the still of the evening by Jay Rose


Of course its much more important to do this than to tidy my papers and do work... :-)

my last day alone

So today was my last day alone for a long time...
Tomorrow my family arrive, on monday my dear friend flies in, on tuesday another dear friend arrives... and on Wednesday... my child arrives. No longer will I feel the quiet sense of aloneness as I sip my morning cup of tea. I anticipate, realistically I am told, that from now on my mind will always wrap itself around the consciousness of the two of us, rather than just me.
So I sat for quite a while... sipping tea... listening to the breeze, listening to the rain, watching the trees from my balcony... just being....Savouring the moment... the end of my old life, and the threshhold of the new.
:-)

numb

Is my life really changing forever? Somehow I just cannot get my head around the fact that in a mere 7 days and 12 hours I will be signing into an operating theatre to do the act that will forever transform me, my life, my family... and that will create a new person. I know people do it all the time... but I keep going on about it to anyone who will listen in the hope that somewhere in all my ramble a penny will drop and it will, by some miracle, feel real. It really is a phenomenal thing. Perhaps its best to stay numb. Perhaps the only way to deal with the reality is to wait until its real and just have to cope with it then.... Perhaps something fundamental in me will be born at the same time, a new aspect of self that incorporates being a mother (??) and having the full time care of a little person for years to come.
I don't feel ready at all.
So I guess my only choice is to keep sticking my fingers in my ears, singing la la la, and waiting for the big burp that will reveal that all of this was really just a bad case of indigestion.
:-)
la la la... la la la.....
sheesh.

family

Over the weekend I spent time with my dear friend and her family... and I realised all over again how very important a sense of family is to me. This may seem ironic given that people tell me I am about to become a family... but family is more than just a mother and child.... family is something richer and deeper than a bond between two - it is hard to put into words, but its something about being part of a network, a group...whether born or created... its your "clan" that feels like it will undeniably still be there for you tomorrow, and the next day... and for the foreseeable future. They may drive you mad, they may be imperfect in lots of ways... but they are yours.
I think that, coming from a very very small family of origin, I have spent a lot of my life looking for an extended family... and this weekend I felt both sad and hopeful at the same time. I am experiencing a change in the fabric of a very important relationship in my life - feeling it shift and become something different - something just as valuable, but different.... as I symbolically move into the spare room in the life of my former jigsaw "family"... And with that experience the inevitable sense of loss was none-the-less balanced by a positive feeling of hope. I feel the tangible sense, the taste and texture, of what it is that I want... I have loved what I have experienced of this....and rather than allowing grief to hold me back, or trying to hold on to the past... I instead take with me a sense of optimism. I know what I want... and I believe that I will find it. I don't know when, I don't know how... but I have a deep sense of trust that it will happen. I will have a sense of a family all of my own one day. I just have to be patient.
And in the meantime... my dear friends will be my surrogate family, my foster family... loving no less, being loved no less.... and I am thankful for what I have.

I still believe in love :-)

The final scan

So once, not so long ago, my life was filled with "firsts"... the first scan, the first heart beat, the first movements.... and soon again my life will be themed with firsts... the first feed, the first bath, the first smile, etc etc.... but for now I am in the in between bit - the "lasts".... my last day at work has come and gone... and today was my last scan... the last 4-d glimpse of my baby until I see her for real... not such a clear one. I won't worry about putting up the photos because she charmingly squished her dear little face into my uterus wall and proceeded to lick it, instead of obligingly posing for happy snaps. In the word of the sonographer "gross!" But the good news is that whilst remaining a wee little bubba (currently estimated at 2.2 kg, so possibly about 2.5-2.7 at birth) she is indeed growing happily along her own growth line, all her bits are functioning happily, and she is merrily playing along until the day - in 14 days time - when she is brought forth to take on the big world...
I still find it unfathomable that I am going to be a real life mum in 2 weeks. Its too big for me to get my brain around!
But - in the way of all great events in life, time flows inexorably forth and I will get my head around it when I have to - well, because I just have to!
So... last days will become first days.... and so the cycles of life will go on!
:-)

So I was supposed to let her go....
Her other mother, my ex and dear friend, came up this weekend to get her and take her back to the big city so that I can be free to devote myself to my child... and I couldn't do it.
I've put it off for another month.... in my usual style of thinking I can do anything, I twist ways in my head that I can look after a new baby and a large boistrous dog... but how does one give up on something so dear? Perhaps when I have a new little dear one in my arms it will not seem so hard....

Friendship

I sit...wide awake still at 4 am.... and i ponder a very familiar train of thoughts...what is friendship all about really? When I was younger I took friendship for granted...friends were easily made, embraced, enjoyed... life moved on and new friends were made in a moment... Some old friends lasted through life's movements and some connections didn't last in the sense of a physical connection - but in my mind they were all still friends. Its a very aquarian trait to value friendship above all else, as the most sacred and important thing in life, yet not to attach it to solidity and consistency - to a set person or place or time... Throughout my life when I look back the richness all lies in the friendships I have known...as has the deepest suffering when friendships have gone sour.
As I have become older friendship has troubled me more however... no longer content to roam and fill my senses with the new learning of changing friendships - I find myself looking for more solidity and consistency... and as I have taken on the adventure of being a single parent I have absolutely realised the importance of "building block" style friendship rather than the "flowing river, transient, new adventures around the corner" style friendship that I had been happy with before... now I look to friendships to be carefully built on solid foundations, and to be trustworthy, loyal, consistent... and I realise that this kind of friendship requires great fortitude in coming up against my own fears and insecurities...that it requires great flexibility in overcoming disappointments at times... that it requires one to be both discerning and accepting at the same time.
So I find myself thinking more deeply than I have before, in my 37 years of bouncing around, about just what friendship is all about - what can I expect from it? what should I accept and not accept? what do I need to put into it and what can I hope for in return? how important is it to me really? is it the case that at the end of the day the only person I can really rely on is myself...or can I expect to be able to rely on others if they are true friends? and what does that "relying" look like? when do I let go of it and when do I fight for it? where do I draw the lines between true friends, fair weather friends, situational friends (those whose friendship only really exists in a certain context eg work) and mere acquaintances... with some people it is easy, with others harder, and some seem to swim between categories...
I googled friendship and found the following quote on a page called "the meaning of friendship"... its the closest I have found to something that resonates in its balance of pragmatism and idealism...
And as for me... I will keep on pondering - keep on exploring - keep on experimenting....
Perhaps the trick lies in expecting nothing and thus never being disappointed... but rejoicing in the times that do deliver unexpected moments of joy....

What is friendship? What is the meaning of this relationship? We have often sought answers to these questions, yet we have never come up with an adequate answer. This is because this relationship is an amalgamation of beautiful and complex feelings, which may not often be described in words. Defining a relationship is never easy, as there are so many facets to it. However we don't need a bunch of words to make us realize the deep meaning of friendship.

According to George Elliot "Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words."

This heartwarming expression captures the essence of friendship. When two people share a strong bond of mutual understanding, respect and love it lays the foundation stone for an everlasting friendship. This bond just gets stronger with time; the trust between the two people grows and so does the attachment. This is the beauty of the relationship and is the essential meaning of friendship.

Being friends means being there for each other at all times, whether it's good or bad. A friend needs to be very understanding and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Ideally the meaning of friendship is sharing unconditional love for each other. However this is not an ideal world; therefore some form of expectations are allowed, but that has a limit too. The purpose and meaning of friendship is to make life's burdens lighter for our friends and not make them heavier. The Roman thinker Cicero said "Friendship makes prosperity brighter, while it lightens adversity by sharing its griefs and anxieties."

Searching for the meaning of friendship has always been a burning question. However as soon as we meet our friends all these questions get answered automatically. The answer to what is the meaning of friendship lies within our hearts, because true friendship can only be felt, and not expressed. Something so pure and essential is not always visible to the eye, but is felt by the heart.

my lovely friends celebrating my coming baby!

Canvas painting to create a collage of love :-)

how big does a belly do?

So at 34 weeks....its hard to imagine that if I was going to full term I would still have 6 weeks of growing to go! And its incredible to think that this baby is one of the smallest around... only just in the normal range, but roughly in the bottom 5-10% of babies... my doc has estimated that she might be about 2.5 kgs at birth... not unhealthy, but definately a wee thing!









So I regard my full moon belly with bemusement as I count down the days... 3 weeks and one day until Indigo Rose is in my arms...

Very exciting, surreal, bemusing, terrifying, hard to believe, and incredible all at the same time...

The reality of finishing work this week is big enough to try and wrap my head around - 6 months of no work to go to... the rest I am trusting to the theory that it will all be ok when its real...
:-)

A rose by any other name...

So what do we think of the name Indigo Rose...?

Google tells me that it is, in its diversity, a software company, a belly dancing group, a folky looking singer with long red hair, a supplier of quality cross stitch materials, and a novel by Susan Beth Miller.

The first line of the novel is "There comes a time you've walked so long on a twisted path you forget what you set out looking for and are content just to find your way home"

It also links my child to both of her grandparents in a way... One of our family traditions is that my mother's mother, my mother, and I all wear the same perfume...TeaRose. And my other grandmother's name was Rosa.

So as a name it is this week's hot contender...
Comments welcome!

What's in a name??

My list is getting ever longer and ever further away from any kind of decisiveness!

Indigo
Lily
Claire
Sara
Sophia
Catelyn
Amelie
Chloe
Lucy
Izabella
... and so it goes on....

The roller coaster is almost home!!

So how gorgeous is my little girl???
Oh its been such a roller-coaster ride, this journey of making a person...Today I sit bathed in the sweet scents of relief... Yesterday I soaked in the stress of being told that my dear daughter may have stopped growing properly and need to be birthed early and fed in hospital... a diabetes complication - sometimes the placenta stops working properly. So I was contemplating the idea of giving birth next week... and horrified by floating visual images of tiny little babies in humidi-cribs...
BUT...as has been the way of it so far - the crisis is averted and large sighs of relief echo forth after an emergency scan today revealed that she is absolutely healthy and happy - just small. As the sonographer tactfully pointed out - I am no basketball player... it seems that her "normal" size up until now was possibly due to the accelerated growth associated with diabetes, and now that I have dreaded blood sugars more under control..she is reverting to her own intended genetics :-) She's a wee little cutie just like me!
Personally I think she has inherited my striking resemblance to a shorter version of Angelina :-)

So thank you immensely to all who sent messages and made calls of wonderful support - and especially to my dear friend who blew off an important meeting to come and metaphorically hold my hand during the scan (no actual public affection of course :-) I felt wonderfully cared for and surrounded by positivity.


AND we have a date :-)
Now that we know she is growing ok... its back to the planned cesarean at 38 weeks...
And so we are all booked in - my wee nameless child will be entering the world at 7:30am on Wednesday the 8th April 2009... Yippee! 34 days to go!