phew...

So Here I Am....
As my dear friend reminded me recently... "where ever I go - there I am"
I have been greatly surprised by the level of culture shock I have experienced returning to australia this time. Before I left Fiji I joked about it, I anticipated it in a "be prepared for the worst" sort of not-really-real sort of a way. I mean after all, its not that long really since I was here last. And its not like I was living in a remote african village... Its not like I haven' t seen a car for two years or anything...
However the shock to my system from being here has stunned me.
Its been like being beaten with a rubber bat... not excruciating or bone crushing...but decidedly uncomfortable. When I have visited for holidays it has felt very different... this time I have opened my eyes wider I suppose... like landing on a different planet and looking around - trying to position myself in this new world. I look around and people are odd... ok so I have been hanging out in Newtown...so that is a reality not a perception... but people walk hunched over, they dress in colourless clothes, they don't make eye contact, and they frown ... people are so serious! I know in Fiji I complained that people lacked initiative and were too much about having a good time... but really - in Newtown most people really look like they need a few bowls of kava and some bula fabric.
In Fiji people say Hi (BULA!), they smile for no reason, they clap each other on the back and laugh with open mouths, heads thrown back and bellies swollen with joy. In Sydney people scurry... heads down.... and I am struck by the sense of "busyness"... of people who are so seriously intent on being busy, on filling their days, filling their heads... (as opposed to Fiji where people are mainly interested in filling their bellies!) People seem to work so hard at being busy! And I sit, in cafes, and I watch... and I see the same people walking past over and over again. Sometimes they are not the same people they just look alike, but sometimes they are literally the same people... walking up and down the same street...walking with purpose, with busyness...but where are they going ?? What is the purpose of all the busyness? What are they achieving? And in that moment the city collapses into one big network where everyone is working so hard to support each others busyness... and nothing is produced but activity. The filling of time... distraction...
and on that note... I'm off for some more distraction... :-)

Hello Australia!

Doing our bit from the shores of paradise....

My future in Australia hangs in the balance.... bring on the election.... :-)

So Long and Thanks for all the Fish...

leaving one lot of bright lights for another...

How lovely that Lautoka turned out its finest to farewell me on my last night :-) I sit on my bed... contemplating the reality of the fact that my cupboard is finally bare... of course unlike Mother Hubbard my inner stores are brimming to overflowing. And outside the fireworks (its Diwali of course) fill the sky, cracking and popping melodiously at times, riotously at others... and the lights flame brightly for a moment and fade away, reminding me that this is indeed the nature of life... Just as my time here as been spectacular and vivid... so too it passes into memories so quickly. Oddly I feel little... a vague sense of reminiscence, a slight tantalising sense of excitement about my mum's chocolate cake that awaits me on home shores, a tickly feeling of happiness at my dearest ones becoming nearest once again... but over-all a quiet sense of well-being, of the rightness of this next step, of moving forward. Let the carpets of life unravel before me :-)....
See you all very soon!

Seeing things my way :-)

As my days slip softly through the hour glass... I store moments in my mind... mental pictures that will be brought out in quiet moments, or when someone says "so what was Fiji like?"....
Perhaps you will sense a theme in the sights before my eyes over the last few days! This week Fe and I resort hopped our way to relaxation and saturated ourselves with luxurious surroundings... Ah Fiji... after the people - these are some of the views I will miss most :-)

The end of an era...

So its all over... including the singing :-)
With many tears and much gratuitous praise of Rhianon the Super-fabulous... I have been farewelled to within an inch of my life :-) (As well as being plied with wonderful gifts - joy!)
My farewell lunch - the official one as opposed to all of the other last morning teas and last tutorials and last days etc - was a humbling and incredible experience as 28 wonderful people stood up one by one and each told me exactly what they think of me and what I have done for them. To see grown men and women sobbing, tears rolling down and dripping off their chins onto the table, all for the sake of saying good-bye to lil ol' me was an awe inspiring experience that I will never forget.
After all of the emotion we all needed a stiff drink... and much merriment was had indeed. For the first time in 20 months I actually got to put aside my "teacher" boundaries and just hang with the gang - and it was a hoot! These kids know how to party! NOW I find out :-)
Ah well... back to the land of family and friends.... good bye life changing job, good bye fabulously friendly and now so familar faces, good bye resort life ...
HELLO HOME! SEE YOU SOON!

New Faces...

So its really happening - it is really all coming to an end...
And here are the lovely fresh faces of the new era in Pacific Counselling and Social Services. I suspect the trainees (not to mention my boss) were a wee bit scared of Polly - the up-dated, dread-locked, tattooed "cool" version of me... but her warmth and capacity for beer has won them over :-) And despite being a funky melbourne chick, polly did survive the farm experience well...but seemed somewhat happier with my afternoon's orientation agenda - the resort pools of course :-)









And Tiffany - well, if anyone can organise Fiji she can... she is a 26 year old single mum and already knows exactly how to do and find everything she wants, and who to talk to to get it! On one of her first days I called her to check if she needed help finding her way into town, only to find she was not only in town but enjoying a quick pedicure!
Sadly her piano did not fit in the shipping containers she brought with her... but everything else did :-) I am sure that as her adventures unfold (neatly) her friends will be as green with envy as her Goooorgeous son in his new Dinosaur outfit :-)

Feels like such a shame to be leaving just when the road-show has hit town, but... life moves on and so shall I. :-)

How Times Change....

I was trying to explain to Polly, who has come to replace me, that once upon a time I too would never have thought that I would wear floral bula fabric...

and I was thinking about how my "look" has changed as I have assimilated into tropical island life :-)


The "before and after" shots !!

Pictures speak for me...

So I had to stop four times in my speech at graduation to hold back the tears...tears of happiness and sadness.... so now I think I will let the photos speak for me...
I'll just say it was a wonderful night, tears and laughter flowing together for many of the guests as well as the graduates, my boss, me... the end of an era and a bright beginning the fruition of the reality of this project.

There was much dancing and merriment...

And I was even supplied with a true "fiji" moment for my memories when the caterers turned up 2 hours late with the food not ready yet.... ah Fiji... :-)

GRADUATION!

Oh so proud!
Will write more when i am not so exhausted but I wanted to put up a photo straight away!

Change is the only thing that stays constant...

As I contemplate times of change...

This lovely Hindu poem came from my friend Sam....

THE EXHORTATION OF THE DAWN

Look to this day, for it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course lie all the verities
And realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendour of beauty;
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision;
But today, well lived, makes every yesterday
A dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Scents of convenience...

There are some things I am REALLY going to miss about being here... and well, one of them is having a cleaner. Oh the luxury of it. I know I espouse the simple life... but I call it my "income generation program"...
I TRY not to feel like an indulgent colonialist...
I mean, she is a widow with 9 children in a country where there is no single parent pension. And I do my best to do right by her....
and today, in thanks, she filled my house with Gardenia...

Oh the simple joys of life....

I will really miss this :-)

TV Wisdom

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous!”

-Carrie Bradshaw
My friend Steph was inspired by the Ben Okri quote... and in return I got this one from her facebook page. From the mouth of pop culture :-) but today it touched me.
I think it is in the last bit - "to love the you that you love"... which entails first finding a you that you love, and then being able to hold onto her in the presence of others, and finding another who loves her - "just the way she is" (to mix TV icons - thanks bridget) rather than someone who loves parts of you that you are ok with being, but don't necessarily love.
I hope that makes sense...
I think perhaps finding someone to love you is not always so hard in life, but finding someone to love a you that you love... now that is a challenge.

Confessions....

Hi
My Name is Rhianon....
And I am a hoarder....
Its been 2 weeks since my last hoarding binge (damn that Indian Festival Market)
But I have always been a hoarder (yes mum, I know...)

And once again I am feeling the consequences... How can one little person have so much stuff ?
Packing ... ug.

:-)

Words of Inspiration

Today while packing I found again this poem... I had written it down to bring with me when I left to come here... I think it is one of the most inspiring pieces of writing I have come across in terms of a way of living and moving through the world...

May it inspire you also... :-)

To An English Friend in Africa – Ben Okri

Be grateful for the freedom
To see other dreams
Bless your loneliness as much as you drank
Of your former companionships
All that you are experiencing now
Will become the moods of future joys
So bless it all

Do not think your way superior
To anothers
Do not venture to judge
But see things with fresh and open eyes
Do not condemn
But praise when you can
And when you can’t, be silent

Time is now a gift for you
A gift of freedom to think and remember and
Understand the ever perplexing past
And to recreate yourself anew
In order to transform time

Live while you are alive
Learn the ways of silence and wisdom
Learn to act, learn a new speech
Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit
Learn to free yourself from all things that moulded you
And which limit your secret and undiscovered world

Remember that all things that happen
To you are raw materials
Endlessly fertile
Endlessly yielding of thought that
Could change your life and go on doing so forever

Never forget to pay and be thankful
For all the things good and bad on the rich road
For everything is changeable
So long as you live while you are alive

Fear not, but be full of light and love
Fear not, but be alert and receptive
Fear not, but act decisively when you should
Fear not, but know when to stop
Fear not, for you are loved by me
Fear not, for death is not the real terror
But life, magically, is

Be joyful in your silence
Be strong in your patience
Do not try to wrestle with the universe
But be sometimes like water or air
Sometimes like fire
And constant like the earth

Live slowly, think slowly, for time is a mystery
Never forget that love
Requires always that you be
The greatest person you are capable of being
Self regenerating and strong and gentle
Your own hero and star

Love always demands the best in us
To always and in our time overcome the worst
And lowest in our souls
Love the world wisely
It is love alone that is the greatest
Weapon and the deepest and hardest secret

So fear not my friend
The darkness is gentler than you think
Be grateful for the manifold dreams of creation
And the many ways of the unnumbered peoples
Be grateful for the life as you live it
And may a wonderful light
Always guide you on the unfolding road

Ramblings from within… a letter to my friends…

Ramblings from within… a letter to my friends…

Today I am home packing up my house, again, filled with deja vu. As I contemplate leaving all that I know here and returning to the well known and yet unfamiliar place called “home”… I do know one thing clearly. It is that I want to hold onto the sense of myself that I have developed in the time that I have been here. In this window in my life I feel like I am slowly becoming a person that I like being. While I have had many moments of doubt, and some of the darkest days of my life while I have been here, I also feel strongly that somehow doing what I do here, living the way that I live here, being the way that I exist and interact here… This is the closest sense of being true to myself that I have known so far in life.

And now as I contemplate changing so much in my life – all over again… I wonder how I can hold onto this sense of myself ? How do you define yourself? Is it in your work? Is it through how your friends see you? Is it through your hobbies and the fun things you do for entertainment? If you took yourself out of all of that, over and over again, how would you define your sense of yourself? I know that since being here a big chunk of how I define myself is wrapped up in being an international volunteer doing fabulous world changing work… it’s a really hard identity to leave behind…

This will be the third time in the last few years that I have changed almost everything in my life. I have had moments of deep questioning about who I am and how I see myself and my place in the world. And the struggle of challenging and questioning my assumptions has made me feel like I have a closer relationship with who I am on the inside.

But – how will I survive returning to my old world? The challenge I am anticipating is how I am to go through this upcoming upheaval without losing the internal sense of myself that has been hard won over the my time here.

My dear friends at home – yes you… you know who you are… you have blown me away with your loyalty and commitment to me over the last several years. I have chopped and changed and weathered drama and such sparkling highs and quiet soggy lows, and you have come along for the ride. To express how much your friendships mean to me would take pages of gushing… but suffice for now to say that you have been my anchor through emotional storms, my reference point through days of sunshine and glory, my solace and my source of bubbling happiness… THANK YOU!!

And so as I go through this next time of change and redefinition of myself… I again ask for your ever-abundant patience… I may seem different to you at times (I have long hair now!), and I am different in lots of ways…there are new things about me, and things that have stayed the same, and things that have always been there that have become stronger… And I trust that you can and will allow me to be who I am now while knowing that I am still the same loving friend… I will be trying to hold onto myself and work out how to be with you and my old world… one step at a time :-) And I am really looking forward to seeing you!!

R
X X

Quote of the day...

"Nothing stays the same unless you don't change..."

Thanks Zohar

Bizarre Quirks of Life No. 9755

So this week I met a Buddhist, vegetarian, counselling, teaching, girl-likin, international volunteer called Rhiannon...no - I wasn't looking in a mirror... she is a 10 year younger version of me working in the next town. Bizarre quirks of life indeed :-)

Priscilla - Sugar would melt in her mouth ...

This weekend opened with another of the bizarre moments of life that remind me that, well,.... I ain't in Kansas now... and just when you think you know what your daily life is all about - well, just a twist of the world on its axis and everything is surprising all over again...

Last Friday night was Priscilla night in down town Lautoka... The Annual Sugar Festival is kind of like the easter show about 20 years ago with rickety old ferris wheels and fairy floss. And it has a terribly serious Sugar Queen competition...but on Friday night the most popular event of all... The Priscilla Night (I suspect few of the audience have actually seen the film) served up a fabulous technicolour smorgasboard of drag queens competing for the coveted crown... I have never seen such an incredible standard of drag, a riot of risque, a spectacle of ball gowns and breasts and legs TO DIE FOR! FAAAAAAbulous Darling.... and the crowds loved it.... I don't know how they get away with it!

It was all too much for one little man though;-)

A time of lasts...

So its that time... the time when daily experiences become redefined by their impermanence. My last day at the beach, the last quiet weekend before the other volunteers arrive... counting down my lunches in my favourite vegetarian indian cafe.... my last tutorial with my trainees... Mentally I shift between future focussed thinking, feeling like I have already mentally moved forward... and being strongly in the moment, trying to drink in the "now"...sipping slowly... knowing that only too soon the slurpy loud sucking sound at the bottom of the glass will signify The End.

Last weekend an eclectic picnic of blueberry yogurt, herb cheese, seaweed crackers, mexican dip, chocolate, cheese chips and pineapple celebrated the last trip to the main land beach...

I am reminded that a vastly improved range of food is one of the pluses about coming home... although.... I enjoyed the diversity immensely :-)