Tomorrow is Mother's Day... And for the first time ever I'm not celebrating it in any way...my own mother is cruising the Greek islands....we figure she is celebrating enough without a token bunch of flowers from her tropic bound off spring. I'll be sending her my thoughts, but I'm not sure I could top a beachside seafood feast in a village in Crete even if I tried, and I am sure she will be indulging in yet another of those tomorrow.
And my own little four year old angel has turned feral this week... With impeccable timing she has launched another phase of boundary testing rebellion. I know it will, like all the others, pass and peace will be restored...but it's not a shining mummy week I have to say. Spending this morning sitting on the ground outside the fun factory (closed for private function) while she wails that I am not to touch her and refuses to stop pressing her face against the door to the forbidden land was not one of the mothering highlights of my short but mostly happy career in the role.
So I'm going to simply pretend Mother's Day doesn't apply to us this year. We will try again to visit the fun factory (ball pits, slides, trampolines...all the joys of life in one room) and I shall enjoy her smiles as my Mother's Day gift... Maybe I will eat a piece of cake.... And that shall be my day.
Happy Mother's Day to all my dear friends who will be celebrating this year, may your toddlers be angels of happy compliance, may your cups of tea not grow cool, and may you have uninterrupted toilet time :)
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Living to prevent dying regrets....
I read this article today and it got me thinking... am I living the life I truly choose? What regrets will I have on my death bed? What would I do differently if I was going to find a way to reach the end of my life without regrets? I've inserted my reflections into the article... Coz you know, it's my blog and I can do that...
THE TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING:
Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying".
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it."
Am I living a life that is true to me, or am I living other people's expectations?
I find it almost impossible to really know... I've spent a lot of time on this question in my life...but the expectations of others are so tightly woven into everything I have ever known about myself, and are so much a part of how I think about what is meaningful in life, that its impossible to tease out what is just me and what is internalised... Maybe this is because I actually agree with a lot of what I internalised from my parents and my buddhist upbringing.
Do I feel that I am living authentically, in a way which is not in discord with my personal values? Yes... Do I easily get caught up in pleasing others and trying to meet their expectations of me? Yes, I do. Do I actually think its a good personality trait to try and make others happiness a priority? Yes I do... But where does the balance lie? That's the trick question... I think it comes back to listening to whether pleasing others requires compromising authenticity or not...if it doesn't, it's ok...if it does...negotiate, make conscious choices about when to give in and when not to...
That's the point I have reached on that journey...
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
I don't think this one applies to me... Sure I work hard, but I believe passionately in what I am doing and why I am doing it...and if anything, I'm a little lazy and could work harder if I really wanted to be proud of my achievements and have fewer regrets...
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
I'm getting much better at this... It's taken courage, but I'm getting there. No longer do I allow myself to feel silenced by the fear of others reactions to my true feelings. I've learned by doing that out is almost always better than those festering in feelings...
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
Now this one I do need to get better at... I used to be much better at this... Age has narrowed me...I've become much more introspective, introverted, less socially oriented and engaged with others. This is given, of course, that used to be Extreemly Very Social... So it is relative. I have also, flip side, realised that I have friends who I trust I can pick up with at any point like no time has passed...true friends who I may not speak to for years but that I know are still in my life and will always be. I miss them in between though, and I'd like to connect more...
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
Now this one I give myself about 70% on... Nothing like a four year old to remind you about the silliness and joy of life... But could I do more of it? Yes ... Could I spend less time "parenting" and more time playing? Yes, I could... I think the thing I need to work on there is being more present in the moment... I spend too much time with my mind elsewhere...multi-tasking...distracted from the fun of the moment... This is the meditation I need to do more of. An when I have practiced staying present in the moment before... I really do have more fun!
What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
THE TOP FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING:
Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying".
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it."
Am I living a life that is true to me, or am I living other people's expectations?
I find it almost impossible to really know... I've spent a lot of time on this question in my life...but the expectations of others are so tightly woven into everything I have ever known about myself, and are so much a part of how I think about what is meaningful in life, that its impossible to tease out what is just me and what is internalised... Maybe this is because I actually agree with a lot of what I internalised from my parents and my buddhist upbringing.
Do I feel that I am living authentically, in a way which is not in discord with my personal values? Yes... Do I easily get caught up in pleasing others and trying to meet their expectations of me? Yes, I do. Do I actually think its a good personality trait to try and make others happiness a priority? Yes I do... But where does the balance lie? That's the trick question... I think it comes back to listening to whether pleasing others requires compromising authenticity or not...if it doesn't, it's ok...if it does...negotiate, make conscious choices about when to give in and when not to...
That's the point I have reached on that journey...
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
I don't think this one applies to me... Sure I work hard, but I believe passionately in what I am doing and why I am doing it...and if anything, I'm a little lazy and could work harder if I really wanted to be proud of my achievements and have fewer regrets...
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
I'm getting much better at this... It's taken courage, but I'm getting there. No longer do I allow myself to feel silenced by the fear of others reactions to my true feelings. I've learned by doing that out is almost always better than those festering in feelings...
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
Now this one I do need to get better at... I used to be much better at this... Age has narrowed me...I've become much more introspective, introverted, less socially oriented and engaged with others. This is given, of course, that used to be Extreemly Very Social... So it is relative. I have also, flip side, realised that I have friends who I trust I can pick up with at any point like no time has passed...true friends who I may not speak to for years but that I know are still in my life and will always be. I miss them in between though, and I'd like to connect more...
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
Now this one I give myself about 70% on... Nothing like a four year old to remind you about the silliness and joy of life... But could I do more of it? Yes ... Could I spend less time "parenting" and more time playing? Yes, I could... I think the thing I need to work on there is being more present in the moment... I spend too much time with my mind elsewhere...multi-tasking...distracted from the fun of the moment... This is the meditation I need to do more of. An when I have practiced staying present in the moment before... I really do have more fun!
What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
Monday, April 29, 2013
I am you, I am not you...
Ive been watching the final series of Being Erica. Tonight i watched the second last show of the last series made....I will miss it when it is over...every episode delivers a life message...a new perspective, a reminder of known but buried truths, a confirmation of lived truths...
Tonight's Being Erica life lesson...
I am you, and I am not you...
It is a double edged coin of awareness that allows us to both find ourselves in another person in order to have compassion for their experiences, their common struggles, their similar vulnerabilities...and yet to also be mindful that they are fundamentally different people.
Too often we fall into the trap of expecting others to be like us. We expect others to make similar choices, value similar things, treat us they way that we would treat them...and when they don't we are offended, hurt, angry, disappointed, judgemental....and whether we shout in fury or smoulder in silent resentment ...they know... They feel it... They "get" that we wanted them to be more like us. And no-one reponds well to being asked to be less themselves...and nor should they.
So the key? Get rid of the expectation. Live the truth of acceptance of difference, and pardoxically it will be even easier to find the common ground.
I am guilty of this, like most...
I will take this lesson on board in my continual process of being the best me I can be...
Tonight's Being Erica life lesson...
I am you, and I am not you...
It is a double edged coin of awareness that allows us to both find ourselves in another person in order to have compassion for their experiences, their common struggles, their similar vulnerabilities...and yet to also be mindful that they are fundamentally different people.
Too often we fall into the trap of expecting others to be like us. We expect others to make similar choices, value similar things, treat us they way that we would treat them...and when they don't we are offended, hurt, angry, disappointed, judgemental....and whether we shout in fury or smoulder in silent resentment ...they know... They feel it... They "get" that we wanted them to be more like us. And no-one reponds well to being asked to be less themselves...and nor should they.
So the key? Get rid of the expectation. Live the truth of acceptance of difference, and pardoxically it will be even easier to find the common ground.
I am guilty of this, like most...
I will take this lesson on board in my continual process of being the best me I can be...
Saturday, April 27, 2013
The help
Just watched the movie "the help"... I would imagine you have seen it.. I know I am behind the times after four years of little people and foreign lands... I expected a gentle little story... And maybe I'm just in a sensitive mood today but i found it profoundly sad. It was gentle in that it didnt hit you in the face with brutality, but it was, i thought, all the more powerful for it. The quiet domesticity of hatred and disempowerment was nauseating. Oh why is it so easy for people to hate so irrationally? Sometimes I can block out the world and feel relaxed and happy inside... As long as I stay blind and numb. But then something breaks through and reminds me that while people are indeed capable of love and kindness and infinitely inspirational levels of selflessness...too often they squander their lives and miraculous opportunities on hatred and nastiness...
At least it makes those who don't seem like shining lights in the storm.
Oh for a world where people were fundamentally good and evil was the aberration...
At least it makes those who don't seem like shining lights in the storm.
Oh for a world where people were fundamentally good and evil was the aberration...
Friday, April 19, 2013
On equanimity...
Equanimity....
Just thinking the word gives me a warm gentle softening feeling in my heart.
Equanimity.... More than simply viewing things as equal, it is, to me, the profound sensation of letting go of my grasping on to my preferences and judgements about something, about everything. In the moments when I feel myself caught, bound by my own emotional reactions to people and situations, if can think clearly enough to remember, I simply close my eyes and say "equanimity"... And in that moment I breath out - physically and mentally - and I let go. I let go of thinking things should be a certain way because its better then the alternatives. I let go of thinking that people should behave in a certain way because I think it's better. I let go of being annoyed that things don't always, in the sort term, turn out the way I want them to.
In equanimity I let go of should and just let be.
In Buddhism it is upekkha, the foundation of wisdom and compassion...the heart that views all beings as interconnected and valuable and does not preference the happiness of one over the other.
In Judaism it is menuhat ha-nefesh, the foundation of spiritual morality.
Christian philosophy referred to the evenness of mind of equanimity as essential for the virtues of gentleness, temperance and charity.
In Hinduism it is the nature of Brahman, of absolute reality.
Across faiths, culture, beliefs - at the heart lies equanimity.
I find it joyful. When I let go, suddenly I am free.
Free to just love, cherish, appreciate...without judgement, preference, rigidity.
Free to let be, and thus, free to be.
Just thinking the word gives me a warm gentle softening feeling in my heart.
Equanimity.... More than simply viewing things as equal, it is, to me, the profound sensation of letting go of my grasping on to my preferences and judgements about something, about everything. In the moments when I feel myself caught, bound by my own emotional reactions to people and situations, if can think clearly enough to remember, I simply close my eyes and say "equanimity"... And in that moment I breath out - physically and mentally - and I let go. I let go of thinking things should be a certain way because its better then the alternatives. I let go of thinking that people should behave in a certain way because I think it's better. I let go of being annoyed that things don't always, in the sort term, turn out the way I want them to.
In equanimity I let go of should and just let be.
In Buddhism it is upekkha, the foundation of wisdom and compassion...the heart that views all beings as interconnected and valuable and does not preference the happiness of one over the other.
In Judaism it is menuhat ha-nefesh, the foundation of spiritual morality.
Christian philosophy referred to the evenness of mind of equanimity as essential for the virtues of gentleness, temperance and charity.
In Hinduism it is the nature of Brahman, of absolute reality.
Across faiths, culture, beliefs - at the heart lies equanimity.
I find it joyful. When I let go, suddenly I am free.
Free to just love, cherish, appreciate...without judgement, preference, rigidity.
Free to let be, and thus, free to be.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
On Finishing...
So I have written before about finishing... I am not a finisher.
I am a starter certainly...
I am an ideas person...
I love new adventures, opportunities, options...
I love to plan and imagine the wide open space of tomorrow land.
And I am ok with starting, head down, nose to grindstone, getting my teeth into it...
But I am not a finisher.
I hate endings... I hate the limp to the finish line.
I struggle to stay focussed, to bring home the race. When I can see what the outcomes is going to be I lose interest. I want to side track, point out that really - we all know that eventually we are going to cross that line so lets just all it now...
What I don't understand is why...
Why do I not crave the thrill of the perfect ending?
Why do I not seek to sink the final ball, sound the final horn
Why do I not desire the handshake and back pat of a job well finished?
Sometimes I think its because that is the point where I have to say "ok this is as good as it gets"
Sometimes I think its because I get bored and want new stimulation (bet thats a bit too simplistic)
Sometimes I think its a hidden mystery in me that I just don't understand...
But its annoying.
And its happening now.
I am in the final 4 months of this huge life changing job - and all I want is for it to be over... done.... I don't relish the run to the end, I don't feel the desire to bust a gut to leave it in tip top shape for the next person... I just want it to be over now.
But then, stupidly, I also know that I will have a huge come down when it is. I will miss the challenge, the sense of purpose, the all consuming nature of it. I will miss the sense of accomplishment against the odds... and mostly... I will be in a world of pain trying to work out what I want to do next. Sure - I have some plans - I wouldn't be me if I didn't. But its going to take a huge amount of adjustment to let go of this and move on.
So I desperately want it to be over, but I fear it at the same time.
No wonder I don't like finishing.
I am a starter certainly...
I am an ideas person...
I love new adventures, opportunities, options...
I love to plan and imagine the wide open space of tomorrow land.
And I am ok with starting, head down, nose to grindstone, getting my teeth into it...
But I am not a finisher.
I hate endings... I hate the limp to the finish line.
I struggle to stay focussed, to bring home the race. When I can see what the outcomes is going to be I lose interest. I want to side track, point out that really - we all know that eventually we are going to cross that line so lets just all it now...
What I don't understand is why...
Why do I not crave the thrill of the perfect ending?
Why do I not seek to sink the final ball, sound the final horn
Why do I not desire the handshake and back pat of a job well finished?
Sometimes I think its because that is the point where I have to say "ok this is as good as it gets"
Sometimes I think its because I get bored and want new stimulation (bet thats a bit too simplistic)
Sometimes I think its a hidden mystery in me that I just don't understand...
But its annoying.And its happening now.
I am in the final 4 months of this huge life changing job - and all I want is for it to be over... done.... I don't relish the run to the end, I don't feel the desire to bust a gut to leave it in tip top shape for the next person... I just want it to be over now.
But then, stupidly, I also know that I will have a huge come down when it is. I will miss the challenge, the sense of purpose, the all consuming nature of it. I will miss the sense of accomplishment against the odds... and mostly... I will be in a world of pain trying to work out what I want to do next. Sure - I have some plans - I wouldn't be me if I didn't. But its going to take a huge amount of adjustment to let go of this and move on.
So I desperately want it to be over, but I fear it at the same time.
No wonder I don't like finishing.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
An angel turns 4...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
sensible sucks
This year I pledged to myself that I would be more balanced, take better care of myself, make sensible choices...
For the most part its been a great thing - I have made choices that are keeping me sane, helping me achieve more less painfully, making me feel more adult, together, balanced, happy.
But sometimes I just wish that the sensible choice was also the easier, more fun choice.
Once upon a time I was much more reckless, much less safe, much more impulsive, much less "sensible"...
In so many ways I miss those days....
For the most part its been a great thing - I have made choices that are keeping me sane, helping me achieve more less painfully, making me feel more adult, together, balanced, happy.
But sometimes I just wish that the sensible choice was also the easier, more fun choice.
Once upon a time I was much more reckless, much less safe, much more impulsive, much less "sensible"...
In so many ways I miss those days....
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Today I feel in love with the crazy world....
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