On post secret this week... This would be one of my secrets... When I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore I keep telling myself "I am a good person, I am a good person"... and I do believe it, no matter now dark I feel.... I know I am a good person.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
post secrets...
On post secret this week... This would be one of my secrets... When I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore I keep telling myself "I am a good person, I am a good person"... and I do believe it, no matter now dark I feel.... I know I am a good person.
who comes first?
The title of this week's email for the 12 week body transformation program is "who comes first, you or them?" and this hits the nail on the head for me.
In the last two rounds of 12wbt the biggest challenge for me has been holding on to my commitment to the program in the face of "inconveniencing" others. My family are here and cooking - so I tell myself I don't want to put them out by making them either eat my food or have a separate meal to me. My friends are eating out and I tell myself its rude not to join in, to eat my own food before I go or not join them for the meal at all. Someone comes to visit and brings or suggests food I shouldn't eat... well it would be rude to say no to a guest, wouldn't it. I go to someone's house and they have deliberately prepared something gluten free for me... but its not something I should eat on my diet...you get the picture! Ninety-nine percent of the time the perceived "inconvenience" is in my own mind - no one else has ever expressed annoyance... I do their thinking for them and acquiesce before they have a chance to object.
And I reflect on this theme in the bigger picture and I realise how often I am faced with the choice between going for my own goals or fitting in with something that suits someone else... And I realise how much of my life I have wasted fitting in with what suits others... driven by a deep need to be liked that is stronger then the wish to achieve my own goals in life. And now I notice, as I turn 40, that I feel that I am finally moving away from this thinking. I am disillusioned with working hard to be liked by others, sacrificing my own goals to meet what I think others expect of me. And I am starting to resist... to try and stand up for myself and put myself first.
In making this decision I have to accept that I may end up spending more time alone. And I have to be ok with this. I need to let go of needing to fill my life with other people's approval to feel ok about myself. I can instead find my sense of self worth from the goals that I achieve. And in the end, I think that if I am feeling good about myself and the things I am achieving in my life I will paradoxically be more interesting and likeable to others anyway.
So last year I made a pact with myself that I would listen to my guts and if something didn't feel right then I wouldn't do it. And I have been relatively true to that.
This year I make a pact with myself that I am going to put my own personal goals before pleasing others. Not to the degree that means I neglect their real needs or am uncaring... but I am going to prioritise the things that I want and need in life... and take responsibility for that. I will stop making my relationships with others the source of my happiness and self esteme, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness.
So this is how I use my life theme of "aloneness" to be build my strengths rather than undermine me! (see previous post)
In the last two rounds of 12wbt the biggest challenge for me has been holding on to my commitment to the program in the face of "inconveniencing" others. My family are here and cooking - so I tell myself I don't want to put them out by making them either eat my food or have a separate meal to me. My friends are eating out and I tell myself its rude not to join in, to eat my own food before I go or not join them for the meal at all. Someone comes to visit and brings or suggests food I shouldn't eat... well it would be rude to say no to a guest, wouldn't it. I go to someone's house and they have deliberately prepared something gluten free for me... but its not something I should eat on my diet...you get the picture! Ninety-nine percent of the time the perceived "inconvenience" is in my own mind - no one else has ever expressed annoyance... I do their thinking for them and acquiesce before they have a chance to object.
And I reflect on this theme in the bigger picture and I realise how often I am faced with the choice between going for my own goals or fitting in with something that suits someone else... And I realise how much of my life I have wasted fitting in with what suits others... driven by a deep need to be liked that is stronger then the wish to achieve my own goals in life. And now I notice, as I turn 40, that I feel that I am finally moving away from this thinking. I am disillusioned with working hard to be liked by others, sacrificing my own goals to meet what I think others expect of me. And I am starting to resist... to try and stand up for myself and put myself first.
In making this decision I have to accept that I may end up spending more time alone. And I have to be ok with this. I need to let go of needing to fill my life with other people's approval to feel ok about myself. I can instead find my sense of self worth from the goals that I achieve. And in the end, I think that if I am feeling good about myself and the things I am achieving in my life I will paradoxically be more interesting and likeable to others anyway.
So last year I made a pact with myself that I would listen to my guts and if something didn't feel right then I wouldn't do it. And I have been relatively true to that.
This year I make a pact with myself that I am going to put my own personal goals before pleasing others. Not to the degree that means I neglect their real needs or am uncaring... but I am going to prioritise the things that I want and need in life... and take responsibility for that. I will stop making my relationships with others the source of my happiness and self esteme, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness.
So this is how I use my life theme of "aloneness" to be build my strengths rather than undermine me! (see previous post)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I just wanna be great...
So I just wanna be great at something...
Is it too much to ask?
I have been searching, for all of my adult life and for a fairly large proportion of my teenage life, for the thing that I can be great at.
I always thought I would do something that would make the world a better place and yet here I am... turning 40... running statistical reports and dreaming of being great at something.
I guess I should stop dreaming and just be great at this report.
Sigh.
At some point I may need to stop dreaming about saving the world and just make the best of it because I may never find the something that I am great at.
Not that I am not good at things... I am good at lots of things... just not great.
What do you think?... do I keep searching? or be just be great at being "good" at a bunch of stuff...?
Is it too much to ask?
I have been searching, for all of my adult life and for a fairly large proportion of my teenage life, for the thing that I can be great at.
I always thought I would do something that would make the world a better place and yet here I am... turning 40... running statistical reports and dreaming of being great at something.
I guess I should stop dreaming and just be great at this report.
Sigh.
At some point I may need to stop dreaming about saving the world and just make the best of it because I may never find the something that I am great at.
Not that I am not good at things... I am good at lots of things... just not great.
What do you think?... do I keep searching? or be just be great at being "good" at a bunch of stuff...?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm a parent??
I'm loving this line from Suburban Snapshots
"one of those events when you realize that you think like a parent no matter how much you might feel like you just play one on t.v."
most of the time I don't even think about being a parent... i just do it.
some of the time I feel like I am play-acting...
and sometimes I stop and catch my breath and realise I am not just "doing" parenting... I AM a parent.
Its huge.
aloneness
So tonight I had the pleasure of skype chatting with one of my dearest old friends...
She mentioned, in passing, her view of her own life theme in such a moving way... While I processed my reaction to her words... I took a moment to ask myself : what word is my life theme?
And the first thing that came to mind was : Aloneness.
Aloneness is my life theme.
I have experienced it, fought it, avoided it, craved it... I have retreated into and sunk into it. It is the thing that both undoes my sanity and replenishes my spirit - depending on the circumstances. I hate it and I need it.
Love it and Hate it... It is undoubtably a central theme of my life.
So I ask myself... "how can I turn this theme into a strength?"
She mentioned, in passing, her view of her own life theme in such a moving way... While I processed my reaction to her words... I took a moment to ask myself : what word is my life theme?
And the first thing that came to mind was : Aloneness.
Aloneness is my life theme.
I have experienced it, fought it, avoided it, craved it... I have retreated into and sunk into it. It is the thing that both undoes my sanity and replenishes my spirit - depending on the circumstances. I hate it and I need it.
Love it and Hate it... It is undoubtably a central theme of my life.
So I ask myself... "how can I turn this theme into a strength?"
Friday, August 12, 2011
being
In a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet
the only thing we can know for sure is how we feel
the love we have
the fear we hide from
the pain we push away
give it a voice
and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart.
Being Erica
the only thing we can know for sure is how we feel
the love we have
the fear we hide from
the pain we push away
give it a voice
and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart.
Being Erica
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