On post secret this week... This would be one of my secrets... When I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore I keep telling myself "I am a good person, I am a good person"... and I do believe it, no matter now dark I feel.... I know I am a good person.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
post secrets...
On post secret this week... This would be one of my secrets... When I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore I keep telling myself "I am a good person, I am a good person"... and I do believe it, no matter now dark I feel.... I know I am a good person.
who comes first?
The title of this week's email for the 12 week body transformation program is "who comes first, you or them?" and this hits the nail on the head for me.
In the last two rounds of 12wbt the biggest challenge for me has been holding on to my commitment to the program in the face of "inconveniencing" others. My family are here and cooking - so I tell myself I don't want to put them out by making them either eat my food or have a separate meal to me. My friends are eating out and I tell myself its rude not to join in, to eat my own food before I go or not join them for the meal at all. Someone comes to visit and brings or suggests food I shouldn't eat... well it would be rude to say no to a guest, wouldn't it. I go to someone's house and they have deliberately prepared something gluten free for me... but its not something I should eat on my diet...you get the picture! Ninety-nine percent of the time the perceived "inconvenience" is in my own mind - no one else has ever expressed annoyance... I do their thinking for them and acquiesce before they have a chance to object.
And I reflect on this theme in the bigger picture and I realise how often I am faced with the choice between going for my own goals or fitting in with something that suits someone else... And I realise how much of my life I have wasted fitting in with what suits others... driven by a deep need to be liked that is stronger then the wish to achieve my own goals in life. And now I notice, as I turn 40, that I feel that I am finally moving away from this thinking. I am disillusioned with working hard to be liked by others, sacrificing my own goals to meet what I think others expect of me. And I am starting to resist... to try and stand up for myself and put myself first.
In making this decision I have to accept that I may end up spending more time alone. And I have to be ok with this. I need to let go of needing to fill my life with other people's approval to feel ok about myself. I can instead find my sense of self worth from the goals that I achieve. And in the end, I think that if I am feeling good about myself and the things I am achieving in my life I will paradoxically be more interesting and likeable to others anyway.
So last year I made a pact with myself that I would listen to my guts and if something didn't feel right then I wouldn't do it. And I have been relatively true to that.
This year I make a pact with myself that I am going to put my own personal goals before pleasing others. Not to the degree that means I neglect their real needs or am uncaring... but I am going to prioritise the things that I want and need in life... and take responsibility for that. I will stop making my relationships with others the source of my happiness and self esteme, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness.
So this is how I use my life theme of "aloneness" to be build my strengths rather than undermine me! (see previous post)
In the last two rounds of 12wbt the biggest challenge for me has been holding on to my commitment to the program in the face of "inconveniencing" others. My family are here and cooking - so I tell myself I don't want to put them out by making them either eat my food or have a separate meal to me. My friends are eating out and I tell myself its rude not to join in, to eat my own food before I go or not join them for the meal at all. Someone comes to visit and brings or suggests food I shouldn't eat... well it would be rude to say no to a guest, wouldn't it. I go to someone's house and they have deliberately prepared something gluten free for me... but its not something I should eat on my diet...you get the picture! Ninety-nine percent of the time the perceived "inconvenience" is in my own mind - no one else has ever expressed annoyance... I do their thinking for them and acquiesce before they have a chance to object.
And I reflect on this theme in the bigger picture and I realise how often I am faced with the choice between going for my own goals or fitting in with something that suits someone else... And I realise how much of my life I have wasted fitting in with what suits others... driven by a deep need to be liked that is stronger then the wish to achieve my own goals in life. And now I notice, as I turn 40, that I feel that I am finally moving away from this thinking. I am disillusioned with working hard to be liked by others, sacrificing my own goals to meet what I think others expect of me. And I am starting to resist... to try and stand up for myself and put myself first.
In making this decision I have to accept that I may end up spending more time alone. And I have to be ok with this. I need to let go of needing to fill my life with other people's approval to feel ok about myself. I can instead find my sense of self worth from the goals that I achieve. And in the end, I think that if I am feeling good about myself and the things I am achieving in my life I will paradoxically be more interesting and likeable to others anyway.
So last year I made a pact with myself that I would listen to my guts and if something didn't feel right then I wouldn't do it. And I have been relatively true to that.
This year I make a pact with myself that I am going to put my own personal goals before pleasing others. Not to the degree that means I neglect their real needs or am uncaring... but I am going to prioritise the things that I want and need in life... and take responsibility for that. I will stop making my relationships with others the source of my happiness and self esteme, and start taking responsibility for my own happiness.
So this is how I use my life theme of "aloneness" to be build my strengths rather than undermine me! (see previous post)
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I just wanna be great...
So I just wanna be great at something...
Is it too much to ask?
I have been searching, for all of my adult life and for a fairly large proportion of my teenage life, for the thing that I can be great at.
I always thought I would do something that would make the world a better place and yet here I am... turning 40... running statistical reports and dreaming of being great at something.
I guess I should stop dreaming and just be great at this report.
Sigh.
At some point I may need to stop dreaming about saving the world and just make the best of it because I may never find the something that I am great at.
Not that I am not good at things... I am good at lots of things... just not great.
What do you think?... do I keep searching? or be just be great at being "good" at a bunch of stuff...?
Is it too much to ask?
I have been searching, for all of my adult life and for a fairly large proportion of my teenage life, for the thing that I can be great at.
I always thought I would do something that would make the world a better place and yet here I am... turning 40... running statistical reports and dreaming of being great at something.
I guess I should stop dreaming and just be great at this report.
Sigh.
At some point I may need to stop dreaming about saving the world and just make the best of it because I may never find the something that I am great at.
Not that I am not good at things... I am good at lots of things... just not great.
What do you think?... do I keep searching? or be just be great at being "good" at a bunch of stuff...?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm a parent??
I'm loving this line from Suburban Snapshots
"one of those events when you realize that you think like a parent no matter how much you might feel like you just play one on t.v."
most of the time I don't even think about being a parent... i just do it.
some of the time I feel like I am play-acting...
and sometimes I stop and catch my breath and realise I am not just "doing" parenting... I AM a parent.
Its huge.
aloneness
So tonight I had the pleasure of skype chatting with one of my dearest old friends...
She mentioned, in passing, her view of her own life theme in such a moving way... While I processed my reaction to her words... I took a moment to ask myself : what word is my life theme?
And the first thing that came to mind was : Aloneness.
Aloneness is my life theme.
I have experienced it, fought it, avoided it, craved it... I have retreated into and sunk into it. It is the thing that both undoes my sanity and replenishes my spirit - depending on the circumstances. I hate it and I need it.
Love it and Hate it... It is undoubtably a central theme of my life.
So I ask myself... "how can I turn this theme into a strength?"
She mentioned, in passing, her view of her own life theme in such a moving way... While I processed my reaction to her words... I took a moment to ask myself : what word is my life theme?
And the first thing that came to mind was : Aloneness.
Aloneness is my life theme.
I have experienced it, fought it, avoided it, craved it... I have retreated into and sunk into it. It is the thing that both undoes my sanity and replenishes my spirit - depending on the circumstances. I hate it and I need it.
Love it and Hate it... It is undoubtably a central theme of my life.
So I ask myself... "how can I turn this theme into a strength?"
Friday, August 12, 2011
being
In a world that constantly shifts beneath our feet
the only thing we can know for sure is how we feel
the love we have
the fear we hide from
the pain we push away
give it a voice
and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart.
Being Erica
the only thing we can know for sure is how we feel
the love we have
the fear we hide from
the pain we push away
give it a voice
and the rewards are peace of mind and a peaceful heart.
Being Erica
the rotunda of resistence
So I have noticed that my child seems to need to resist authority. Heaven alone knows where she gets this from!? (shuddup you, and you too... you know who you are....)
So there are battles she chooses. Trust me, she very rarely wins. Its been a stretch but this passive people-pleasing wanna-be-liked aquarian has found her inner mule and I WILL WIN damn it...
And I am more able to step back from the fight and let frustration and exasperation flow around me because I have seen the pattern now. It will not last for long... She rotates the battles.
One week its eating... tightly squeezed lips determinately stare down the spoon... No No No I will not eat.... Ok child, starve then.
The next week... its bathing. No No No I will not have a bath or a shower.... Right, stand her in the shower screaming her lungs out while I hold her down and spray water over her once, and the next night she gives in much more easily! (Dear Child Safety Services - really, its just noise, she is not genuinely injured, it is only her pride that is bruised... really!)
The next week its dressing.... No No No I will not take my pj's off, take my clothes off, put my pj's on, put my clothes on... little arms fused to sides... little legs straight and kicking....
Once again... holding her down and a few trips to time out later and mummy wins again.
Thank heavens I am still bigger and stronger.
And trust me - I know how to negotiate... I explain logically, I bribe, I cajole, I order... and then I disengage from the argument and apply appropriate consequences. I get the job done.
And then its back on the rotunda for the next target of resistance.
Its a damn good thing she is cute!
So there are battles she chooses. Trust me, she very rarely wins. Its been a stretch but this passive people-pleasing wanna-be-liked aquarian has found her inner mule and I WILL WIN damn it...
And I am more able to step back from the fight and let frustration and exasperation flow around me because I have seen the pattern now. It will not last for long... She rotates the battles.
One week its eating... tightly squeezed lips determinately stare down the spoon... No No No I will not eat.... Ok child, starve then.
The next week... its bathing. No No No I will not have a bath or a shower.... Right, stand her in the shower screaming her lungs out while I hold her down and spray water over her once, and the next night she gives in much more easily! (Dear Child Safety Services - really, its just noise, she is not genuinely injured, it is only her pride that is bruised... really!)
The next week its dressing.... No No No I will not take my pj's off, take my clothes off, put my pj's on, put my clothes on... little arms fused to sides... little legs straight and kicking....
Once again... holding her down and a few trips to time out later and mummy wins again.
Thank heavens I am still bigger and stronger.
And trust me - I know how to negotiate... I explain logically, I bribe, I cajole, I order... and then I disengage from the argument and apply appropriate consequences. I get the job done.
And then its back on the rotunda for the next target of resistance.
Tick Tick Tick
Its August.
I leave for Fiji in January.
Oh god.
I have five full months.
Well actually I plan to go over in January for a couple of weeks, find a house, car, nanny etc and come back for my 40th at the end of January... before leaving for real mid February.
My littlest bestie will be born in early Feb and as I listen to the stories of his growth I cannot help but reflect that as we speed towards his entering this little happy Brisbane world, we also speed inexorably towards my time for leaving it.
I know I have been through it all in my head at length... I know its the right thing to do... but still I am nervous and I want the time to go slowly. I want to milk the essence of every moment here in this little enjoyable life before I head off into the unknown.
Time ticks on... and on....
placentally wrong...
So I have long had a morbid and horrified fascination for the things that people do with placentas. Ever since the strict vegetarian in my baby yoga class proudly announced that she stir-fried hers with chinese greens and it was "delicious", I have watched out for placental anecdotes with a slightly stronger "disgusted yet can't quite look away" kind of the same reaction as oh, "kids who consume their own poo" stories...
Today, thanks to "Rants from Mommyland" comes the latest gold offering...
At least its cheap!
Today, thanks to "Rants from Mommyland" comes the latest gold offering...
I'm concentrating...
I pride myself on being a pretty verbal person... I know how to string a sentence together, and heaven and my friends know I like a good chat or two. So its no real surprise that my child is handy with a noun.
I love our conversations... she is imaginative, creative in her descriptions of things she observes, logical and entertaining... and sometimes she leaves even me a little lost for words.
Yesterday I politely requested that she come and put on warmer clothes for a promised park outing... She responded "hang on a sec' mummy, I'm concentrating on putting these blocks away"...
"I'm concentrating?" I mean sheesh... the kid is not two and a half yet.
At least I am still bigger and stronger!
Yeah...
I love our conversations... she is imaginative, creative in her descriptions of things she observes, logical and entertaining... and sometimes she leaves even me a little lost for words.
Yesterday I politely requested that she come and put on warmer clothes for a promised park outing... She responded "hang on a sec' mummy, I'm concentrating on putting these blocks away"...
"I'm concentrating?" I mean sheesh... the kid is not two and a half yet.
At least I am still bigger and stronger!
Yeah...
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