baby shark :-)

So I am a girl who believes in not getting sucked into the world of working just for money, who knows being rich doesn't in itself make one happy, who believes that one should work for the good of people and the world, not for ones own indulgences, who tries to rise above superficial consumerism... thats when it comes to work life of course...
when it comes to spending on having a fun diverse comfortable jet setting life ...well, its a bit of another story!
So... if I am to continue to be a poorly paid humanitarian, I must train the child to earn the bucks it seems. Is it too soon to teach her to be a poker shark, do you think? Thanks mel!

no sex pots around here...

So it seems that I am not sexy :-(
This week I read one of those horoscope specials in a magazine in the airport newsagency. Browsing and reading without paying ($8.20 for a magazine???) I read that aquarians are not usually sex objects - rather they give off an air of detached friendliness...Hmmm
It got me thinking...and I had to agree. I don't think I am sexy! I think perhaps once a upon a time, long long ago...in my early 20's I had a sexy stage. But now - I did a bit of a survey of friends and it was confirmed. I am "nice". Gads. Nice. shit.
And I would kind of like to be able to work out how to get myself into some kind of relationship in the future...I'd like find a slightly older bed partner than the one who occasionally finds her way in to my doona at the moment... And how am I to do this if I am not sexy??? By stunning people with my niceness? Bah.
How does one be more sexy? without being tacky I mean... No point in thinking plunging necklines - that is more likely to frighten than attract at the moment. No I think sexy has to be more of an attitude, an air, a poise....
Hmmm
i think i am screwed... way too nice...

ch-ch-ch-changes...

So my little girl is growing up!
Already that little wee fragile newborn has become a strong active happily little girl. She has passed the milestone of first smiles with flying colours and gummy joy... she now will poke her tongue out at you if you do it first...(manners come much later!) and occasionally she will wave too!
And now my little one has discovered standing up... not one to be a wallflower, she seems to think that sitting is highly over-rated when she could be dancing!

“ Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath."

Michael Caine

My Dad

My dad is such a source of learning for me...
He can frustrate me so intensely that I become a person I don't want to be, and behave in ways that I don't want to behave... I can get angry, snappy, ungrateful, cold, ungenerous...
Yet at the same time he can move me in ways that prompt me to be more patient, more understanding, less self focused, more humbled and incredibly grateful.
My dad knows just how to infuriate me, he can be mind-numbingly stubborn and our fights can go on for hours and get nowhere... yet he also quietly and unassumingly does a hundred little (and big) things to show his love. These hundred little things can get swept away in a bitter wave of frustration with the more annoying of his little habits...but when I step back to see the big picture - the little habits pale into insignificance in the brightness of his good heart.
My mum is an angel of generosity, working tirelessly to look after me, my baby, and my dad. She is funny and charming and almost endlessly patient. And while she drives me mad sometimes... its easy to admire my mum, to hug her and thank her for being so wonderful... Yet one of her fantastic traits is also that she is able, a lot of the time, to look beyond dad's behavioural eccentricities to see the warm and vulnerable heart beneath.
Sometimes I forget to look beyond. Sometimes I react and treat him as though the surface annoyances are all there are. Sometimes I don't show him that I remember the good stuff too...
So I want to remind myself to take the time to remember all the good bits, and to let the incredibly generosity of my dad's heart balance the times when he seems small minded in his actions... to remember the countless times that his advice has been invaluable in the moments when I find his opinions so disagreeable... to recall the thousand incredibly wonderful things he has done for me in the times when he does things that drive me mad.
My dad has given up his home for weeks and weeks to come and live with me and support me with my baby... this has given me the courage to know that can cope with being a mum.
My dad brings me cups of tea in bed in the mornings and asks how my night was and how the baby is today... this makes me know that no matter how hard it has been - I am not alone.
My dad spent hours, without his proper tools, building me a table for the baby bath so that he could surprise me with it on my birthday. He then went on to build everything else I needed, to put in hooks where I wanted them, to work every day to make the things I think I need.
My dad gives me large amounts of his hard earned money...striving to make sure that his impulsive head strong and often impractical daughter will always be safe and secure.
My dad knew that despite my best intentions I was unlikely to be able to find the time and energy to build the veggie garden I wanted - so he did it for me, digging for hours in the mucky compost, pulling out weeds, building garden beds... even though he didn't think I would find the time and energy to look after it and he would probably have to do that too.
My dad nursed my sick herbs back to life and every time I bring home new ones, I turn my back and he pots them with care before I have time to notice...
My dad sits and plays with my baby daughter for hours so that I can shower, dress, do other things... even when he would like to do other things... my dad smiles his private soft smile for her, and shows his private soft side to make her giggle, and calms her when she is distressed.
My dad sits quietly out of the way when I talk away to everyone else... not interrupting... giving space...
My dad rubs my neck when I ask him, or cracks my back when it is sore
My dad is attentive and notices that I need a drink when I am breast feeding, so he brings me one when I have forgotten
My dad nags me about my health and my diet and whether I have exercised today... not because he wants to make me feel bad (which is sometimes how I react) but because he cares
My dad knows a lot of stuff about how to do stuff, having spent a life time working it out for himself. He loves offering advice and help, but he also gets hurt when people get annoyed at him for it... so often he stays quiet for fear of offending people without meaning to. He would love to be respected for his knowledge but he has learned not to push it - except with his family who will love him anyway.
My dad desperately wants to make the right choices so he spends weeks obsessing about doing the right thing eg choosing paint colours for the house. He doesn't understand why other people don't seem to care as much as he does...
My dad gets in and gets things done. He notices what needs doing, and quietly, in his own world and his own way, goes about getting them done.
My dad hates being wrong... and will only go down fighting when he is.
My dad tries his best and takes it to heart when he is found to have fallen short of expectations...he finds it really hard to admit this to others because he hates to admit it to himself.
My dad would be more generous, more sharing of his knowledge and skills, more open and warm if only people would accept him as he is and take what he offers in the spirit it is intended... but he doesn't always know how to get his message across in a way that people will be open to.
I could go on and on but I won't because I have achieved what I wanted, I have reminded myself to look for the person behind the behaviour, to remember the motivation behind the action, to look for the good and to appreciate the wonderful.
Thanks Dad...

thinking big to be little

So I have joined a Gym. I debated with myself for at least a whole day about whether or not this was a good idea... $600 is a big hole in the single parent on unpaid maternity leave budget... I was torn between two views. On one hand I really should go to the gym to lose the 10kg I need to lose to get to my desired post pregnancy size and prevent myself from having to once again buy a whole new wardrobe. Oh and there are the health benefits of course, and if I am not going to develop Type 2 Diabetes for real I really need to keep my weight under control. So the $600 is an investment in my health, and the fact that I can barely afford it should be a good motivator to make the most of it.
On the other hand - its a huge waste of money if I don't get motivated to go regularly - and perhaps I should be realistic about how challenging it will be as a new mum, once my parents return to their home, to actually get to the gym on a regular basis (even though they have child care in the mornings)... This is the view that others impressed upon me - implying that I had wasted my money as I was most unlikely to actually get value from it.
In reflecting on this however... I realised that to not take out the membership was to accept in advance that I am most likely to be slack, so to not give myself the chance to be different. In the end I decided that it was worth it to me to invest $600 in my positive potential, rather than to save the money and allow myself to wallow in excuses of "realism".
And this brings to mind a recent discussion with a friend about the new female CEO of Westpac. This woman managed to work as a bank teller, have a toddler and triplets, and do an MBA... and to continue to rise through the ranks until she is now arguably one of Australia's most successful women. I wonder how many well meaning people said to her "hey - you have triplets and a toddler, give yourself a break...don't try and do an MBA... give up work... don't take that promotion...be realistic about what you can acheive...." And what would have happened if she had listened, had dropped her expectations, had opted for an easier life... would she be happier? she certainly wouldn't be the first female CEO of Westpac.
And I think of myself - how often I limit myself from "doing too much" - not because I want to but because of the well meaning advice of others ringing in my ears. I admit - I am fairly disorganised and can be unmotivated, vague and a time waster... but I also tend to work to the limits I set myself - if I think its too hard, unrealistic, then I don't manage it. If believe in myself and my ability to do more, achieve more, take on more - then I may get stressed at times but at the end of the week I feel proud of what I have acheived. Rather than feeling relaxed, I feel empowered.
So I am adjusting my focus again - towards assuming that I CAN do things until proven otherwise, rather than assuming it will be too hard and cutting myself off at the pass.
So I joined the gym. I am not going to listen to my well meaning friends who tell me to give myself a break, I have just had a baby blah blah... I am going to get there as often as I can.
I am also for uni again this semester, I have started a vegie garden as I had planned, and am considering going back to work one day a week before the end of the 6 months I had taken off. I may get stressed at times, I may get tired at times... but I will moving forward, achieving...

smiles!

they make it all worth it!

tired!

I dream of sleeping...
When awake I find myself randomly fantasising about 8 solid hours of sleep...
And I have a wonderful child who sleeps for 1-4 hours at a time... I pity the people whose babies don't sleep more than half an hour - I think it must induce insanity!
I find that sleep deprivation makes me feel like I am made of egg shell or paper stretched over a frame... I am more fragile... moving through life as though everything is normal. yet easily buffeted by the little things. Moods consume me more. Things seem more serious. Irrational moments of dismay crop up here and there for no reason. I forget where I am going, what I am doing, or what I was looking for...
Recently I needed to go to the bottle shop at Ashgrove Coles to get some wine that was on special for my dad. I got in the car thinking "Ashgrove Coles" . I imagined how to get there, planned my route and how long it would take... I drove off, parked in the shopping centre car park, got out and walked up to the bottle shop... and standing outside I suddenly realised I was at Paddington Woolworths. I went back to the car, got in and drove to Ashgrove Coles....

So yawn away little one... I know the feeling!

thanks mum and dad!

So I am very lucky really... I can tell how very difficult being a single mum must be... so far however, I have had an incredible support team, and indi has been surrounded by loving arms always happy to be there for a cuddle or a burp... Dad is the hiccup whisperer and mum the burp queen...

Love is made not found

So my little girl is growing and changing...she is moving from inanimate doll, sleeping and eating and not responding to the world much.... to animated little girl. She smiles and makes eye contact and gazes at interesting objects. She also voices her wants and needs in no uncertain terms :-)
As she interacts more I find myself getting to know her more... and as this happens I find I am starting to feel the layers of love that felt missing in the early days. I had expected to feel a deep and strong love for her right away - like a "good" mother should. I was secretly concerned that, while I felt love for her on an unthinking level, after the excitement of the first few days I didn't feel the overwhelming, heart-full, singing inside love that I had imagined... I didn't feel "in love" with her....and I had moments of looking at her and feeling nothing at all.
As she changes however I realise that there is the initial instinctive love that is there just because it needs to be, this is more subtle and transient... and then there is the deeper love that comes from actually getting to know her as a little person...and this is the love that is growing over time. This is the love of knowing this little person intimately, of loving the way she expresses her individuality, of loving the way she becomes her individuality.
Phew.... its a relief!
This fits neatly within my belief that true love is made not found. We don't suddenly meet the person we will love deeply and truly. The special loves in our lives are something we create through effort, through willingness to be open to a person and the richness of who they are, through being prepared to open our lives to another and share our deepest intimacies, through making the effort to observe another person, to really understand them and their world, and through taking the time and creating the space in our hearts to love. We don't just bump into this in the street - we make it happen when we are able, willing and open to it. Special love is baked when all or most of the ingredients are in the bowl...not picked up off the shelf pre-packaged. Deep love is not heat and eat, it is not microwavable, and we cannot dial for home delivery :-) This is what I think... and it gives me hope because I don't have to wait for the perfect dish to be served to me... I am the cook. :-)

mums in the park...

So I am attempting to organise a bit of a mothers group for lesbians... Having discovered that Brisbane does not boast a lesbian mothers forum, nor a single mothers group... that I can find... I, being a good aquarian, decided to try and do something about it.
I did, of course, watch the series of ever opening and closing lesbian venues in sydney.... I have ventured to lesbian venues in brisbane and listened to the oft-moan that lesbians never do anything, go out, support new things... but hey - I decided to give it a go anyway :-)
Hmmmm - the only thing harder than getting a group of lesbians to turn up in the same place at the same time? Trying to get a showing from a group of lesbians with children!
Many thanks to the wonderful women who did come, and to the one who was not already my friend, but is now :-)

booby trapped

So how do you explain breast feeding to a 3 year old?? Especially one who was not breast fed...
Little Princess understood perfectly that when the baby cried she was hungry. Being a sweet generous soul, LP kindly offered to share her pasta... No Pasta? Hmmm only milk... OK but will she get ice cream if she eats all her milk? Sympathetic eyes opened wide at the idea that the baby is too little for dessert... and then it comes...
"Ok, so where is the baby's bottle?"
AH... and I am stumped.... Help! I cry to LP's mum, but she handballs it straight back to me... "Ah, right, well... you see the baby doesn't have a bottle, she drinks milk from me" I say, gesturing vaguely in the direction of my chest.
"Why does the baby drink milk out of your tummy? Is the baby's bottle in your tummy?" queries LP...logically enough...
"Hmmm well... um... babies drink milk from their mummy's boobies" I splutter, throwing caution to the wind and prompting a great deal of consternation, and the need for very close inspection of this strange phenomenon....
The next time I see Little Princess I am confronted... "Rhianon", she announces firmly, "I went and looked at the babies at my school (day care) and THEY don't drink milk from boobies...they have bottles!"
(crap!)
"Ah Yes" (thinking fast)...I suppose this is because their mummies are not there with them. They might drink from their mummies boobies when they go home from school"...
Phew, I wipe my brow as this answer satisfies for the moment.
A hidden booby-trap - I wasn't prepared for this one!

Worms in love


:-)

I'm tired...

I've never really been one to believe much in fate or destiny, not in a pop culture sense of the concepts... Nor do I believe that our lives are predetermined, or that our experiences are somehow mystical messages... I am not one that you will find saying such lines as "It happened to me for a reason".
I do believe in karma... but I believe that karma dictates the way we develop as people, the issues we face... things are not "given to us" to teach us lessons - rather we encounter situations and we decide how we will cope and what we will learn from them. In a sense I suppose I see life as a self determining process, and karma as being about the individual and their process of developing personal wisdom..rather than as a "greater than us" external process of an outside being/presence/force who imposes our life experiences upon us.
At the same time as this... I recognise that there are experiences in my life that are more subtle, more complex than I can always understand. There are people in my life with whom I feel a powerful connection that is not logical...it doesn't consciously make sense to me, yet I feel it powerfully. If I were someone who said "it happened for a reason" then I might say that I have a lesson to learn, or there is a special meaning for their place in my life that I am not yet aware of. But that is not me... so instead I will say that there is something about the other that touches something deeper in me...something I don't understand consciously but which drives my conscious ways of relating to them. There is something that I cannot fully understand which gives these relationships extra meaning.
Perhaps one day it will make sense... perhaps I will never understand. But I do know that I cannot fight it with logic, I can only go with my instincts and trust that it all happens for a reason :-)

steps...

My little girl has grown!
I know it happens to us all (except at this time of life we only grow rounder, sadly)...but its such a pleasure, and a bittersweet ache, to see my tiny angel enlarge herself and take up more space in the world.
She has grown out of her little 00000 (5xO) suits and is into 4xO :-)
Her weight has gone from 2.695kg at birth (and dropped to 2.4kg over the next few days) up to 3.470kg :-)
She is chubbing up!
Welcome to life, little one!

thoughts on being a mother #5

I have many thoughts, through the passing moments of the day, about being a mother...
Some are about the practicalities and logistics
Some are about the things I give up and what I potentially gain in return
Some are about how I, in accepting my parents support and kindness, become like a child again in the process of having my own child
Some are about the future...what lies ahead...
Some are about the past....what I leave behind and how I got here...

And then there are moments that are just about being completely, peacefully, gently, in the moment... moments that are quietly, wordlessly, just about a feeling.
And these moments are simply beautiful.

today i am grateful

Today I am grateful...
Yesterday was mothers day...
Yesterday I spend a lovely relaxed day with my mum and my dad and my daughter...
Yesterday I celebrated my first mothers day as a mother of a beautiful little girl...
Yesterday we ate yummy food in the sunshine and enjoyed being a family, together, happy.
Today I found out that yesterday a friend who is a mother lost her daughter.
Today I found out that yesterday a friend who was a daughter was killed.
Yesterday a friend was riding her bike home to her new husband...
Yesterday a long distance truck driver was not spending mothers day with his family, was sleepy and hit my friend so hard her body was thrown off the road and onto the railway tracks below.
Today I found out.
Yesterday my friend who was a daughter of a friend was killed on mothers day...
Yesterday my friend became someone who's daughter was killed on mothers day.
Today I feel so grateful, grateful for this moment of life, grateful for the people I love who are alive, grateful for another day, another year, another mothers day.

love story

and this is just gorgeous....


Signs (video)


(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy0HNWto0UY)

Ain't love grand!

the kind of love....

The kind of love I want... don't we all?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5WgmbMW7Ek

dream cycle

This morning as I slept I heard Indi waking, grunting, winging... And because I didn't want to wake up I kept dreaming that I was getting up to get her... and then I would drift back into sleep...and she would grunt again and I would half wake, shocked, thinking I had already gotten up and picked her up. Surprised to find myself in bed I would panic for a moment, searching for her under the bed clothes, worried I had suffocated her under the doona... and then I would realise that I didn't have her, that she was still in her bed, that I had only dreamed getting up and picking her up... and then I would drift back to sleep...and she would grunt again and I would dream I was getting up to her... and so on! I must have gone through this cycle at least four times before I finally actually woke up and picked her up.
I guess I was very tired!

he he

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in another persons shoes..Not only will you have their shoes, you will be a mile away from them.

not my sentiments but I saw this on a friends facebook and thought it was hilarious... of course it is 5am... so I could be delirious :-)

thoughts on being a mother #4

So recently I was chatting with a good friend and she told me that I needed to "get a life"...
I assume she was joking...I bloody hope so! I repeatedly remind myself that it is only 3 weeks since I gave birth...(breath...chant - only three weeks...breath...) But she was referring to the need for me to find a way to converse for more than 10 minutes without talking about my boobs, breast feeding, or baby puke. And it struck a cord.
This is my fear... like the majority of new mothers I suppose... that my life will narrow to the degree that I won't have anything to talk about other than my child's latest adventure with body fluids.
I guess that some people are happy being obsessed with motherhood and their babies... I guess that if I was completely loving being a mother, if I was high on the bliss of it all, I might not mind being single mindedly focussed on one thing ... I wouldn't mind having not much else in life to talk about or think about. I'm torn because on the one hand I know that I want to focus just on her, that this is what she needs, and I feel terribly guilty when I am distracted from her needs and she suffers in any way. I'm torn because I wanted to be a mother who was able to make my child the centre of my life. My mother did that for me... I am trying...but I wish my heart was singing more about it.
I love her dearly - there is no doubt about that. At times her little face fills me with tenderness... and moments like sitting in bed with her sleeping on my lap in the morning sun feel like paper thin preciousness - so fragile, so quick to pass by, and so translucently joyful...
But at the same time... I am struggling to adjust to the demands and the hard work side of it all... Its not so much the physical demands, although its tiring I can manage that...its the emotional and mental demand to be constantly available, to care for her consistently, to think of her constantly...to be present and there for her whenever she needs me. I know, you don't get the good without the bad as well...but I have moments that I regret.
Some nights I lie in bed and hear her wake and subconsciously I refuse to fully wake up... I sometimes let her go until she is really insistent and starts to get distressed, and then I can finally force myself to properly wake and get up to her. And I feel terribly guilty because I imagine how awful it must be to lie in bed hungry and not be able to do anything about it...and not understand why it is happening... But each night I am starting to dread getting up to feed her more and more. I go to bed with a sinking feeling that I have to do another night...and the knowledge that this is going to go on for months yet!
I feed her from my breasts and I expected that I would love the feeling - that it would be warm and intimate and a gorgeous connection with my child...and for the first couple of weeks it was...but the joy has faded. I could not have anticipated just how physically and emotionally draining breastfeeding feels.... I don't resent feeding my child per say, but my breasts are starting to resent that they have to do it! My nipples hurt, my breasts are heavy and part of my feeling enormous all over, I have milk leaking all over me at times, especially at night... and more than that it feels psychologically very much a giving of myself to her - rather than simply feeding her.
I consider myself a very generous and giving person... and yet I realise that I am most happy to give when I feel like I am making a choice to do so... and more than resenting the giving I feel trapped by the sense of obligation to give... I made a choice to have a child, and now and forever more I must live up to that choice by giving of myself without choice.
I guess that part of the issue is that I don't get a lot back from her yet - its a bit of a one way street really... as it should be - but I hope and pray that when she is able to look at me and smile, cuddle me with affection, tell me she loves me, play games with me etc then I will start to feel more fulfilled. I guess I also need to start to build in things in my life which give back to me - which are fulfilling to me. As I start to develop a routine of my own I will also start to achieve things which give me a sense of reinforcement for myself... I find myself craving a relationship, and I know that this is also about having someone who will give back to me in an intimate way. I have so much support from my family and friends...especially my mum and dad who work constantly to give to me at the moment...and I consider myself incredibly blessed and lucky... what I crave in the wee hours though is a sense of refilling my tanks on a more intimate level. I guess that this is part of why people parent as couples!
I know that this is not unique to me... I imagine almost all new mothers go through times of resenting the demands their child makes on them... I don't blog about it thinking that I am sharing anything profound... but it helps to get it off my chest. Its not something I feel I can have a conversation with people about because I know that its not rational and I don't need logical reassurance... I just need to acknowledge it for myself. I feel a bit lighter already.

And do know that while I have times of feeling down and drained and that things are not quite as I had hoped...while I know that I expected it to be hard but its not something that I could have understood until I experienced it... I do also very much know that I am unbelievably blessed, fortunate, and lucky in a way that is rare and very precious. I keep reminding myself of this....
(and breathing....)

Little angel is finding her voice... no longer the merry chirping little bird...she has learned to voice her discontent in no uncertain terms!

thoughts on being a mother #3

So tonight I cannot quite believe that this perfect little person, this little angel child came from me...
Her cells were made from my cells... her body from my body...
Such a miracle.

thoughts on being a mother #2

So last night I lay in bed... it was cold out in the room, and I was warm and comfortable under my doona. I had only been asleep for an hour before grunty snuffleupagus started up again... grunt, grumble, grunt...pause.... grunt grunt... pause... I know from experience that her eyes are closed but she is starting to be aware that she is hungry... And it struck me... this is not just a temporary thing... I am going to feeding this child for months and months... and then of course my thinking flowed on... I am going to be looking after this child's needs for a long long time... I am responsible for this child for the rest of my life!
Wow...
As is, I am sure, quite normal...the feelings I have for her and about being a mother are not consistent. Sometimes I look at her and my heart melts and I feel full of warm mooshy chocolate fudge feelings...Sometimes I look at her and feel nothing. Sometimes I care for her out of duty...Sometimes I almost (but not quite) resent having to get out of bed and offer my breasts to her, yet again... Sometimes an expression of discomfort on her face will move me to tears. Sometimes I am so full of joy at how incredibly lucky I am, and can't imagine doing anything else...Sometimes I already find I miss my old life a bit...
And I suppose that all I can do is roll with it... surf the waves of the different feelings evoked by this all consuming process... and trust that overall the balance is strongly weighted towards love. I am sure that when she smiles at me for the first time the moments of feeling slightly overwhelmed will all be worth it!

thoughts on being a mother #1

So here I sit... my child lies sleeping restlessly in her bassinet beside me... the tinkle of children's sleep music drifts across the room as I condition her to drift off whenever this music is played... she grunts occasionally, a guttural and indelicate but decidedly cute sound, but stays in dream land.
A few minutes ago I held her in my arms in the dim light of my room... and I soothed her... and I gazed at her little face and tried to get my head around the fact that she is my daughter...for life she will be my daughter... this journey that is my life will, from now, be lived as two not a solo flight...
This is a huge change for me...the independent aquarian who is used to being answerable to no-one, doing things "my way"... being impulsive at times, being withdrawn into myself at times, being adventurous as the whim takes me... Now I must always think of her...her needs, her wishes, her goals...
I tried to imagine the moments that lie ahead...the first time she calls me "mummy", the first time I sit in a school hall to watch her in a concert, the moments when I pick her up from school and she runs to me full of stories of her day, the first time she skins her knee or has a bad dream and cries for her mummy...and thousands more... this is now me - my life.
I have imagined it for so long that now that it is here it still feels unreal - like I am still imagining it, dreaming about it... like one day I will wake up and she will not be here and I will realise it was all a day dream that was so vivid it felt real.
I know its real, and I don't know its real... at the same time.
I have been so extremely well supported that I have not had a shock moment of realisation of the hard reality of being a parent...I have been so lucky that it has all seemed easy so far - too easy perhaps... maybe that is why I am taking time to get my head into the reality of it.
And at the same time it feels so natural and like I am doing the thing I was born to do... there has not been a harsh transition into the role of mother... I have just slipped into it like a comfortable old jacket. And so perhaps what I mistake for a sense of unreality is actually more of a sense of comfort in the new reality - perhaps it is the strangeness that is missing...
Only time will tell how my head and heart will deal with what is a fundamental core life change, the realisation of my life's dreams, and at the same time - just simple and beautiful.
:-)

my baby is a genius

With my tongue firmly pressed to my cheek wall I pronounce with glee that my baby is a genius :-) At only 16 days old she is already well ahead of her developmental milestones... She can already roll from her tummy onto her back - and babies are not supposed to be able to do that until around 4 months I believe... and she can reach up and hit her hanging toys and make them move... again - not expected until months down the track... Indi spent a happy half hour making those toys dance!
Of course I expect that she will crawl in the next couple of weeks, be walking in no time... be talking around the same time as she sings her first operetta... and be enrolled in medicine by primary school age! I have decided that she is going to be the head of medicine sans frontier prior to giving me adorable clever grandchildren... so she had better get a wiggle on!
:-)

pics

Most precious delicate little one...
She changes moment to moment, from one feed to the next she is more alert, more engaged, more involved in the sensations of life...
Today she discovered she can suck her own thumb!
Each moment is so precious, to be held, savoured, treasured, remembered.... the 700 odd photos so far will help!
These are just a couple that I like :-)

first steps

so I have not written since my dear little Indigo was born... I have started a few times and not gotten far. I think in my mind this is such a momentus, huge, amazing event that I have been thinking that it needed and deserved a big and very meaningful blog entry...
But of course I have not had the time or headspace to do a big colourful and detailed entry...much as I would love to.
So in the end lets settle for a short post just to get the ball rolling...

So please join me in welcoming the gorgeous ms Indigo Rose!

Songs for Indigo

So I have been making a compilation of Songs for Indigo...
All suggestions welcome!
So far it starts out boppy and fun and then gets sleepier as it goes along...
So far it is :

Jungle drum by Emiliana Torrini
Bubbly by Colby Calliat
Indigo by Moloko
You're beautiful by James Blunt... (this one has the word "fucking" in it once...but I will hum over that!)
I'm Yours by Jason Moraz
Ice cream by Sarah McLachlan
Lovin U by Alicia Keys
Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall
Imagine by Alison Crow (a live cover of the John Lennon song)
Indigo Girl by Watershed (so cute!)
Saving Grace by Pete Murray
Butterflies by Alicia Keys
You've got a friend by Carol King
Wild Child by Enya
You are so beautiful by Louis Armstrong
Warm ways by Fleetwood Mac
My Darling Child by Sinead O'Conner
Goodnight my love by Sarah Vaughan
All the pretty horses by Olivia Newton John
The Indigo by Yaruma (a gorgeous instrumental)
In the still of the evening by Jay Rose


Of course its much more important to do this than to tidy my papers and do work... :-)

my last day alone

So today was my last day alone for a long time...
Tomorrow my family arrive, on monday my dear friend flies in, on tuesday another dear friend arrives... and on Wednesday... my child arrives. No longer will I feel the quiet sense of aloneness as I sip my morning cup of tea. I anticipate, realistically I am told, that from now on my mind will always wrap itself around the consciousness of the two of us, rather than just me.
So I sat for quite a while... sipping tea... listening to the breeze, listening to the rain, watching the trees from my balcony... just being....Savouring the moment... the end of my old life, and the threshhold of the new.
:-)

numb

Is my life really changing forever? Somehow I just cannot get my head around the fact that in a mere 7 days and 12 hours I will be signing into an operating theatre to do the act that will forever transform me, my life, my family... and that will create a new person. I know people do it all the time... but I keep going on about it to anyone who will listen in the hope that somewhere in all my ramble a penny will drop and it will, by some miracle, feel real. It really is a phenomenal thing. Perhaps its best to stay numb. Perhaps the only way to deal with the reality is to wait until its real and just have to cope with it then.... Perhaps something fundamental in me will be born at the same time, a new aspect of self that incorporates being a mother (??) and having the full time care of a little person for years to come.
I don't feel ready at all.
So I guess my only choice is to keep sticking my fingers in my ears, singing la la la, and waiting for the big burp that will reveal that all of this was really just a bad case of indigestion.
:-)
la la la... la la la.....
sheesh.

family

Over the weekend I spent time with my dear friend and her family... and I realised all over again how very important a sense of family is to me. This may seem ironic given that people tell me I am about to become a family... but family is more than just a mother and child.... family is something richer and deeper than a bond between two - it is hard to put into words, but its something about being part of a network, a group...whether born or created... its your "clan" that feels like it will undeniably still be there for you tomorrow, and the next day... and for the foreseeable future. They may drive you mad, they may be imperfect in lots of ways... but they are yours.
I think that, coming from a very very small family of origin, I have spent a lot of my life looking for an extended family... and this weekend I felt both sad and hopeful at the same time. I am experiencing a change in the fabric of a very important relationship in my life - feeling it shift and become something different - something just as valuable, but different.... as I symbolically move into the spare room in the life of my former jigsaw "family"... And with that experience the inevitable sense of loss was none-the-less balanced by a positive feeling of hope. I feel the tangible sense, the taste and texture, of what it is that I want... I have loved what I have experienced of this....and rather than allowing grief to hold me back, or trying to hold on to the past... I instead take with me a sense of optimism. I know what I want... and I believe that I will find it. I don't know when, I don't know how... but I have a deep sense of trust that it will happen. I will have a sense of a family all of my own one day. I just have to be patient.
And in the meantime... my dear friends will be my surrogate family, my foster family... loving no less, being loved no less.... and I am thankful for what I have.

I still believe in love :-)

The final scan

So once, not so long ago, my life was filled with "firsts"... the first scan, the first heart beat, the first movements.... and soon again my life will be themed with firsts... the first feed, the first bath, the first smile, etc etc.... but for now I am in the in between bit - the "lasts".... my last day at work has come and gone... and today was my last scan... the last 4-d glimpse of my baby until I see her for real... not such a clear one. I won't worry about putting up the photos because she charmingly squished her dear little face into my uterus wall and proceeded to lick it, instead of obligingly posing for happy snaps. In the word of the sonographer "gross!" But the good news is that whilst remaining a wee little bubba (currently estimated at 2.2 kg, so possibly about 2.5-2.7 at birth) she is indeed growing happily along her own growth line, all her bits are functioning happily, and she is merrily playing along until the day - in 14 days time - when she is brought forth to take on the big world...
I still find it unfathomable that I am going to be a real life mum in 2 weeks. Its too big for me to get my brain around!
But - in the way of all great events in life, time flows inexorably forth and I will get my head around it when I have to - well, because I just have to!
So... last days will become first days.... and so the cycles of life will go on!
:-)

So I was supposed to let her go....
Her other mother, my ex and dear friend, came up this weekend to get her and take her back to the big city so that I can be free to devote myself to my child... and I couldn't do it.
I've put it off for another month.... in my usual style of thinking I can do anything, I twist ways in my head that I can look after a new baby and a large boistrous dog... but how does one give up on something so dear? Perhaps when I have a new little dear one in my arms it will not seem so hard....

Friendship

I sit...wide awake still at 4 am.... and i ponder a very familiar train of thoughts...what is friendship all about really? When I was younger I took friendship for granted...friends were easily made, embraced, enjoyed... life moved on and new friends were made in a moment... Some old friends lasted through life's movements and some connections didn't last in the sense of a physical connection - but in my mind they were all still friends. Its a very aquarian trait to value friendship above all else, as the most sacred and important thing in life, yet not to attach it to solidity and consistency - to a set person or place or time... Throughout my life when I look back the richness all lies in the friendships I have known...as has the deepest suffering when friendships have gone sour.
As I have become older friendship has troubled me more however... no longer content to roam and fill my senses with the new learning of changing friendships - I find myself looking for more solidity and consistency... and as I have taken on the adventure of being a single parent I have absolutely realised the importance of "building block" style friendship rather than the "flowing river, transient, new adventures around the corner" style friendship that I had been happy with before... now I look to friendships to be carefully built on solid foundations, and to be trustworthy, loyal, consistent... and I realise that this kind of friendship requires great fortitude in coming up against my own fears and insecurities...that it requires great flexibility in overcoming disappointments at times... that it requires one to be both discerning and accepting at the same time.
So I find myself thinking more deeply than I have before, in my 37 years of bouncing around, about just what friendship is all about - what can I expect from it? what should I accept and not accept? what do I need to put into it and what can I hope for in return? how important is it to me really? is it the case that at the end of the day the only person I can really rely on is myself...or can I expect to be able to rely on others if they are true friends? and what does that "relying" look like? when do I let go of it and when do I fight for it? where do I draw the lines between true friends, fair weather friends, situational friends (those whose friendship only really exists in a certain context eg work) and mere acquaintances... with some people it is easy, with others harder, and some seem to swim between categories...
I googled friendship and found the following quote on a page called "the meaning of friendship"... its the closest I have found to something that resonates in its balance of pragmatism and idealism...
And as for me... I will keep on pondering - keep on exploring - keep on experimenting....
Perhaps the trick lies in expecting nothing and thus never being disappointed... but rejoicing in the times that do deliver unexpected moments of joy....

What is friendship? What is the meaning of this relationship? We have often sought answers to these questions, yet we have never come up with an adequate answer. This is because this relationship is an amalgamation of beautiful and complex feelings, which may not often be described in words. Defining a relationship is never easy, as there are so many facets to it. However we don't need a bunch of words to make us realize the deep meaning of friendship.

According to George Elliot "Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words."

This heartwarming expression captures the essence of friendship. When two people share a strong bond of mutual understanding, respect and love it lays the foundation stone for an everlasting friendship. This bond just gets stronger with time; the trust between the two people grows and so does the attachment. This is the beauty of the relationship and is the essential meaning of friendship.

Being friends means being there for each other at all times, whether it's good or bad. A friend needs to be very understanding and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Ideally the meaning of friendship is sharing unconditional love for each other. However this is not an ideal world; therefore some form of expectations are allowed, but that has a limit too. The purpose and meaning of friendship is to make life's burdens lighter for our friends and not make them heavier. The Roman thinker Cicero said "Friendship makes prosperity brighter, while it lightens adversity by sharing its griefs and anxieties."

Searching for the meaning of friendship has always been a burning question. However as soon as we meet our friends all these questions get answered automatically. The answer to what is the meaning of friendship lies within our hearts, because true friendship can only be felt, and not expressed. Something so pure and essential is not always visible to the eye, but is felt by the heart.

my lovely friends celebrating my coming baby!

Canvas painting to create a collage of love :-)

how big does a belly do?

So at 34 weeks....its hard to imagine that if I was going to full term I would still have 6 weeks of growing to go! And its incredible to think that this baby is one of the smallest around... only just in the normal range, but roughly in the bottom 5-10% of babies... my doc has estimated that she might be about 2.5 kgs at birth... not unhealthy, but definately a wee thing!









So I regard my full moon belly with bemusement as I count down the days... 3 weeks and one day until Indigo Rose is in my arms...

Very exciting, surreal, bemusing, terrifying, hard to believe, and incredible all at the same time...

The reality of finishing work this week is big enough to try and wrap my head around - 6 months of no work to go to... the rest I am trusting to the theory that it will all be ok when its real...
:-)

A rose by any other name...

So what do we think of the name Indigo Rose...?

Google tells me that it is, in its diversity, a software company, a belly dancing group, a folky looking singer with long red hair, a supplier of quality cross stitch materials, and a novel by Susan Beth Miller.

The first line of the novel is "There comes a time you've walked so long on a twisted path you forget what you set out looking for and are content just to find your way home"

It also links my child to both of her grandparents in a way... One of our family traditions is that my mother's mother, my mother, and I all wear the same perfume...TeaRose. And my other grandmother's name was Rosa.

So as a name it is this week's hot contender...
Comments welcome!

What's in a name??

My list is getting ever longer and ever further away from any kind of decisiveness!

Indigo
Lily
Claire
Sara
Sophia
Catelyn
Amelie
Chloe
Lucy
Izabella
... and so it goes on....

The roller coaster is almost home!!

So how gorgeous is my little girl???
Oh its been such a roller-coaster ride, this journey of making a person...Today I sit bathed in the sweet scents of relief... Yesterday I soaked in the stress of being told that my dear daughter may have stopped growing properly and need to be birthed early and fed in hospital... a diabetes complication - sometimes the placenta stops working properly. So I was contemplating the idea of giving birth next week... and horrified by floating visual images of tiny little babies in humidi-cribs...
BUT...as has been the way of it so far - the crisis is averted and large sighs of relief echo forth after an emergency scan today revealed that she is absolutely healthy and happy - just small. As the sonographer tactfully pointed out - I am no basketball player... it seems that her "normal" size up until now was possibly due to the accelerated growth associated with diabetes, and now that I have dreaded blood sugars more under control..she is reverting to her own intended genetics :-) She's a wee little cutie just like me!
Personally I think she has inherited my striking resemblance to a shorter version of Angelina :-)

So thank you immensely to all who sent messages and made calls of wonderful support - and especially to my dear friend who blew off an important meeting to come and metaphorically hold my hand during the scan (no actual public affection of course :-) I felt wonderfully cared for and surrounded by positivity.


AND we have a date :-)
Now that we know she is growing ok... its back to the planned cesarean at 38 weeks...
And so we are all booked in - my wee nameless child will be entering the world at 7:30am on Wednesday the 8th April 2009... Yippee! 34 days to go!