No more dancing diva....

So before I was pregnant I blustered to the world and myself that having a child would not really change me so much... I was naively and vocally confident that I could carry on my life as usual... just with the addition of a little person to love :-)
And so in some ways this will be true ... but in many more fundamental ways I am shocked and surprised (this seems to be the theme of my pregnancy!) to discover that I am already changing...
This weekend it hit home more than ever... My dear friends suggested a trip to the pub for a chat, hang out, a drink or two...
Obviously I am not drinking at the moment, but still.... just the thought of going to a pub conjured up an immediate aversive instinct in me! I felt the need to clutch my belly protectively! The idea of being around alcohol and noise, and maybe even smoke made me want to run the other way...
Am I becoming a suburban mum?? Is it just a phase? Is it ok that I would much rather get up early and take a toddler to the park than go out boogying and letting loose? Will I rediscover my inner disco diva in time? Will I have a second or third youth some time in my future... or am I destined to be a soccer mum?? Will a cup of tea always look much more desirable than a cocktail? Or will I rediscover the lost joys of a mohito or two post-gestation...
Somehow my happiness seems much more inner, more peaceful, as I move through this incredible and fundamentally mind altering process....
And I surrender myself, as the only thing I can do, to the flow of change. It seems that despite my best intentions... my life is indeed utterly changing....
:-)
Its not so bad really :-)

Sobering Storms

So I have been working in the emergency services recovery centre for the storm damage in Brisbane... Its been crazy busy... and incredible to experience hands on the very personal sides of something that would otherwise be a vaguely interesting news item... Usually we can only have an intellectual sense of empathy... but sitting listening for hours to person after person describing their losses...feeling close hand the sense of frustration and powerlessness in the face of the destructive force of nature... this time the experience has been much more touching.
And today it was brought even closer to home. I have been incredibly lucky, and have been able to hold on to some of the natural sense of invincibility that most of us live with on a day to day basis....my house has been surrounded by suburbs of damage, but has remained untarnished and unaffected... I have not even lost power. But today we walked to the park at the bottom of my yard. Less than 100 meters from my house the storm had wrecked havoc.
Usually a thriving picnic area, filled with children's screams of happiness and the sizzle of bbq's... this sunday it was like a post-battle scene... too much mud even for a tumble weed in the echoing vista of uprooted trees, old couches, carpets, park benches and driftwood. All the kids toys were coated in mud, and the water had obviously risen to at least two meters above the ground, and around 4 meters above the usual creek level.
Its utterly humbling to think that it was all there on my doorstep, in its awsome and destructive power...

singing her praises...

What a woman....
My dear new best friend was a wee bit concerned about how to fill all her spare hours when she finally agreed to take the christmas term off doing her MBA (because a full time high powered job, a 3 year old to raise and entertain, a large block of land to landscape, a social life and a lengthy list of life goals is clearly not enough to keep her busy...) So... I obligingly gave her a list of things she could do to help me out...I know... I'm all heart :-)
And the nastiest most evil job on the list? Tackling "down the bottom"... At the base of my terraced garden is "down the bottom"... the far reaches of uncharted territory...a land of jungle running free, lost dogs balls and who the hell knows what else. I have not touched it since I moved in... frankly...its scary down there. The dog disappears in there frequently - so far she has always come back, but always carrying a load of foliage and prickles as souvenirs of her travels.
And so it came to pass, that on the hottest day so far this year... my dear BF brought her tools and plunged in.
Its only just beginning... the whipper-snipper promptly fainted in pure terror and refused to come back to the party. But BF is firmly on my pedistal of admiration... :-)

One day I will say this to someone...
I am really looking forward to it :-)




thanks to postsecrets

wriggling and jiggling

Ok so I am huge... from now on that just goes without saying...
My belly is pleasantly rotund :-) If I could stay this size - clearly pregnant but not too unwieldy...I'd be really happy. Alas I know it is not to be...
And I have now hit a double D in the bra department and I just can't face the idea that I am going to get bigger...
So lets think about happier things :-)
So I am testing out a name for my daughter... Sahra Sophia Vichta. ALL COMMENTS WELCOME! It means Princess Wisdom....
And she is a sprightly young thing! She's jumping and turning and poking her bits out at all angles :-) Its still pretty gentle - she still has a bit of room in there to move at the moment...but every so often an avocado protrudes firmly from one area of my belly or another... just popping her head up to say hi! Its the strangest feeling... at once totally natural feeling and completely ridiculously bizarre....
Its all going so very very fast too... I have a sense of trying to hang on to each moment, as it slides so quickly past... trying to drink in all of the sensations... I have a feeling this is what I will feel like for many years to come, as she grows and changes so fast after she is born as well. Seems like there is nothing like being a mother to make you feel that life is lived at break neck speed and must be absorbed with all your might in every moment of every day!
Sahra is now 13 cms from the top of her head to her bum... its pretty big really once you imagine legs added on the end of that! No wonder my belly sticks out!

a vision of self care and change

My dear friend sent me a copy of this... she knew I would love it...

Nov. 5, 2008

Letter from Alice Walker to Obama

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us
being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you
know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history.
But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried,
year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only
to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law,
is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation
is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time,
and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North
America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done.
We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us,
the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this,
that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength.
Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom,
stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope,
previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster
that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible
for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility
that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own
life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and
play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One
gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the
White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the
building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and
stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind
us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family
deserve this fate. One way of thinking about all this is: It is so
bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy,
relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so
many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and
houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can
manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear
to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the
reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people's enemies.
Most damage that others do to us is out of fear , humiliation and
pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us
who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn
actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are
ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are
commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect
our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my
mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought,
"hate the sin, but love the sinner." There must be no more crushing
of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a
means of ruling a people's spirit. This has already happened to
people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this
leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to "work with the enemy" internally is
presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul
as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because,
finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain
a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies,
the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to
mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile,
with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust
characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of
healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and
relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our
way, and brightening the world.

"We are the ones we have been waiting for."

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

what is family?

So I have been thinking for a while about the future of society's relationships... you know, as one does... :-)
They say "as an Aquarian thinks so the world will think in 50 years"... and I have a sense that they world is starting to think differently about relationships.
I have a view of the future that is outside of our past boxes. I sense a movement away from traditional dynamics, routines and patterns... and towards people creating "families" and "relationships" in forms that suit them and their situations. I know that this is not a new idea - its been happening all around us for many years... but recently the awareness has been become more acute to me.
As people become more mobile, love is no longer a picket fence dream. As people become more open to options, love is no longer a traditional "marriage". People are creating odd shaped, bumpy, lumpy, stretched and ultimately workable family units that look vastly different to the mom/pop 2.5 kids jelly mould of former days. Christmases are spent with step parents, half siblings, adopted cousins and same sex aunties. Births are celebrated with surrogate families of all shapes and colours. People are opening the paint jars of "traditional relationships" and freeing themselves to mix a whole new palette.
Its exciting! Despite some moments of frustration, eg the recent reversal of californian marriage laws, I do think that our social rules are evolving. I think of my dear friends... one who is in love with a partner in another country...and ok with that...one who happily celebrated her second anniversary of non-cohabiting domestic bliss... and I rejoice in the throwing out of the old rule books. I think people have historically made their own paths quietly and flown under the radar...but what was once radical eventually becomes mainstream. Recently a friend told me she was getting married...and my honest response (after congratulations of course) was "why?" She wasn't really sure... but it seemed like a nice thing to do... traditional rules are now choices.
I am so happy to think that people will become happier and more accepting of themselves and others as they loosen up to the idea of creativity in making love work for them in their own way. I am so happy to think that I too might find my own way of loving and being a part of a family that works, without having to question whether it is "proper" or "the way things should be done".
So on I stride on my path...

Fragments of thoughts on love...

So I was going through some old email drafts today... clearing out my boxes....and I found one that I had written late at night to a past love. And this paragraph seemed too good to waste.... It stands true today as I consider my path ahead. I know what I am looking for.



"I know exactly what I want. I want to feel loved, unconditionally, unequivocally, from the tip of my nose to the tip of my toes... to the moon and back. And I want to love someone with all my heart, for all of their strengths and their vulnerabilities, without doubt, without fear, without complication and "what ifs" and "maybe". And I would compromise pretty much anything else to feel that and to have that in my life. So if you can love me - wholly and completely, irrationally, forsaking all else for love, for all my imperfections that make me perfect, with all that you have in your heart.... If you can find it in you to be that person who just loves me... well, then I will love you madly and totally, loyally and deeply, joyfully standing by your side in life despite all and through all.
At the end of the day its really quite simple actually."

Today my dear friend posted a blog about being goal driven and thriving on the competition of life... seeking to get the most out of life rather than "slowing down to enjoy the moment..."
And I responded... and it made me think...
Here is my response...

In my humble view... in seeking balance one does not need to slow down and do less, one needs to make careful choices about which goals take priority at which points in time. (I'm sure you agree...) Balance and well-being are, I think, NOT about doing LESS to make space to enjoy the moment (doing less does not necessarily lead to enjoyment, rather boredom and laziness)... but it is, I think, about being consciously aware of the choices one makes in each moment, being mentally fully present, and checking that they are the choices that are most likely to bring long term happiness...rather than simply being busy being busy.... if that makes sense... Being driven is fabulous if you are deeply sure that you know and like where you are going...and I think it is this that leads some people astray... Not you of course :-)...

And a few thoughts came to mind...
One is that so many of our successes in life are measured by external achievements... Where as I think that my own goals in life are much more internal than some others. My most important goals include such things as :
- "overcoming the impulse to react in anger when people do things I don't agree with...."
- "being able to be fully conscious of owning my own contribution to relationships and communication so that I am more in control of how I affect other people"....
- "being able to take a position of kindness as a default, rather than reacting with small mindedness and self concern..."
- "being able to consistently put myself in other people's shoes and understand their perspectives..."
and many more... (including saving the world of course)
However one of my goals clashes slightly...
- I strive to be worthy of respect from others....
and this is very important to me. It saddens me therefore that broader society conditions people so strongly to value goals and success by external, visible, measures. Yesterday I read a column in the paper by a woman bemoaning the reality that, despite feeling wonderfully successful in her professional and personal life, the one thing she received constant accolades for, from everyone she knew, was the enzyme disorder produced loss of 10kg. Everywhere she went people clapped her on the back and praised her richly for becoming a size 8. Its a sad state of affairs.... And I reflect back on the resentment that simmered quietly inside during the years that I dated a body builder. Everywhere we went her muscles and competition performances were the toast of the party... yet the ground breaking program I wrote for recovering addicts - yes, it barely raised a social eyebrow... My simple goals of being a good person, helping the vulnerable in society... they take just as much commitment, hours of hard work, diligence and determination, self sacrifice etc etc...yet they are relatively inconsequential on the social success scales. If I chose to instead put my energy instead into making money and having a socially desireable body... why, the admiration would flow! I would represent that most respected of people, the thin and rich.
So it seems to me that I could be the next Mother Theresa - but if I am overweight and poor... who's gonna admire me? A few "bleeding hearts".... those that took the time to notice...in between the long hours of working on their own unrecognised, unapplauded goals...
Ah its a tough world to save...
I guess I just need to be very selective about who's opinions and respect I take notice of....