dancing baby...

Ok so the pictures are not so impressive... but today's scan was thrilling! Not only did I hear the boom boom boom of the babies heart out loud... Not only could we see fingers and feet and arms and the head and even a knee... But wee bubba danced for me! After I had looked at the first images the doc suddenly turned the screen towards me and said "look!"... and there the wee groover was, turned to face me... heart patta-pattering in the middle of its chest... arms going up and down and legs following along... how amayzing... 2.88 cms long and already with a funky sense of rythym! Thats my olive! :-)

Skineart

So today I discovered skine art - artists who love moleskine books to draw in... check out this one...
People who share on the internet are so generous! Talent no longer confined to galleries...
Its wonderful.




Skineart is now up there with Flikr in my favourites list...

Rowling on Failure...

Brousing the bounty of the internet (procrastinating of course...) I came upon this excerpt from J.K. Rowling, author of the well loved Harry Potter book series. She was delivering a Commencement Address, “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination,” at the Annual Meeting of the Harvard Alumni Association.

I found it inspiring... I reflect on my previous entry about seeking a greater sense of meaning in life...one I have always looked for and not yet found... and I think about people I am close to who seem to have a sense of drive and passion in their lives, and these are, I notice, people who have faced adversity and had to come through it with only their own resources to rely on. My parents, wonderful wonderful people that they are, have always been there for me. I have the luxury of knowing that no matter what - they are there to back me up, support me, bail me out and dust me off if things go pear shaped. I appreciate this deeply and have done my best to never take it for granted... but I also realise that I this has given me a sense of immunity to failure in some ways. I have the blessing of a confidence that no matter what happens, somehow I will be ok. I am also blessed with a lack of attachment to having particular things, or to things being a particular way - I have travelled a lot in developing countries, have lived simple or lived in luxurious resorts, and I know I am pretty happy generally where ever I am, with little or with more. So... In a sense, perhaps this sense of immunity to failure is a partial contribution to my sense that I am missing a passionate drive for anything much.

My mum always taught me "lower your expectations and you will be happy more of the time" So... generally I am happy.... but I also miss the passionate drive for high expectations...the pushing of oneself to the utmost of ones ability, the striving for the almost unachievable.... perhaps it is the fear of failure that is one of the essential ingredients in this magical potion...

But back to Ms Rowling's eloqence...

" The fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure....

I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality. So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had already been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ,...Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way....Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more to me than any qualification I ever earned...."

Courtesy of scootergrrl

och life - whats it all about anyway...

So I cruise along... my days pass in a blur of work and friends and partner and child and "whats for dinner?" and "what can I get done while I don't feel nauseous?"... and mostly I stop and smile in random moments and realise I am pretty happy over all...and I think - wow - how did I get here? Is this my life?
Is this life? I'm not saving the world... but I guess I am living a life... I guess that this is what life is, huh?... do a job, preferably one that has some meaning in it somewhere... get a family and raise them to be as balanced as possible, and spend a significant proportion of time thinking about what is for dinner, cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner, and writing a shopping list for the next dinner...
Then there is planning what clothes to wear to work, buying bigger waisted clothes to wear to work, remembering to do a load of washing, doing some ironing in the ads of some TV show, or perhaps slumping on the couch watching something stupid on TV because I am too tired to get up and go to bed ...too tired from all the nothingness I busied myself with today.
and then I try to think of something interesting to blog about... the excitement in my week this week is planning to see a movie, nothing life changing, just a movie that will be vaguely more entertaining than slumping in front of the TV.
On some level I know that something profound is happening inside me... I am growing a person...And I feel overwhelmed with the enormity of it often... bloody miracle that it is... but my days are wrapped in such normality... domesticity...
I contemplate months and years spent washing a child's clothes, preparing a child's food, cleaning a child's room, working to pay for a child.... and if I am lucky perhaps doing all the same things for a partner. I realise that this is how many many people pass their lives. And happily... just hoping that nothing will go wrong to change it...
And I know that somehow, someway, somewhere.... I need to find something more... Is this the existential angst of the privileged? Of course it is... millions of people would kill, literally, for this life I have so easily fallen into.... and yet I, from my lofty perch of prosperity... I wonder... is this really all there is? I have just been interviewing women from hideous war torn countries about their intensely awful experiences, and their profound learnings, in escaping from violence and persecution... and I feel strongly that I am betraying these women by not appreciating what I have... and yet somehow... I feel the emptiness anyway....
What could I do? My art used to fulfil me - but now I wonder what on earth is the point of investing hours and days creating a picture to hang on a wall... Meditation - well, that takes more discipline than I can muster at the moment, though of course it would be good for me. Health and Fitness - not really vain enough to care overly as long as my body works ok... not enough to fulfill me on any deeper level... Music - mere entertainment, usually used to stop me from thinking too much... Work - so far I have found that the chances to do something that really makes a difference are few and far between - and they tend to require large sacrifices in other areas of life...its either go to some backwood village in the middle of nowhere and do something that really changes the lives of a handful of people... or its take your place in the machine where even when working for a large humanitarian agency it feels like a weeny teeny fraction of what I do in my day actually makes any difference to anyone's life.
On one level I am happy - I have nothing really to complain about - life is giving me such an abundance of granted wishes....
On another level I am bored stiff.
Wadda ya do.... Wish for a crisis just to stay entertained? Wish things were not so easy and normal so that I could be fighting for something? Wish that I was in some backwoods village staring suffering in the eyes?
I just don't know...
Och life... whats it all about anyway...

waddling blah

So I am starting to feel sick now...
Nauseous, bloated, exhausted... I guess that makes it real.
Yay.
I know its psychological - but I also feel like I am waddling...
Tomorrow is 9 weeks - time is flying!

Its bloody wierd

I have to say that I am finding the whole "growing a person" thing a wee bit weird today... I've been looking ahead at photos of the baby growing... and honestly... Is the whole concept not a wee bit bonkers?? A person... all curled up inside my belly... and then it comes out and become a whole separate person, with a personality and all that stuff - out of my belly! Its the stuff of some weird science fiction thing and today I am finding myself somewhat flabbergasted by the whole idea. And then some kid is going to suck milk out of my boob! Gees.... What kind of an alien thing is going on here!? I tell myself its all going to feel wonderfully natural, I am sure it will, but sheesh... today it sure feels odd!

No more tail!

So my embryonic olive is now called a "fetus"... which means "little one." Aw....
He/she is now all of 1.6 cms. Our wee embryonic tail is gone, and all organs, muscles, and nerves are beginning to function. How terribly cool is that!
The hands now bend at the wrist, and the feet are beginning to lose their webbed appearance, and the legs are getting longer...phew!
Eyelids are beginning to cover wee olive's baby-blue's.

and Sheesh - its lookin' like a boy... according to ye old wives tales...
- little or no morning sickness
- my hair looks great! (people keep commenting and asking if I have dyed it...)
- I'm not moody - feeling terribly sane actually...
- I'm craving salty foods rather than sweet...
all signs of a boy...
Mmmhmmm
Ah well....

is this a baby or a fabulous lunch?

So I giggle as I follow the theme... baby growth literature abounds with it... wee growing bubba's likened to a tasty treat :-)
First it was an apple pip...

then a lentil....






Then we reached the grape phase...
And now a dear olive :-)

Where are we this week...

In theory my olive is still an embryo because it has the remains of a small tail, which will disappear in the next few weeks. But that's the only thing that's getting smaller. The heart and brain are becoming more complicated, the eyelid folds are forming, the tip of the nose is present, and the arms now bend at the elbows and curve slightly over the heart.
Olive has distinct, slightly webbed fingers and toes (AW!). It's a jumping bean, moving in fits and starts (so thats what the odd crampy feelings are...) Apparently its liver is churning out large amounts of red blood cells until the bone marrow forms and takes over this role. Right now, the teeth and palate are forming, while the ears continue to develop. Olive's skin is paper thin, and veins are clearly visible.
Wow...

Life themes....

So today I am struck by the way that people theme their lives...
I have just been watching a presentation by the creator of Postsecrets (http://postsecret.blogspot.com/). I love postsecrets - every sunday they upload a new selection of people' s secrets sent in on a handmade postcard... little windows into people's lives...
But to return to the point... (I blame the progesterone...) Frank finished his presentation by saying "free your secrets... and become who you are" and I was struck by the audience's elated response, which made me wonder about how many people theme their lives around a secret that they hold locked inside... and it shapes their lives and the way they view themselves in their world. And then I kept thinking about life themes... different life themes, not just secrets. For myself I have two themes that I am consciously aware of. 1. I must make the world a better place and 2. I must have a child (maybe I can do 1 by doing 2?)... and I think about some of my friends and their themes... "I must work hard to get the best security I can for myself and my family because there is no-one else I can rely on"...."I must understand myself at all costs and continue to learn as much as I can about myself".... "I must love and be loved"....
And just as we cannot know if two of us see "red" in the same way... people understand the world according to their themes, seeing things differently, screening the bits that don't fit, absorbing and chewing on the bits that do...
Its not new, its not profound, its just a thought of the moment....
What's your theme?

The first photo!

So here it is! My baby.... the first scan... the first photo... Today twinkle eyes and I gazed in awe at a tiny little heart beat... boom boom boom... And he/she is perfect... my doctor measured her and tapped into the computer, which calculated that she should be 7 weeks and one day old... which is exactly what he is! So it looks a bit like a pitted olive... and is perfect size, perfectly placed... and perfectly healthy :-) My doc says that from her looks he would be very surprised if anything went wrong from here... he reckons a 98% chance of an "uneventful pregnancy"... Yay! What a relief! Not only are we perfect... but we are only 1! No multiples for me...
So I went straight home and slept for the rest of the day in celebration... Gees, its a good thing he is perfect, she sure is taking it out of me!
Oh and the rest of life is just lovely too :-)
This weekend was fathers day and my little family and I had a gorgeous day munching and strolling in the botantical gardens before discovering the BEST gelati I have ever eaten! Wow... I resisted the tamarillo...but had the most wonderful real pear gelati on top of genuine natural no artificial flavour strawberry gelati... Later I had to go back for the fresh mint... oh and a bit of belgian chocolate for twinkle blue...
Awesome!
And the day before was a wonderful tea party with the girls.... yummy cupcakes and gorgeous company... how very delightful!
:-)
Ah, and work...well is pretty uninspiring to be honest.... but at least its not too stressful :-)
And my lovely twinkle eyed girls are just great :-)...
See... I do have lots more in my life than just this baby... I don't think about it ALL the time... just, well, most of the time :-)
Its pretty cool!
:-)
:-)

twinkle eyes

So I share a moment of joy... perhaps its the hormones...perhaps its the season...perhaps its a simple moment of realising how lucky I am...
Our path together has been such an adventure... and today it is bursting with spring flowers, bright, colourful, joyous and full of the future...

Friendship

So my dear friend Linda has been staying with me. Linda and I have been friends for many years now... I call her the older, wiser and infinitely more organised version of me. And its been so lovely... We have chatted, hugged, walked by the sea, shared our troubles and our happiness, slumped on the couch critiquing this season's "Idol", cooked and eaten yummy food, walked the dog and generally been so relaxed and happy just to hang out together. And it gives me cause to take a moment to appreciate the wonderful friendships in my life, and the value of friendship itself.
At the same time another of my friends is mourning the death of her friend. And again it gives me cause to appreciate how much I love the people who I call my friends... and how colourless my life would be without them.
I think to some people friendships are the topping in life... they are the added pleasures in a day... a treat at the end of a long week. For me they are indeed this - but they are also more than this. To me my friends are the constellations I steer my life by. I know that some people are more internally oriented in their mapping of life, but for me it is through the people I love that I find my paths and directions in life. My friends are the mirrors in which I see myself... and the works of art that make my world worth living in. In my relationship with my friends I open the doors of my heart and mind and in sharing myself, I learn about myself. And too my friends show me windows into their lives and experiences...teaching me about feelings, thoughts, ideas, and the world. I learn more from my friends than I could ever learn in a book or on the internet. I grow more in my friendships than I ever would following solitary self development plans.
So I give thanks.... to my old friends who I have known and loved, and who have known and loved me, for many years.... through changes in city, changes in country, changes in life...you are the solidity under my feet as I plod forward on this new adventure. Maybe you didn't vote me in as the most "fun" person...but you have convinced me time and again that I am worth loving, that I have something of value to offer the world, and that - with your support - I can do anything. I hope so much that I have shared a little of this kind of thing with you... and have let you know how much you are appreciated in my life! Thinking through your faces and the memories they bring fair warms the cockles of my heart!
And to my new friends... my girls! You rock!.... diverse and wonderful, you make me feel like I have found yet another new family, colourful, full of laughter, able to cry together and hold each other's hands on tough days... I am awe-inspired by my luck in finding you in this city I now call home.

my pip is a lentil!

Soooo
It seems my wee apple pip is this week the size of a lentil :P
I have been fascinated reading about the development of my wee bubba ... Its utterly astonishing to think that already, at half a centimeter long, it has an appendix!
So, last week pip grew a basic heart, this week it is beating at roughly 150 beats per minute (phew, no wonder I am tired!)... go pip!
Aaaand... so far we have a kidney, liver, and a neural tube... we have grown intestines, are growing the pituitary gland as I type, and the gall bladder now is in place (well, thank heavens, that's a relief!)
Wee pip has a huge head, apparently... and dark patches are forming that will be the nose and eyes :-) (winks to you baby!)

How ridiculously cool is this???

zzzz

Well... I guess it is starting to feel a little more real...
I am swelling like a prune in juice...
I am either STARVING hungry, feeling STUFFED full, or nauseous... Its certainly a glowing experience so far! Oh and did I mention my breasts are now eligible for their own postcode...each....
I feel enormous already and I can't blame my wee apple pip!
But on the upside I don't notice it most of the time - since I am asleep much of the day!