"yawn"

Yep, still pregnant!
And no sickness yet! I guess my "throw up everything I eat" weight loss plan is not really on track... so far I am HUNGRY...a lot... so the books all tell me to eat up...but how one little apple pip can weigh a whole extra kilo this week I don't know... heavy little pip!
And TIRED.... today I lasted until 3pm before hitting the wall with a resounding thump... promptly followed by hitting the bed with a satisfying thud...

still pregnant!!

So despite that fact that I am still vaguely waiting for someone to come and take it all away from me somehow... it seems that I am indeed, still pregnant!...

And all is going really well so far...

No nausea to speak of yet, a couple of seconds here and there but really nothing to mention...

My shirts no longer button up and are unlikely to for a very long time it seems, and the ever expanding bumps under them are somewhat tender (bit of an understatement) but I can live with that!

Odd sensations in my body...but then... it is doing something utterly novel in there!

So all in all.... I find myself, today, quietly very happy...

I sit in the beautiful rolling hills above Byron Bay... floor to ceiling glass windows beckon the eye towards the iridescent vivid blue of the distant ocean... rainbow birds gather in the flowering bushes... all is totally peaceful. At sunrise this morning I gazed over the hills and felt deeply connected with a sense of nature. For one of the first times in my life I felt like a part of the world and its processes, rather than an observer. My little apple pip and I are now a part of the timeless cycles of it all.... (trying to avoid hackneyed cliches but finding it impossible!)

Of course... I have not been so calm inside everyday... I have moments of utter joy, moments of utter disbelief, times of a gentle sort of confusion that this is really happening, and times of complete terror at what lies ahead....I have been reading a book called "MotherLove - Stories about Births, Babies and Beyond" that some kind person has left in the bookshelf in this lovely house... And have scared myself into some semblance of a wee bit of understanding of the reality of the enormous, gut wrenchingly painful, messy, gooey, life shattering reality of this thing that I have blithely entered into.... I find my mind settling for a few seconds on a minimal sense of the real truth of being pregnant, giving birth, and being at the beck and call of a screaming shitting creature ...and then woosh...off it slides into vagueness again. I think it must be a very wise biological impulse that refuses to let us really understand the ickyness of it all... I mean really... who would choose to do it if we could really wrap our heads around ALL THAT PAIN not to mention the blood and shit and vomit and blah blah blah....

Women truly are incredible!

Which brings me to a point of acknowledging the wonder of my twinkle eyes.... she has been through it all with the wee twinkle blue babe...and is just now emerging, blinking, into the real world again. And yet somehow she has found it in her heart to decide that the pleasure of holding my hand is worth re-entering that cave... both a blessing and a burden, the only certainty is that it won't all be easy... but together we embark on a joyful, sticky, messy, laughter-filled, tear-filled adventure... and I am happy. :-)

yay!

So I think I have calmed down enough to string a sentence together now... :-)
So... I'm pregnant it seems :-)
I don't feel any different...except that I have a sore throat and a constant pounding headache and can't take cold and flu tablets any more. Oh and apparently I also can't suck strepsils... gees. And today was my first day without a cup of my super-strong vietnamese coffee to kick start the day... bah.
Not that I am complaining! It doesn't feel real yet. I keep going on with life as normal and then I remember... WOW!
I was so sure that the test was going to be negative... I woke on Saturday morning grumpy about having to wait 2 months for another try... I stumbled off towards the kitchen to get some neurophen for my thumping headache... but decided to detour to the loo first. Oh and while I was there I figured I would do the sodding test - people were waiting for the results after all.... better make it official. SO ... I stuck the strip in and yep, up came that familiar old control line... I forgot to notice the time and wasn't wearing a watch so I thought I would just glare balefully at it for a while, bemoaning the lack of that second blue line.
AND THEN...
Faintly it appeared.... I blinked, rubbed my eyes... No... I must be mistaken....
Stronger it appeared.... Was I still asleep? Was I tricking myself? I had imagined this moment so often that when it happened it seemed like I was still in a lingering remembered day-dream....
I walked out of the bathroom and came back....
IT WAS STILL THERE... stronger than before!
I walked out to the kitchen where my housemate was making tea... "Um" I said.... "I think I have a line...." She looked at me as if I was mad, of course....
I paced back to the bathroom and out again.... "I definitely have a line"... HOLY CRAP!!!!!
Stunned...
Incredulous...
Shocked...
I was so sure it would be negative....
And so the texting began....
And the dash to the clinic for the blood test to confirm it was really really true...
I burst into tears when I got the call back from the clinic an hour later (the heavens bless them for being so fast!)
And then... well... calls, emails... predictably I couldn't possibly keep it to myself! (Communicate at all costs is the aquarian motto!)
And I smile and gush... but the reality is only skin deep at the moment. Its gonna take some time to wrap my head around the enormous life changing earth shaking reality of the realisation of the thing I have been dreaming, scheming, wanting, hoping, planning for over the last 20 years of my life.
Life will never be the same again....And I am thrilled!!!
BUT - of course.... HUGE fingers crossed for the next 3 months of this awesome journey... and in the mean time - I will be laying on the couch, not lifting anything heavier than a caffeine free-tea cup, rubbing essential oils, supping on organic fruits only, and maintaining inner calm at all times. Yeah....right :-)
Something like that....
Thank you so much to all my wonderful wonderful friends who have showered me with your excited messages and calls. Its so incredible to feel surrounded by your well-wishes...
Stay tuned for the next step in this awesome ride!
x x

OMG!!!!

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no number 5??

So regular blog readers will know that all the way through my process of trying to get pregnant I have had it in my mind, thanks to twinkle eyes, that try 5 will be the successful one. Its gotten me through the disappointments, impatience and frustration....
So now I find out that my dear donor has to be away for work next month.... Arg! NO 5! So if I am not pregnant now - and I will do a test tomorrow... then I have to wait another 2 months for another try.
I am trying not to get too peeved...
Humph.
I don't feel pregnant... not feeling hopeful for tomorrow.... humph.

Grief

So my parents have just come back from visiting old family friends... (not surprisingly in mullumbimby...ah I love my hippy parents...) people whose children were babies when I was a baby... full of stories of their lives and their children's lives... and once again the reality is brought home to me. Pretty much all of my parents friends are grandparents. They tell me stories of the children I grew up with, and their delightful children. Usually I feign interest..."how lovely!". Tonight I lapsed into uncharacteristic sarcasm. Yes, they all have children, grandchildren... lucky them... "Oh" says my dear Dad...attempting to comfort me... "we don't think about that, we don't know what it feels like..." Somehow this was not comforting.
Tonight I read my dear friend's new blog. She writes very movingly about grief - the situational grief we all experience at different times, but also the more pervasive grief attached to being gay. Its a grief that settles over the skin like a well-worn thermal. Its the subtle sense of loss that is triggered by a thousand daily almost unnoticeable losses. Its the loss of your parents dreams for you. Its the loss of childhood princess dreams. Its the loss of social rituals - a white wedding, an engagement party, answering the "what does your husband do?" questions at your child's school P&C and a thousand others. Its the loss of having to always anticipate who will not accept you. Its the loss of friends who opt for others they have more in common with. Its the loss of being able to stroll hand-in-hand in the park. Its the loss of knowing that you too can have a "family" in the socially acceptable sense of the word.
Sure we make do. Sure we are often happy. Sure we make our lives the best they can be. Sure things are changing and improving with every passing year.
Sure we still grieve daily...


Not that I am sad.... life is pretty good really.... just one of those moments.

waiting waiting...

So here I sit... 7 days down, another 7 to go before I do a test....
Will it won't it will it won't it will it won't it ...be THIS time....

Hmmm
I had an email from a friend. We haven't met but a mutual friend put us in contact because she too is in the process of trying to get pregnant. She's in NSW and has been on the waiting list for a sperm donor for a long time... waiting for her 3 allowed chances under NSW guidelines.... And finally recently she reached the top of the list... very exciting! I was excited for her, although also concerned about how long she had already waited and now how long it might take to actually get pregnant. At our ages getting it all connected in the first 3 tries is beating the odds significantly.
So yesterday I had an email from her... she is pregnant on her first try.
Such mixed emotions in my reaction... happy for her of course... but unable to resist a little selfish sadness for me... I wish her all the good vibes in the world for a healthy happy pregnancy... I just wish it was me too.

I wish I had a sense of my own embryonic destiny... I wish I had a sense of what is going on inside me right now. I wish I could see into the future and know it would all be ok. I wish I could plan, organise, control this damnably unpredictable predicament. I wish I had some crystal ball I could trust. Of course I only want to see good news in it!

But no... wait I must. "When its my time it will happen" says twinkle eyes. So I try to stay sane in the meantime. And I enjoy the little family that I have now.... vomit and all.

Little twinkle blue turned 3 this week... complete with Nemo cake... very exciting! :-)

"you wanted to be a mother"...

So am enjoying further exploration of the joys of family life...
So I am on the phone to a supplier for work... I am delirious with fatigue after a hellish night holding a child's head over a bowl as she continuously vomits hideously in her sleep...Simultaneously I am trying to clean the latest vomit off the floor with a wet cloth under one foot... trying to convince a 3 year old to put on clean clothes, trying to get out of my vomit splattered t-shirt, and trying to bundle us in the car for a doctors appointment in 10 minutes.... I apologise to the man on the phone, explaining that I am home with a sick 3 year old... "well" he says "you wanted to be a mother!"...
Can't do anything but laugh really :-)

I must say the laughter was wearing thin by the wee hours of the next sleepless night as I was getting up for the 17th time to assist my lovely twinkle eyes as she had her turn to explore the virally induced joys of physical cleansing....
And I was decidedly uncheerful by the time I was hugging the toilet bowl the next night... Thankfully my iron will and robust constitution helped me refuse to give in to it... Perhaps it was all those bouts of dysentery as a child of wanderlusting parents... or perhaps I was just too tired to manage another sleepless night. Not for any bloody virus was I staying awake again!

Ah family life.... not a highlight week...and call me "mad"... but somehow I would still rather be here doing this than anywhere else.
Yep...mad... but strangely happy.

seeking answers finding unknowing...

So its in the nature of this pregnancy process that I am largely out of control of it all - once the actual physical deed is done. I can't tell what is going on inside me... I don't feel like I can control it... I can't know what will be... I can only wait.
And so it is understandable that my mind latches onto any opportunity to try and increase a sense of "knowingness" in all of the unknown...
I have resisted tarot cards, not trusting or wanting to trust...
But around me people offer their "visions", their "instincts".... their thoughts...and the temptation to listen and hold onto these is strong in a time when I do not trust my own instincts - clouded as they are by hopes and fears and self protectiveness...
The friend who was previously so clear ... "Its the number 5"... is now unclear.... withdrawing her prediction... mentioning being prepared for a long wait...
But another friend feels that THIS one is THE ONE... that I am pregnant now...
My mum thought I was on a previous attempt...
I thought I was the first time....
Who to believe? Well no-one until I get that little blue line... but I must admit its tempting to focus on my "THIS TIME" friend this time :-)
Ah waiting...

wandering on... unfolding and turning stories...

So she stood still...this girl with the sad heart... and she felt her sadness and was gentle with it...And like the warmth of a sunrise just peeping through the branches...she felt it start to lighted, to lift, to brighten. Warmth crept in.
She stood still and she looked around. And as the sunlight started to trickle through the branches the shadows were less dark and damp, and more purple and alive...She sensed colour living still in the depths of the forest.
Still she stood, at the fork in the pathways...and she held the hands of her dear friends and pondered her journey forward. Eventually she stretched, she pointed her toes and wiggled them... she put a foot forward and tested the ground... could her soles take it? And she found that they could. She took another step, tentatively... looking down a pathway that seemed familiar, one she had known a while ago but had not thought she would be taking. The pathway of walking on alone... she took another step and she stopped. For now she knew she could go that way, but she wasn't sure she wanted to.
Still she stood for another moment...
And as she stood she heard a sound... faintly at first... a tinkle...a tickle in her ears... and she listened... and there they were, her twinkle blue eyed friends... slowly, not sure of their way... back they came to her pathway..."hello" they called... "where were you? we were worried we had lost you!"
And the girl smiled a soft happy smile... and in that moment the sun rose high in the sky and she realised her eyes had been tricked by the shadows... there was no fork in the pathways... just a parting to flow around a very large rock on the way... and the two pathways met again...
And in that moment...her heart smiled.

surreal

So its moments like these that make me feel like I am outside myself looking down....watching some kind of very alternative short film... only somehow I am the lead actor and this is actually my life.
Picture this...
My mum and dad, my donor, my partner and my partner's child, and a bunch of my friends spend a day out together.... My parents, donor and I then make our way home...my parents go out to get groceries for dinner... I give my donor his little yellow lidded jar to do his very important job... then I quickly gather my tubes and syringes and do my bit just before my parents come back with risotto ingredients. My partner and child then arrive...and they all hang out in the lounge together while I lay on my bed with my legs up on the wall... soaking in sperm and emailing on my laptop. Once my eggs seem basted enough...I join the party and cook dinner :-)
Is it just me ? or is this surreal ?
But Try 4 is now complete... and I re-enter the holding pattern to wait and see if this is "the one"... ask me in 2 weeks....

Try Four!

So I got the call... and my eggs are popping tomorrow night... its seems that my Lutinising Hormone levels went from 7 to 47 in a day and half.... those babies are keen this time! So my wonderful wonderful wonderful (did I mention wonderful?) donor is on the train as I type... rushing to my side... oh he is a wonderful man! :-)
Attempt one will be tonight... (insert sound effect of bad french "haw haw haw" in an effort to be tackily sleezy)...
Then I am off for accupuncture in the morning... then a quick play at the African festival tomorrow.... some more harvesting and sewing... and another opportunity is set to ripen :-)

an ocean

So today I feel that...
Love is an like an ocean... it tosses, pushes, tickles, tumbles... pulls powerfully with its hidden undertow... underneath it is not always as it seems on the surface... it sparkles with unsurpassed beauty in the sunshine, and terrifies with dark dangerous depths in the shadow hours... on the right day it refreshes and invigorates... at the wrong time it drowns and freezes the unwary, the unprepared. It is bigger than us, foreign to us, yet necessary for our survival. Its storms cannot be controlled, only ridden out...

I could go on... its cliched I know... but its a feeling.