Tick Tock Tick Tock

So the anxiety is building...
The BIG day fast approaches and I am noticing that I have a constant background white noise anxiety.... sort of excitement, nervousness, emotional volatility, nausea, numbness... and all that sort of fabulous fun stuff!
This week the idea is set to become real... the life long dream becomes tangible.... the biggest life changing thing I could possibly do - well - becomes something I am actually doing!

On Sunday I meet with my donor to review and sign the contracts.... and present him with the nobel prize for service to woman kind - well, this kind woman anyway...

On Monday I go and get my fallopian tubes flushed with dye to make sure they are clear... I have visions of blue liquid dripping onto pristine white nappies or panty liners... for once the advertising might align with reality...

On Thursday my doctor gets to take some MORE blood... and some happy snaps of my ovaries and their wee follicles as my precious eggs slip slide and POP out into the perhaps still a wee bit blue freeway to happyland...

And if my engines are firing on track - well... Sunday could be FUNDAY....
I keep telling myself that it is unlikely to work the first time....
I keep telling myself that this is really just a practice run to get over the nerves....
I keep thinking "wait - I'm not ready!" ...I mean, I am supposed to have been doing yoga daily, pilates 3 times a week, seeing a naturopath and taking yucky herbs, seeing a nutritionist and following a strict fertility enhancing diet, taking folate and fertility boosting vitamins daily, maintaining a totally stress free lifestyle, feeling fit and toned, being acupunctured, massaged and breathing my way to inner harmony and peace.... in other words...creating such a wonderfully welcoming space inside me that I am hot real estate for new little people to come into...
Hmmm of course that requires somewhat of a personality make-over....
People keep telling me that it will happen when its the right time...
I guess I can only shut my eyes, click my heels... and chant 3 times... "there is no time like now...there is no place like here... and there is no mum like me...."
Fingers crossed!

Baby Blog Update!

SO....
Its official - I am infatuated with my doctor... he is so wonderful... like santa clause and a saviour saint rolled up in teddy bear warmth. I am basking in the pleasure of having endured massive unconscious and undefined nervousness in the lead up to my appointment this week... and then suddenly finding I could breath again and the world seemed bright and sparkly again after the appointment.
So two pieces of good news came out of the appointment... the first was that my wonderful doctor will be by my side through this process...under the label of "IVF preparation" he will chart my cycle for me with blood tests and ultrasounds of my ovaries so that together we can pretty accurately pin down my ellusive ovulation (my cycle has taken a beating with all the change and travel)...
And the second piece of good news was a more abstract longer term one... but it seems that if this home insemination process does not yeild a result in a reasonable time frame, and it looks like IVF is the next option... then I can ethically rest my mind as I can donate all and any embryos that are created from my eggs but not used by me. He says he has a huge waiting list of people who would keel over in happiness to receive my surplus embryos... so phew! Much as I want to avoid IVF if I can possibly make it happen "more naturally"... its a relief to know that there is another option available to me if I did get that far down the track of this journey....
So....
It seems we are warming up the rockets for blast off ! I can't quite get my head around the enormity of it all... but its best that way... when I start really thinking about it then I find it hard to focus on anything else... and the rest of life is brimming with absorbing challenging and interesting tasks competing for what is left of my mind... wait til the hormones hit my brain! Oh dear...
So I am off to get my tubes dyed next week... I'll keep you posted!

Gaping Chasms

So today I was chatting with a dear friend... and I was struck once again by the gaping chasm that so often exists between intellect and action...between intent and actuality... between what one knows one should do and what one actually does... its so easy to assume that people who do stuff they really probably shouldn't do are doing it because they don't know better...are too stupid, are ignorant etc but today I found myself emmersed in the sinking sense of familiarity that is attached to the sensation of KNOWING the best course of action... and yet - somehow.... finding oneself doing quite another...
I know there are some terribly annoying people who always do the sensible thing and follow their brains directions.... (Did I say annoying? Oh I meant "inspirational" of course...)
but WHERE do the rest of us learn to so habitually stick our little fingers in our ears and sing "la la la... la la la.... I can't possibly hear my brain through all this noise... la la la..."
A very minor example popped its annoying little head up in my morning... I knew I should concentrate on getting ready and being at my morning meeting at work on time.... and as I sat chatting with my housemate...I knew the sensible thing would be to get up and get moving... yet.... well.... I am sure you can guess what I actually did....
but thats not the end of the world really - just meant my morning was a little more flustered than it might have been...
but its a pattern that, when applied to matters of far greater significance - like matters of the H- E- A- R- T... well, then its just brimming with fuss and fluster and generally a great deal of icky -bluck when things we very well knew we should not be doing somehow manage to oh-so-shockingly go horribly wrong...
why oh why is it so easy to disregard our oh-so logical intelligent and sensible brains???
why oh why is the modern dilemma not so much access to wisdom but the guts to actually USE it... ??
we know we will all die if we don't start being sensible about the environment
we know that poverty is unnecessary and that we could all give a little more and indulge ourselves a little less
we know if we eat that crap and sit on our butts our bodies will become weak and flabby
and we sure as anything know that some "relationships" are just bad bad news....
but....
oi vey I say....

PS - just in case anyone wonders...this is very honestly not about me right now... am very happy in brain and heart with my twinkly blue eyed adventure... :-)

Getting Old...Being Old...

So when did it happen? In my sleep? while I was busy working? sometime when I didn't have time to notice?
Somewhere along the course of my life - I became old....
Last night twinkle eyes and I took her 13.5 year old niece to the Kelly Clarkson concert... and once again I realised....I am just not "cool"... I mean, who knew "Timberland" was not the same as "Justin Timberlake"??... Whats with that? And when a song like "You rock me all night long" comes on in the interval, well... one just has to sing along really.... (although perhaps letting my hair out and flipping it around wildly was a wee bit much...).
Actually, if I am really honest with you, my nearest and dearest ones... I was actually never cool ... never quite had my finger on the sub-cultural pulse even as a sprightly young thing (let the record show I stayed awake last night longer than said 13.5 year old!)
And actually... the over-riding sensation of realising that I am old and certainly "uncool" is that, rather than grieving for my lost youth...I feel a fabulously liberating sense of relief! No longer do I have to feel inadequate for my lack of funk quotent! No longer do I have to monitor my words and deeds and fashion sense and feel the constant sense of having failed to make the cut in some invisible indefinable way...
Yay! I have finally reached the age when I can revel in embarrassing the unfortunate youth of my acquaintance... those who cannot get away from my company must endure, with the flimsy weapons of eye rolling and pouting... my evil glee as I sing badly to songs they have never heard of.... wear clothes that cover that stubborn tummy fat roll.... stride happily in comfortable shoes... and not even try to care if Britney Spears's hair has grown back yet....
HA HA HA HA HA ... my time has come!!!
"YEAH YOU....ROCK ME ALL NIGHT LONG..... "

Home Again Home Again Jiggidy Jig ...

So I am home... back at work... back with twinkly blue eyes.... back with my lovely friends... back with my adorable puppy... in my comfortable home....
I'm so happy to be here, so happy with life.... still recovering from exhaustion and a cold...but I continue to filled with smiles and an almost overwhelming sense of surprise at the loveliness of life.
And I am about to start my long awaited new adventure. My donor is back from o/s in the middle of the month...and we are due to start the BIG THING in less than three weeks.... I am scared, excited, nervous, thrilled.... and the reality of having a child of my own seems a really long way away. I love spending time with mini-twinkle blue baby.... but anticipating the experience of being a mother myself feels like I am looking at a photograph of Mt Everest imaging what it will feel like to stand on the top of it.