Dreamer

So I am a dreamer.
I have thousands of dreams... I have uncountable moments in my day when I pause to imagine a life that could be.  I throw ideas out onto the universal winds...bubbles cast out into the day, each holding a world of possibility....I make impossible plans and I wonder what it would be like to live each of them...

I create lists in my head of all the things I could do in life... I dream up new options and opportunities every day.  The happier I am, the more I dream of what could be...

I want to make a difference in the world.  I want to live an interesting life.  I want to believe that my life will be different, will mean something different, will be a road less traveled.  I want to be courageous about dreaming of the endless possibilities that life offers, and I want to live amongst those dreams each day.

I want to do aid work in Africa and Guatemala.  I think I should go and work with orphans of Sudan.  I dream of living on a small tropical island for six months immersed in my art making and creating things of beauty.  I want to visit my friends in far-flung places.  I want to go to Japan, Lesbos, Flores, Turkey, Laos (again), Bhutan, Tibet, Cambodia, South and Central America, Cuba, Canada, New Zealand.... and everywhere else.  I want to see snow.  I want to go back and live and work in Kathmandu again.  I want to run successful aid agencies.  I want to write about the world and life.  I want to photograph each beautiful fleeting moment of this incredible life.  I want to spend time living in spiritual places, go to meditation classes, read inspiring books and improve my mind.  I have thousands of books and movies and places I want to experience.  I want to take my child to dharma club and dancing and gymnastics and art and acting and everything that will make her a well rounded confident little person in the world.   I want to develop a more useful career, do a PhD, become an expert at something.  I want to really know that I am helping people.  I want to write a children's book, have an exhibition, live in a gorgeously decorated house full of tasteful things I made myself, have a thriving veggie garden, bake bread and do volunteer work.  I want a successful career. I want a simple life.  I want to be an awesome parent and a fabulous friend.  I want to be a dedicated partner and have a rich family life.  I want to exercise regularly, live organically and budget my money well.  I have so many little things that I want to do in each day that I live surrounded by little voices calling me..."hey, what about this, this, that..."

My mind is like a bubble machine and my dreams erupt in rainbow bursts and float around me.  I know that I will never do them all.  I know that in reality a lot of my life is going to be spent cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, washing school uniforms, driving to swimming lessons, driving to gymnastics and play dates, having dinner parties sometimes and going out for Sunday breakfast.  I know that my life is most likely to continue to be fairly domestic, semi-interesting, not totally boring and just a little bit special.  I know that I am not going to be the one who makes a huge difference in the world.  I know that I am not going to be the head of the UN, I am not going to be Prime Minister, I am not going to be the one who runs Save the Children in Sudan, I am not going to be the one who frees Tibet.  Mostly I am ok with that.... Mostly.  Thats why I need my dreams.

When I dream up a plan...no matter how wild and crazy the idea is...for a moment while I am dreaming it I let myself feel it as a reality.  I open my mind to the option and I dive in, just for a moment, and feel that choice envelop me.  And in that one simple moment of dreaming, I get to live that life - that fabulous interesting courageous adventurous life.  I get to be the one who climbs a mountain, faces a fear, builds a snowman, saves the children, explores new horizons, makes a difference.  I get to feel what it is like to be that person.  I get to live it, in my mind, just for a moment.

I know that all of my dreams, in reality, come with massive consequences, hard choices, costs and sacrifices.  I know that it is physically impossible for me to do all that I dream.  I know that I probably would not really choose to do many of them, if the option became real.  But that doesn't matter.  When I dream I suspend reality, cast off the consequences, experience the dream cost-free. When I dream I don't have to face the realities of child care, money, disease, distance from loved ones, logistics. When I dream I get to be the person who does those things, because somewhere in the world someone is doing those things, and no - its not me.   In my dreams I get to borrow another life for a moment.  I get to be more than I am.

I get that sometimes this way of being is stressful for people around me, the people who care about me, the people who are potentially affected by my wild planning, the people who have learned to cringe slightly each time I say "Maybe I could...."  or "Lets....".  I get that it must be hard for the people who think, even for a moment, that I may either really do each of those things; or that I may suffer for not being able to do them.   I am sorry for this...but I need my dreams.  My dreams allow me to not have to live every option, take every step, really do everything I want to do.  My dreams let me live the moment and let it go, happily, peacefully.  My dreams are what allow me to be happy in the here and now.

My life is short, who knows how short...but certainly not long enough or wide enough for most of my dreams to become reality.  So I dream, I create a bubble and for a moment I live inside its rainbow sphere.  I float, in the dream, and experience it, taste it, feel it.  I add it to the bubble cloud, the memory bank of things that may or may not ever come true.  I record it for posterity, make it known that I was at least able to dream it.  I put it out there as an option, and then I can let it go, put on the kettle, do the dishes, put on a load of washing, go to bed.  And my dream floats in the cloud of bubbles that surround me as I move through daily life, dream bubbles that add colour and possibility to my days.

I need my dreams.  They let me be so much more than I ever will be.  They let me be happy with who I am.

we are ready!

So this week my baby girl had her first experience of "Big School"...
Wide eyed she approached the traditional old building, gazing up up up to the high bell tower standing proudly against the bright blue summer sky.   Barely able to contain her excitement as she peered in through the big oak doors she prompted many a smile from the nervously entering mums by crying out "Mummy mummy, is that Big School in there??"
She gripped my hand tightly as we found her new classroom, and then in the bumbling crowds of unfamiliar mums and shyly curious little ones, she slipped from my fingers and was gone...I looked, slightly anxiously, between the plaits and many eager eyes for that little slip of a piece of me that I know so well... and eventually I spotted her, doing the rounds, touching everything with keen fingers, locating and categorising the different tools of childhood, landing on the globe on the teachers desk with enthusiasm.
Around her bobbing head there were tearful eyes, sobbing little people gripping their mummies tightly...tight faced mothers edging backwards reluctantly... Not us though.  "Bye Mummy" she called, only turning back to benevolently give in to my pleading for a kiss goodbye.
I hovered, peeped, toured the school, met the P&C and shelled out wads of cash for terribly unattractive and over-sized school uniforms.
Meanwhile I caught glimpses of her jumping through rainbow hoops, assembling unfamiliar puzzles, weaving her way out of childhood and into Big Girl World.
At the end I opened my arms to my beaming angel and I stepped into the new role - that of the mother collecting her child from school, desperate to know all about their day, eager to share the wonder, to uncover the secrets of all that we miss out on in the mysterious land of the school room. And at the end there were the tears.  Not for us the reluctant holding onto Mummy and childhood...No.  My angel sat by the roadside on the way to the car and sobbed.  "But Mummy, I miss Big School!  I want to stay here NOW....Why can't I stay at big school??"
She is ready.  Now I just have to catch up.