Tuesday, October 30, 2012

angry

I feel like I spent my life in phases of anger versus numbness. I have stages when I don't think about the rampant inequity, the abuses, the torture, the greed, the stupidity, the damn injustice of the world.... in those stages I manage to stay pretty numb and just focus on my little piece of the world and making it a little happier...I only focus on my friends, the people I love, my garden, my home, fun outings and entertainment... and then I remember. And then I walk around with a pit of anger and frustration in my belly... I rage inside at the horror of the world and my own powerlessness to change it. I try to change my little piece of the world and make it a little fairer, but still I feel deeply angry and overwhelmed by the state of things... This is an angry stage.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

facing the impossible and staring the F*cker down...

Its crisis time in my world.  Its a turning point where everything we have worked for is set to crumble...
An AUSAID quirk threatens the existence of our whole organisation...
My heart is blue and heavy, my head is weary and worried, my back is tight and I am mentally rehearsing the speech I give when I tell all of my staff that we can no longer pay their wages...
And at the same time...I am coming out fighting.  In the next three weeks we need to achieve the impossible if we are to survive.... and damn it... my fighting spirit is coming out.  I will win this damn it.  Those suits are not going to unravel 18 years of blood sweat and tears with one ill conceived funding decision... I will work harder than ever, longer, better than ever...and we will win....

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #21

21.  Finish what I begin.
ARG!  I have never been good at finishing... I avoid endings.  Relationships, assignments, jobs, sentences...I don't like full stops.  I avoid going to bed at night, my fridge is full of jars with the last bit still in them, my shelves are full of half read books and my life is driven by the next new challenge rather than finishing the one I am living at the time... I am a huge fan, you may have noticed, of the "..."  I like to leave things open, open to the possibility of continuation...
I was planning on finishing my 21 posts on inner beauty with a retrospective of the other 20 posts, under the them "learn from the past"...but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I noticed I was avoiding it... And I realised - this typifies one of my great life challenges.  I love beginning, and avoid ending.
This has been a double edged sword.
In some situations it has brought me rewards - I have hung on, with patience and fortitude, and the rewards have been that things and people are still in my life that wouldn't have been otherwise...this blog is one example!
On the other side of the sword it has meant that I have left things unresolved, hung on too long, left doors open that should have been closed, been cowardly, and this has sometimes brought sadness and frustration to myself and other affected people.
And the big downside is the blow that it strikes to my sense of accomplishment in life.  I don't finish things - I get to the very last stage, and I lose momentum.  Diets, tasks, goals... so often just short of accomplished.  I am so often "going well" until I am not anymore.
I have spent many many hours, and a lot of therapy money, trying to work on this in myself.  What is my resistance to finishing?  Is it addiction to the joy of new beginnings, do I get bored, do I fear admitting that is "as good as it gets", do I feel inadequate and always hope for more time to meet expectations, was I never really committed to the outcome??...blah blah blah....I think its time to stop asking the question "why" and just start doing it.
So as I FINISH this challenge, I acknowledge that it was tempting to either never post the 21st post... or to keep going, to decide to go to 100..... but I wouldn't finish it and it would be another thing on my list of unfinished self challenges - so I won't.
I have enjoyed this, and I have learned from it, and now it is finished.  I do feel slightly more beautiful on the inside for undertaking this process... and I have reinvigorated my sense of commitment to self improvement.
My new self challenge... JFI.  "Just Finish It".

Saturday, October 6, 2012

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #20




20.  Take the first little step.
So I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that I am having to face in the next three weeks. And I have been avoiding it... I fill my time with the hundred little issues that come through in emails...and I avoid the big bastards.  And the anxiety is building...
Last night I took a small step towards achieving... and it felt good.  And now, I am going to take another small step... and soon - I know - I will feel less paralysed and more engaged... and then, I will be in the swing.  Taking one small step can make a big difference.
This goes for everything in life - growing as a person, relationships, health, parenting, life goals... its all about taking the first step... and moving forward... trusting that these little steps will, indeed, sometimes make a big difference.


Friday, October 5, 2012

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #19

19. Embracing age



I love this.  And I love being 40.  I am not so keen on life running out...but I love being older.  I love feeling like a grown up.  I love feeling worthy of respect and not fighting to overcome the stigma of youthful inexperience.  I love having a history.  I love looking back at all I have learned and how it has shaped who I have become.  I love not stressing about how I look any more, because I am more than that.
I am more than ok, for now, with ageing.
I am loving focussing on the inner beauty of who I am.

21 inner beauty inspirations #18

18.  Stay inspired.  Stay focused.   Look at the big picture.  

Thursday, October 4, 2012

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #17

17. On the importance of not being earnest.

So when I was a teenager I remember my mum turning to me in exasperation and saying "do you really need to be so honest?  Its ok not to be honest all the time!".
And I admit... its a bit of a theme for me.  I am compelled to speak the truth, and there have been many many times when I have regretted it.  Sometimes because people have been unnecessarily hurt, sometimes because you can't take it back once it is said, sometimes because the "truth" is a relative and unstable construct...and it changes... and again, you can't unsay it once it is said....
And yesterday I had another lesson in this.
Its pretty gross so if you are "delicate" then stop reading now...
So I was sitting on a stool (the chair type) in the toilet room while my daughter worked to deposit a stool (the non-chair type) in the said toilet.  We were having a chat, as we are wont to do to pass the time and keep things relaxed.  Its not been an easy journey to this point...but that would be digressing.
So we were talking about her pregnant teacher.  I have answered my angel's questions all about where she came from and how she was born...so she asked me "mummy, will the doctor cut open Teacher Lyn's tummy and take the baby out?"
And here is where I should have stopped myself and resorted to Santa Claus/Easter Bunny style babble.
Instead I said... "well maybe, but sometimes women don't have their tummies cut open, sometimes they push the baby out through their 'gina's, a bit like pushing out a really big poo...but its a baby that comes out, and its from your gina not your bottom."
And we moved on.
Later that night.... I was awakened by hysteria.  Nightmares.  Desperately trying to hold in her wee, shouting "no wee, don't come out!!" and refusing to go to the toilet, while wailing in misery.  Finally I, in total confusion, managed to persuade her to sit on the toilet...where-upon she started wailing again... and as she finally started to get the words together between the sobs...I heard "sob,noooooo waaa, baby... boooohooooooooo out...my gina! waaaaaaaaah"
And that is when I learned my lesson.
Think before you speak.  Honesty is not always wise, nor appropriate, nor kind.
And this is my inner beauty message for today.
Paradoxical - but true.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #16

16. Simplify and let go

So I openly admit it... I am a hoarder.  I over-consume, and I hate to get rid of things... I find it excruciating.  I live in fear of needing something that I don't have on hand.  If something has no conceivable usefulness then I can easily dump it, but if I can think of a way that it might be able to be used in the future its really hard to walk away.  I don't have one of things, I have three...just in case I lose or use one and break the other... or in case I meet someone who doesn't have one, and then I can help clutter their lives too.    I let things go off in the fridge, yummy expensive things, because I can't let myself eat them - because then I won't have them anymore and I may never be able to get more... so in fear I hoard the last one and hope it stays that forever....this tendency is exacerbated here in Fiji because its literally true that the shops get in a product once, and then never have it again...so I have to buy months worth, and then I can't let myself use them...
But I have to change this... I have to learn to not fear going without...I have to let go of the need to "have" and focus on the need to "be".
This is an example I want to set for my child, and the way that I know I will be happier...

Monday, October 1, 2012

21 Inner Beauty Inspirations #15

15. ...this is for me

For some people their inner beauty journey is about opening their minds to possible paths.  For me it is the opposite.  I have always been inundated with ideas, plans, hopes, choices... I see options and possibilities everywhere I look.  For me, my inner beauty will be about letting go of trying to do it all, and of suffering if I can't.  My inner beauty is about being calm, and accepting the limits of time and life.  I can always do more, certainly, but to be focussed and happy, to be centred and grounded, to have quality rather than quantity in myself - I will accept that my short life will not allow me to do everything, follow every possibility.  For me, I need to start to choose and let go.