tired

So its been a busy and really tiring week... Its saturday night now and my working week is a long way from over.  And the days are so full that sometimes it feels like being underwater, fighting to get to the surface for air and having to scrabble my way through layer after layer of seaweed.  I never make it to the top.
Today a friend came to visit and I started to describe my day yesterday, the issues I was dealing with, the reasons I am tired today... and her eyes got wider and wider - wow...she, interrupted, you are dealing with a lot... "and thats just the first two hours of the day" I said.

importance fatigue

So I do love a good challenge... and so let me preface this post by saying that behind any appearance of moaning I am actually still loving the momentous and life changing challenge that this job is delivering.  BUT... I have importance fatigue.  Everything is important... I get it... its all damn important...but sheesh - could it give a girl a break sometimes??  There is never a day when I don't have at least 5 urgent important things to attend do, and usually a lot more than 5.  And as well as all the things that I think are important, I try to be mindful of the fact that every email I get is important to the sender, all the little issues that people bug about they are important to them.  I might be tempted to ignore one, or more, because the issue is not on my importance radar - but having a positive, receptive, engaged and respectful organisational culture is...so I have to take it all as important.  Sigh.  I run, all day, trying to cover as much as I can, trying to work out which important thing is taking priority today, now, in the next hour....and  I am tired.  And I come home and my evenings and weekends are full of things that my little angel thinks are important - and so I have to be turned on her her too... and I am tired.  And I know its all important but sometimes I don't want to care so much.  And now I have a cold too...so tomorrow - I am calling in sick, I am going to stay in bed.  And I know it won't help because the important things pile will be twice as big the next day - but I am going to stay in bed all day and get better.  Because hey, thats important too.

the mirage of facebook

So I am feeling more and more disconnected from the people I have loved...from the friends I have left behind.  I was pondering why this is, why I feel like I have dropped out of my old life and the space I used to occupy has closed around me... and I realised that one of the reasons is facebook.  I am on facebook daily.  It gives me a sense of connectedness to people I know, of being in touch with what is going on in their lives and in the world around me.  But it is becoming clearer and clearer that it is an illusory intimacy...a fake closeness that leaves emptiness in its wake.  Its like eating junk food when you are hungry, it fills you in the moment but leaves you unsatisfied.  I realise I have 25 words or less snippets of people's lives, and I give them little fleeting snapshots of mine - but its not real closeness, its not actual communication.
So I am deciding to refocus on email and skype and texts - real person to person communication, real in the moment conversations.  While I know it is important for me to be in the moment where I am, I don't want to be too estranged from the people I care about in my life.  I miss my friends, I miss my people, I miss connectedness.
Friends - if you are reading this - I miss you... lets talk...

better than jelly

So there are times when she drives me a bit nuts, of course... and then there are times like these :

Me : You have eaten all your dinner, thats great!  Would you like a jelly or a snake for dessert?  (her two very favourite things)
Her : Nothing mummy, I just want you, because I love you so much....(and throws her arms around me)

Ah it doesn't get much better than that.

(I gave her a jelly anyway)
:-)

dinner tonight brought to you by....

my vegie patch... after weeks of daily watering I am harvesting... This time I actually coached new life out of tiny seeds instead of popping into the local nursery for seedlings.  Its pretty inspiring to be eating the products of this very primal process of producing food.  My daily watering, weeding, fertilising has been a grounding experience... and watching the little leaves grow a little more each day puts a touch of perspective into my morning.
I find my life somewhat bi-polar at the moment.  My work life is full to the brim, stressful, go go go and needing to be switched on, thinking fast, being strategic, prioritising time and keeping many balls in the air at the same time.  And then I come home at the end of the day and I have to switch.  I have to also be efficient, multitasking, on the go and focused - but on totally different things.  I have to watch where the sticky play dough ended up, be aware of the paint disaster about to happen, remember bin night, write a shopping list in my mind, remember to water the garden, feed the chicken, put the chicken to bed at night, put the child to bed at night, pack school lunches having remembered to buy food for school lunches....etc etc etc... sometimes I want to be lazy, take a break, just be irresponsible for a while... sometimes I do (and pay the price)... mostly I am just always tired and always compromising.  Life at the moment is a constant juggle of never quite enough... not quite a good enough mum, CEO, housekeeper, gardener, friend... I live with the "undone" list echoing in the back of my head at all times.  And I flip between personas and have to be the best I can be in every moment.  Its exhausting.
But tonight I ate vegies that I grew... so I must be doing something right.

a good old fashioned fun fair!

Just like peppa and mummy pig!  

inspiring women

So on Friday night I had my first dinner party in Fiji this time... impromptu, it was supposed to be a work meeting with a woman who is doing some consultancy work relevant to our work.  What it became was an awe-inspiring, challenging and exciting meal with three incredible women and a rich flow of conversation and inspiration.  My guests were three women who all work for different clusters within the UN... women who have worked all over the world on gender related projects - violence against women and children programs.  I served food and received a sense of perspective, a sense of where I might be heading.  I cannot imagine being someone who spends three years in Libya recording women's war abuse stories, but I can imagine being a consultant and working on bigger picture projects.  I want to stay connected to the real roots of the community and to what makes a real difference, but I want my career to move towards working on a national and international scale.  What I need to do is to focus on finding my niche area - my passion focus... I am thinking that perhaps my heart lies in child protection work and I am going to start making moves towards this.  I say "I think" because there are many other areas that move my passions as well, but I think that it is time that I chose one.  Child protection feels like something more tangible than "gender" and more achievable than "mental health reform".  Child safety is personal to me, and something I have had a lot of experience in.  It cuts across all sectors, and all sections of the welfare sector.
So this is exciting!  A sense of direction!
:-)
Rhianon